TANTRUMS OF AN ANGEL

One Last Cry...

2011-06-10T02:02:00.000+08:00

You say...

2011-06-05T04:02:00.002+08:00

by Elliott Yamin

Nothing...

2011-06-04T00:40:00.003+08:00

There is nothing left to say...I've said all I can...I'm tired of crying silently by myself...I don't know whether this heart can take anymore rejection...I don't know if this heart can endure anymore pain. Met up with her today, I didn't like the way she looked at me...no love in her eyes...only hatred only. It kills me every time this happens...my heart feels as if a knife has been plunged deeper and deeper, a wound that would not heal. I fear that it'll be too late for us and that love will turn to spite...

Hope is not on my side, nor is happiness. I don't know what to say when more time is asked for...I wish that day will never come...I want my life back the way it was, in the arms of the woman I love. Life means nothing without the one you love...

Patience...

2011-06-02T13:24:00.002+08:00

As I sit here alone at work, wondering how to make things right between us...I wonder when my opportunity will be...it just hurts me when more time is asked. Like I said before...time heals all wounds, I just hope this heart can last the wait.

Trying to be strong is an understatement...I don't know for how longer can I fake a smile to my family and friends...How I wish this was all over and that we would happy together again...how I wish...how I hope...

For now, I'm holding on to hope. I have nothing else to hang on to...I just have to be patient and pray to ALLAH to make me strong during this troubled time. Alhamdulilah, an ounce of hope has been given to me when she texted me that she does miss me, but still needs time to think things over. At least I can sincerely smile today...even if it is just a faint one...

My love...I miss you so much XOXO

Missing you ...

2011-06-02T00:03:00.005+08:00

It's not easy for me to accept this separation between us...my first night away from her...I'm sleeping alone. Why is this happenning to me...why?? Don't leave me this way...don't let me be all alone like this...don't keep me hanging on to an empty piece of hope...

The reality of her rejection is killing me everytime it plays in my mind...over and over again...I'm dying inside, beyond emotional repair. why does it have to end like this...?? The peace that I had, ended the day she told me she wasn't happy with me...where has the love between us gone...?? We were so good together...

My days used to be filled with colours...now it's filled with darkness and lost hope. Being away from her is not easy for me...thoughts of her are constantly in this heart...joy has turned to sadness...life only has meaning to me when she's part of it. Thinking of all that we've been through...doesn't it mean anything to her...?? Never in my dreams did I foresee this coming...our life together faded into a memory...True love was a gift we took for granted. I cannot live without her by my side...she will forever be my love...I miss her badly...

I don't know....

2011-05-31T21:34:00.005+08:00

My eyes hurt...my heart is in pain...my mind is numb...I don't know how long this heart can stand the pain of her ignorance. Trying to talk things out between us only leads to more tears and frustration. I don't know what else I can do to make her happy...I don't know what else can be said to make things right. I am lost...I feel worthless and useless as a husband. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership...I feel so alone.

Time heals all wounds...that is what is asked for...until when? I do not know... With each passing moment, not a second goes by that I do not think of her. It is with a heavy heart that I have choosen to move out from our place and move back to my family. It seems she is far more happier on her own... I don't know how for how long... I don't know how long I can live without her in my life. But if this is the only way to save a marriage...I have to live with it for now.

As I sit here...thinking of all that is going on...thinking of what I could have done to prevent all this. I am living in regret for all my wrongs. All the sorry's in the world cannot begin to forgive my wrongs...but I want to work things out between us...I want to move on with us...

Hope...

2011-05-31T03:21:00.011+08:00

It's been a while...a long long while...times have changed and I've moved on in my life...I told myself once happiness is mine, there would not be a need to post my pain...no more tantrums to rant...no more pain to taste...but I was wrong.

Circumstances have changed in my life for the better, I found that special certain someone in my life that makes me smile to no end. I've commited and devoted my life to her...I've made a promise to ALLAH to look after her and protect her from all harm. Yes...I have finally found my soulmate...my best friend, my better other half...my wife.

Happiness should last forever...but once the honeymoon is over...reality takes over, it is not a friend of mine. Flash forward...I'm saddened by the fact that she does not care about me anymore...I've missed her hugs and the way her hand holds mine...I miss that look of love every morning I awake. I am invisible to her now...I am sorrowed everytime she turns away from me...I am in pain when she ignores my touch. My words are silent in her mind...I do not exist around her. Should a devoted and loyal husband deserve to feel this way?! Please understand...I have done no harm or no cause for the hatred and emptiness in her eyes. My questions to her have a silent reply...my heart cries in pain...my eyes...painful, trying to hold back the tears. I tell myself to be strong, hoping the next day will be a better day for 'us'. My prayers ask for nothing of but our happiness, but with each passing day the distance between us widens till no end. I don't know how long can I live this way...my heart can no longer tolerate the agony of pain. Hope is not by my side...

Jujur...

2010-03-11T12:53:00.000+08:00

Kerispatih - Aku harus jujur....

Loving this...

Why?

2010-03-04T02:15:00.000+08:00

My 1st post for 2010...

I'm still awake...still lying here aimlessly wondering of what's going on in my life , staring up at the darkness above with an annoying knacker of wind outside my window. Life here is absolutely grey and cold. I don't see myself moving back here...I don't see myself going back either. I'm homesick & frustrated at the same time...I wanna go home to my loved ones...home, where I really belong. Sadly, that's not one of the options for me now. Being here is more of a curse rather than a blessing...

Eyes...eyes...why won't you sleep?! It seems my body has lost control...my tantrums have taken over again...

2009-10-27T20:59:00.002+08:00

Burn & Soul - Bidadari

I am Me....

2009-10-13T20:40:00.005+08:00

Hey everyone...it's been awhile...I deeply apologise for such a dissapearence...life has been taking me hostage for sometime...my thoughts are non-existent at all. You maybe wondering what I've been up to lately for the past couple of months and no I didn't abandon my blog...abscond would be a better word for it, hopefully I'm here to stay for now on. For those who may not know, I have been away for sometime, work commitments have chopped, screwed and spat-out what ever life I may have called my own...then, hence laziness sets in, though the body may be healthy, but the mind remains too de-moralized to blog...

As for Love in my life...it's still a big void...nothing filled except for caution & spite...an assuring combination followed by darkness and uncertainty...dramatically, it may sound disturbing to some...honestly, ...well being alone makes the mind conjure up weird...be it uncanny thoughts. I 've put love on hold for now, I feel that I kinda don't wanna get mixed up in it...life seems too complexed as it is...and the thought of romance has some how lost it's prized meaning to me...however I'm not resenting it at all...just taking a back seat from all the action I suppose. Please note that this is not an attempt to forget love at all...it's just my way of shelving it for future reference, a comical but technical term used by a close friend. I've been too unlucky for too long...it's best that I take a break and start to appreciate what I already have...a loving family and the company of genuine friends. A tough decision it may seem, but one that is much required from within. I even ' accidentally ' ran into my first love the other day...I was surprised at myself...rather more proud to say the least that I didn't even get any flashbacks this time...no more reminders of past pain...I must have gotten over it...or then again maybe I'm just heartless now...who knows?!?

By the way, I'd like to wish everyone a " Selamat Hari Raya Aidilifitri...mohon maaf lahir & batin.. ". I hope everyone had a meaningful raya as I did this year... At least this year I got to be with my family during Ramadhan and Syawal...something that I'll cherish and always feel blessed and thankful for. Ramadhan has always been a calming time for me, life feels a bit more balanced...during the day I would be engrossed with work, keeping myself busy and all...by night I'd look forward to performing the tarawih prayers...it was very soothing to the mind & soul...I felt safe from harm and difficulties. Insyallah, I shall meet Ramadhan again next year...Amin. However, Syawal seemed more quieter this year...most of the time was spent with close family...I didn't even get to visit any friends this year...dunno why...like I said it just seemed quieter this year...

Terima Kasih Cinta

2009-04-17T02:09:00.000+08:00

Afghan - Terima Kasih Cinta

Smile....you're home...

2009-04-16T14:38:00.005+08:00

I'm home...home sweet home...no place I'd rather be...than here. I've been waiting so long to say that...it sounds kinda over-rated by now??! It's good to be back...an unexplainable feeling...as if to exhale all the built up stress over the past few weeks...the work has been draining my soul. Rest & relaxation is my only remedy...

About my trip...it's been a while since my last trip to NY...nothing much has changed...the city...the people...it's all the same... The only difference this time is that...MsAngel was there...like I said before, I 'm not gonna get myself hurt by her anymore...I resisted temptation...but still fell victim to lust & desire. Things happened between us, like a careless mistake...history repeats itself. This time round she caught me off guard... with talks of commitments, family and subtle hints of settling down... Confused...my mind is clouded by so many questions...my judgement unreasoned towards the sincerity of her gestures. Was it something that she had planned..or was it ignited by the moment..??!! I don't know...things happen for a reason, but there are so many mysteries in this world...it's hard to say what reasons would determine our destiny...right? Anyway, I kinda ignored her 'issues' for awhile...not because of being insensitive towards her feelings...but because I have no answers for her...My heart is in a place it doesn't want to be... I'm not convinced that she is the happiness I am longing for...nor am I prepared to give-in to her demands. Now the guilt haunts me...if whether I made the right choice...*sigh*. On the other hand, the plus side of my trip was that I managed to have a reunion with a few of my Indonesian college buddies living in L.A. , it was good to talk about old times and how our lives have changed over the years since then... I guess overall, we felt blessed at how our lives have turned out in the end...though they were a little surprised at why I haven't settled down with a family yet... I kindly replied that perhaps it's just not my time yet and I'll just have to be patient about it...

Well, I guess that about sums it up in a nutshell...a brief account of what's been happening since I've been away...I'm making the most of my short holiday...spending quality time with my loved ones...before I have to leave again...back to my daily grind...

Naive....

2009-04-02T14:27:00.004+08:00

Naive people can do foolish things...I am one of them. Maybe it happens for a reason...maybe it happens to be a spontaneous act where stupidity takes over completely...I don't know...I seem to be the one who falls into the trap...well most of the time. For those who know where I am at the moment...it's been a hectic week for me...bordering on chaotic really. Stuck in the concrete jungle, one wonders how can these people survive the sights each morning..?? All I see is the gloom, the slum and the noise of it all. This place is not for me...I'm feeling more homesick now. The only consolation for me to get my mind off things is the comfort of seeing MsAngel. I've noticed these past few days that she seems a changed person...not like before...maybe,I think?? It's very contradicting I know...I'm only human. I'm indecisive...my judgement is poor. I can tell she's trying her best to get back into my world, but we both know the history between us, and in the end it will just repeat itself...regardless on how hard we try to make it work. She's even talking about commitments and all...that she's ready to settle down...tempting but will it work?? hmm...I feel lost with all these happenings, so for now I'm concentrating on getting work done rather than the conflict of MsAngel. We've been going out each night...I'm well looked after here...she's gone out of her way to take me out for a proper halal meal...instead of my usual ' stay-in instant noodles '. For that, I am still grateful to her...my only regret now was that I made the mistake of letting her stay over the other night...out of that gesture, she took advantage of the situation...and you guessed it...one thing led to another...opps! I did it again as Britney would put it... Anyway that's a story I'll share for another time...

Leaving....

2009-03-25T14:55:00.002+08:00

I'm leaving Singapore for work commitments today, I hope the fresh new surroundings of my destination will be able to lift up my spirits. I have been told that I would be away for a week, I know for well that the difference in time there will wreck havoc on my sleeping...so I guess I'll be doing a lot of deep thought on the plane. Left work early today, still have to pack and make sure everything is in order. Despite the excitement, I do still feel awful, but better than yesterday...I'm sorry readers...everyone has a bad day, even angels...

Lewat Semesta

2009-03-24T20:23:00.000+08:00

Randy Pangalila - Lewat Semesta

Alone for now....

2009-03-24T19:58:00.003+08:00

It's just one of those days...I need to get my life together...I have enough of everyone...I just need myself. Call it what you like...I just want to be alone for now...no excuses, no reasons...There are just too many to list...besides, I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings...I'm not that kinda guy. I'm in a trashy mood...I feel I have to break something to vent it all out...though a part of me refrains from lashing out, in the back of my mind I'm already pounding away at the wall...bleeding hands and all...

My head is heavy...my mind twisted with confusion...I hate to take sides...I hate to be in the middle of situations not of my being. Am I wrong to turn a blind eye?? My mind sees what my eyes cannot...unfortunately ignorance rules my judgement...I feel helpless...

Leave me be...leave me alone...let me heal...let me be by myself for now...

Wrong....

2009-03-19T14:39:00.002+08:00

Everything seems wrong today...everything I do even seems wrong today...what's the matter with me?? Another bad day I'm going through, enough said. Been feeling kinda low lately...my self-esteem is non-existent...can't explain it...I just feel it...it's that time that I don't need the world to look at me...I'd rather hide from everyone. To make matters worse... I'm homesick too! I don't know when I'm going home yet...I wish it were sooner...can't stand another day by myself. Another predicament I'm in...should I take up this new offer or not...my mind boggles at the very thought of living the 'singaporean' life??! Am I up to the challenge? Maybe...but being adventurous is another issue...another dilemma to add to my list of woes. I don't feel right at the moment...maybe I'm coming down with something?? Maybe I haven't been getting enough rest this week...stress...stress...stress...woe is me.

Regret...

2009-03-11T14:41:00.004+08:00

Foolish people do stupid things...I am one of them. I don't know what's going on with me right now...I spent the better part of my morning neglecting work and logging on to MSN... chatting with MsAngel??! I guess that must have made her day...never saw so much 'smileys' in one sentence...maybe she was surprised too? Things just led to one another...then the flirting started...now I feel awful for being that way... what have I done?? If only I could have kicked myself in the head...if only... An update on MsAngel...she's still trying to get her previous post back, since she can't seem to cope with the work ethics there, so hopefully soon her transfer back will fall through. Due to the global financial crisis, it seems that there aren't much prospects for corporate lawyers thee anymore. However she still shows that she wants me...for obvious reasons, she's made it apparent that I am still the guy for her and etc..etc..bla..bla.. well you what I mean.

I am in deep regret now...my mind is blank...I don't think i can concentrate on work now. Regret can be such a distraction...it's consuming most of my thoughts. Funny thing about 'Regret' is, it's better to regret something you haven't done...rather than regret something you have done..?! Get it? My mistake follows me like my shadow...it has no worth, I can't change the past... She used to make my world worth while...now all I see is hurt. My mind is thinking of everything we've done...yet, understand nothing between us...my memories are lost...

Misunderstood....

2009-03-10T14:50:00.003+08:00

I found myself wandering around Orchard Road last night...not much on my mind, just feeling homesick I guess. Yes, I'm still away...don't know till when...not much longer I hope...Anyway, due to my ultra busy schedule...updating my blog has been much of an option for me...thoughts pouring in and out my head go unheard...unexpressed...unsolved, maybe I'm losing it..?? I hope not...I still have a long way to go in this life...

I've noticed that people seem to react differently in an annoying way during first impressions...maybe it's because of how I look..or maybe my physical appearance is misleading?? How I dress or present myself physically doesn't affect the way I am...like the saying goes " Never judge a book by it's cover..." , but then being Asians...I don't blame them for acting in their defence...It's just so annoying at times, when you see the reaction on their faces " what...your malay??! " etc..etc.. I guess I'm taking it as a racial remark...perhaps the Chinese community here has something against the Malays here??!! I don't know...I don't want to know actually...I'm just sick and tired of being in the center of their cross-fire....

India Arie ft Akon - I'm not my hair...

2009-03-10T14:48:00.002+08:00

" How I look does not represent the way I am.... "

Unfaithful

2009-02-18T14:29:00.001+08:00

Rihanna ft Royalty - Unfaithful

" I love this version.... "

I wish...

2009-02-11T14:31:00.003+08:00

I realised all the love between us was wrong, I just thought I knew it all...I was wrong then. You were not the love I was looking for...but the love I wanted all this while. Time cannot change the way I feel about you...it only make me miss you more, though my hate will always be there. Sometimes I wish that we never went our separate ways...sometimes I wish I could change the past between us...it should have never been that way...I was yours and you were mine. My feelings for you have remained the same since the day you left me...you were the love I choose to hate...I have regretted the hate for you inside me...it gives me no peace in this life...nor any pleasure in love. i used to dream of you to comfort the loneliness...it just doesn't work anymore...dreams never come through anyway...'hope' is all I have left. I miss you now regardless of where you are...should I wait for you to come back to me??

Rehab...

2009-02-10T14:40:00.000+08:00

Rihanna - Rehab

2009-02-02T14:48:00.003+08:00

Life can be hard & unreasonable sometimes...ok..ok..most times in my case then. Though I may not notice it...there is usually some form of silver lining somewhere??! Anyway, I'm still miserable...I was away for the weekend, promised mum that I would accompany here on a trip. All was good...sometimes we need to be away from our daily surroundings...more of an escape from our own reality...a change of scenery some might say. But the best thing for me was to get to spend time with a loved one...I had my mom all to myself...how secured I felt...like I was seven again...ahh...the memories that reminisce... It gave me an opportunity to connect with her...it seems it's been a while since we had that 'mother-son talk'...I didn't know that mum was so concerned...even though I'm all grown up now...I guess that being an only son has it's privileges eh?? I'll always cherish the good times we had and will look forward to the times we will be sharing...all my problems seem to disappear when I'm with her... Life can be almost perfect...don't you think??

You....

2009-01-30T00:43:00.002+08:00

Ten Sharp - You

Another old song....my feelings...my words...dedicated to my love...whoever...where ever you are....

Set Adrift on Memory Bliss....

2009-01-30T00:01:00.003+08:00

PM Dawn - Set Adrift on Memory Bliss.... an oldie...but goodie...

Silence please....

2009-01-29T18:36:00.003+08:00

Listen to that...nothing...just the sound of raindrops outside...I can't believe how anyone can sleep through this thunderstorm...My body is tired, but my mind is wide awake...thoughts...tantrums and 'whatevers' plague my mind. Tossing and turning did not help...I'm fully awake again...I can hear the wind and raindrops crashing at my window...I feel helpless at the mercy of the weather...how I wish I wasn't alone at this point in time. It's been on my mind...was I wrong not to let MsAngel come home with me...what if I was..?? What if she did..?? A whole lot of 'what ifs ' inside this confused head of mine... A better part of me assured myself that it was good judgement that made me say it...then again the gullible side of me is regretting the decision...the conflicts within me, it's a burdening insanity...??! Layman's terms..." it's driving me nuts! ". I look at my phone...5 missed calls and a dozen texts...it's from her!!... She's playing me...teasing me...hoping to get lucky, I suppose...and she's not afraid to say it. She's hinting how excited she gets when she's alone with me...etc... I feel hopeless...I don't want to regret my actions...been there...done that...don't wanna go through it again...I want to ignore her...but the dirty messages she sends me doesn't help at all...I'm weak...I hate myself now...

Dreams come true...Nightmares haunt you...

2009-01-26T02:21:00.008+08:00

It's raining outside...the sound deafens my peace...I'm messed up...really messed up again. Trying to carry on with my life is just another understatement...how do I move on, is another...??! I guess it started last weekend, feeling hungry on a Saturday night...I detoured to McDonalds on my way home...hoping that a BigMac & shake would suffice my appetite...instead I got more than I bargained for...while queueing I got a tapped on my shoulder...followed by a " Excuse I'm in a rush...do you mind?? " Surprised at such a remark...I turned around...eyes wide open, I kinda was taken aback at my sight...it was MsAngel!!?? Shocked as I was...trying to maintain a stunned composure...the only words that blurted out of me was " Your back..?? " MsAngel was getting herself some munchies as well...hence the surprise encounter or was it intended on her part??! I could sense that something had changed about her...she was grinning ear to ear...A takeaway was out of the question...I think I was given a guilt-trip about it and found myself sitting at the table with her...she wanted to do some catching up. She's back for CNY...a short stay for a week, then it's back to the States. Going forward...she' upset with me still for not replying any of her e-mails...and more upset for not replying her texts...I only answered with reason that's she's already spoken for, and that it would just hurt me more trying to get over her. Being pleased with herself for having the courage to ask me bluntly must have boosted her confidence...she had the cheek to ask me if she could come to my place..?? Eyes rolled wide, I had a faint smile...and said something like..." Wouldn't he mind??...." she replied..." it's over between us!! I found it out the hard way...he was screwing some bi#@h..!! ". My conscience got the best of me...I politely declined her advances, saying that I was staying at my parents house for temporarily, while my flat was painted...told her I repainted my kitchen...so the smell is still overwhelming...which is true up to a point, I got my kitchen painted last year...so a little doesn't hurt anyone. We went our separate ways later that night...left there with mixed feelings...and flashbacks of a painful past started to play in my mind again.

A few days have passed, apart from getting a text invite to her open house for CNY...I haven't heard much from her...not that I'm hoping for anything to happen...really I am....

Coming Home....

2009-01-06T21:41:00.004+08:00

It's good to be home...It's good to be back...It's good to be surrounded by familiar faces... I feel as if I've just been released from prison...a moment to exhale as they say. I'm in my flat now...writing this blog on 'the' sofa...I forgot how comfortable it was just to lounge on...soothing me...I feel secure...for now. Everything is just as I left it...I'm grateful to the maid and the neighbours for looking after my place...without them I'd be greeted by dust & cob-webs...something I can do without...housework!

Looking out the window...I see an empty road...it's peacefu...I'm smiling, it's nothing like the bustle of Orchard Road...A good change of pace...I need the quiteness...I need the loneliness...I need the silence...my soul is in need of some zen, I have to work on that soon. I have a few days off work till next week...maybe it's time to hit the gym to de-stress ?? We'll see...

Well, it's 2009 now...can't believe that another year has gone by...the lost loves...the heartaches..and yes...the tantrums! So many bad memories...I'm trying hard to forget most of them...out with the old, in with the new...as people say...??!! As for my new year's resolutions...I haven't given it too much thought yet, except that I will "try" ( wink wink ) to update my blog more regularly as before...no promises...but I'll definitely give it a try...

I feel....

2008-12-24T22:51:00.002+08:00

Je suis ... solitaire mes nuits sont ... solitaire ma vie est vide, Pourquoi aime-je et non aimé par quelqu'un ? Qu'est-ce qui est je ? Mais en réalité je perds lentement mon esprit... Je souffre. Au-dessous de ce sourire ... personne ne sait la douleur et le refus que j'ai été par. Je porte un déguisement qui cache toute ma misère et douleur. Je ne peux prendre plus de ce ... chaque jour est une lutte ... ma vie est une lutte .... pourquoi m'arrive-t-il ?

Simple Pleasures....

2008-12-10T13:37:00.002+08:00

Sometimes when we get too caught up in our daily lives, we tend to take for granted life's little simple pleasures... I for one have kinda realized this the hard way. I had to go on an unplanned trip to Batam last week, work related...so duty calls, being it was my first time there, didn't really know what to expect at all. Little did I know how under-developed and over-populated it was...my living conditions were to a bare minimum...and I meant that literally. Looking past that I can see the people who lived there...were simple and content with what they had...something a person like me couldn't live without...like a stable internet connection. Regardless of their conditions, the people there are proud of the their heritage...their way of life. Having lived among them...I 've learned that 'being humble' can go a long way no matter where you are coming from and what you are made of. Coming back to 'civilization' has taught me a great lesson, something that cannot be learned...only experienced. For that I am now grateful for life's little simple pleasures...

P/S I know that this is just jibberish...so bear with me....

Every piece of my heart....

2008-12-05T01:25:00.002+08:00

Atozzio - Every piece of my heart

'' Love this song....''

Sorrow...

2008-12-03T00:18:00.004+08:00

My nights are filled with loneliness...thoughts of you playing in my mind, as if you were still mine. I dream of a day I hope to see you again...But until that day comes I'll be alone...by myself I am nothing...no one. You were the only one who understood me...you understood the things I was going through...You held me, loved me, made me feel good more than I could have imagined.

Now that you've left me...The loneliness overwhelms me each time I think of you... it hurts me most to miss the smile on your face. You were the only one that kept the darkness away...You were my light...my strength...and almost my life, But now it's all gone...and I can never hope to get out of this sadness I'm in...not until you come back to hold me again... I miss you...

Over now....

2008-11-06T14:52:00.003+08:00

It's been a while..I know...things have been fairly crazy busy for me lately, that I'm just too tired and fed up to blog my tantrums...life gets too complicated sometimes that even the simplest task can be put on hold till it's too late. I guess everyone is wondering what's been happening with me?? Well I'm home now...yes, back in Brunei...still tied down with work...another 2 more weeks and it's off again to Singapore. Don't think I'll be going to the Rihanna concert at all...why you may ask?? Firstly, the intention of going was to have a good time with Tengku S, unfortunately things are not working out between us and before going further into hurting ourselves, it was a mutual feeling for us to part our separate ways...however I'm beginning to feel the emotional scars of it all...I thought 'she' was the one...the happiness that I've been longing for...my mistake for hoping too much. I still have the tickets though...would probably give them away to a friend, I know he'll appreciate the gesture...it'll score him some brownie points with his better half...I hope.

As for Tengku S and me...it must have started about a few days ago, maybe it was wishful thinking on my part, but we kinda got to talking about where things might lead between us...and if things got serious between us, would either one of us be willing to move...it seems that both of us can't commit to any of that...leaving our family and friends. I guess that was the spark to the fire...from there...words became less and thoughts became useless... You get the picture right ?? I'm the victim of circumstance...if that's what it is really?!

Concert....

2008-10-31T01:20:00.004+08:00

It's been a chaotic week here...work...work...and more work...how I'm beginning to hate the word 'deadlines'. Time goes by too fast in this life...a day goes by as if it were an hour to me. I'm starting to miss all the comforts of home...coming back to an empty hotel room just isn't enough to rest a tired soul. All I do when I get back is finish up whatever I didn't get to do at the office, followed by a hot shower...only then to be greeted by a cold bed. Just another five days of this...I need to be patient. Lately I haven't even been able to talk to Tengku S as much as I'd like to...I hope she understands how busy I've been, I hope she knows that I miss her too. Can't wait to see her next month...I've planned a surprise for our next rendezvous, through a friend here, hopefully I've secured tickets to Rihanna's concert here in November ... and I've already made the arrangements for her flights & hotel, since I'll be here again next month too...so many loose issues remain unresolved at work...even after spending a week here...it isn't enough to settle the dramas at work. I guess it'll be a once-a-month trip to Singapore for me from now on, till January 2009 I hope... By the way, in case anyone wonders... I still haven't replied any of MsAngels texts... :) I guess she's still wondering about the other day...

11th....

2008-10-30T18:02:00.001+08:00

GIGI - 11 Januari

Kekasih....

2008-10-24T01:54:00.004+08:00

Ungu - Kekasih Gelapku

'' Ku mencintaimu lebih dari apa pun...meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tau...Ku mencintaimu sedalam-dalam hati ku...meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku...''

Not missing....

2008-10-20T14:29:00.006+08:00

It's been awhile since my last post...I feel like I'm neglecting my readers, forgive me...I know not what I do...but of what has been done to me is the question?! Unfortunately in the condition I am...health wise I mean, I don't think I'm up to it at all. My mind is numb...my thoughts are weathered...my mood is foul...can life get any more bitter than this?? What keeps me going...you may ask?? Her smile keeps me in touch with reality...and leaves a faint smile on this miserable face. Thoughts of Tengku S constantly flow through my head...flowing out of control...creating a new fantasy at every opportunity...

No, I'm not missing her... my heart misses her...no I don't think about her...but my mind wonders what she's doing when we are not together... Am I falling into another hole of depression ?? Missing, wanting and losing...what does it all mean?? Is this...love?! My mind is a mess, my worst thoughts are unwound...am I losing my sense of reality? It has been a trying month for me...with the Raya celebrations behind me, I can now rest myself...no more commitments...no more house visits...I just want to stay in...take refuge in the comfort of the walls that I call my home.

My short weekend with Tengku S was so unbelievable, even if it was only for a day, I'm grateful she took the time to fly over. The first time I saw her exit the arrival hall, I could see her grinning from end to end...I guessed that both of us were excited beyond it all...taking things in stride...I brought her home to meet my parents, since she was staying there anyway... formalities aside, I'm glad it was mum's doing for our paths to cross...it saves me the awkwardness of introducing her. The rest of the day had us just chilling out at home...catching up on things in our own lives. I had an 'open house' invite in the evening...a friend's house...the so-called friend that is going out with Ms Angel that is. Holding no grudges and at a time of forgiveness during Syawal, I opted to go , taking Tengku S along so as she would have a feel of the hospitality of our culture. It's her first visit here...so yeah, she was happy to obliged...but little did I know what to expect that night. I guess almost everyone in the office was there that night...I could see the look on the faces of the ladies...the notorious 'office gossipers' as their known...whispering questions between each other...wondering who was by my side...?? I felt like prince charming escorting Cinderella to the ball...I've always kept my life private and known to be 'solo' at all times...must be a shocker to them to see me...*ahem*...'taken' I mean. Maybe it was the raised attention from the guys that made me feel uncomfortable...?? I know they had their eyes on Tengku S...wondering who she was and how she wound up holding my hand ?? I'm sure I'll be interrogated the next working day at the office...typical... some people can be real busybodies...annoying...but that's just typical. Anyway, we did get to have a good time that night...I even got to introduce Tengku S to a few close friends...yes, I was proud to show her off...sounds shallow but I was enjoying every minute of it...

News of me must have traveled fast that night...got a text message the minute I reached home...something unexpected...which read...'' Who was that with you ?? Please reply me... Ms Angel ''. No reply was sent...silence and ignorance can be a powerful weapon. That night is over and forever shall be nothing less but a wonderful memory to me...something I'll be dreaming of in the days to come...how I wished for time to go by dead slow...I didn't want her to go the next day...

Awaiting patience....

2008-10-08T00:25:00.003+08:00

The pain of waiting is like looking for forever... Waiting...waiting for her to give me that sweet embrace...to have her gently in my arms...I'm patiently waiting for that day. Through day and night...my thoughts are of her, am I dreaming of a better tomorrow or another hopeless reality?? I wish I could just hold her close, I wish I could just hold the warmth of her hand...but there is a space between us...the distance is giving me nothing but pain. Patience takes time...time is frozen when she is away from me...her love drifts away further...how do I overcome this loneliness??

As I long for her to say the words, I may never hear her say... I'll always be afraid of one thing...that we'll always be apart, that we'll always be 'just friends' and she'll never be able to hold me close to her heart.

Tentang Kita....

2008-10-05T04:09:00.002+08:00

Tentang Kita - Channel

Eid-ul Fitr Mubarak.....

2008-10-04T02:13:00.003+08:00

It is often said that "Life" is always what you make of it... I guess that much is true, we choose our own paths in life, no one else determines our destiny but ourselves. Despite the cheerful festivities of Aidilfitri, I find myself still enveloped in sadness and confusion. Sadness because It's another year alone by myself, while close friends are out celebrating with their intimate others... Confusion because whatever relationship I have with Tengku S doesn't seem to go past the infatuation we have for each other... maybe I'm just in resentment??!

My trip away was a good distraction from MsDragon...I guess she's gone back to Oz by now since I haven't heard from her yet...I hope she realises that I'm not looking for her anymore, though I still think of her...I've been avoiding her texts and calls since leaving...I'm starting to feel the guilt building up inside me...believe me, I'm not trying to be mean...but what choice do I have...?? I need to put my past behind me...cruelty...it's an act of desperation in my book. My brief one day detour to KL was good...I enjoyed my iftar with Tengku S... her company was refreshing, something I really needed to unwind after a hectic week of meetings, presentations and negotiations. We talked about so many things...things happening in our daily lives...I'm impressed, she's a good listener too. We got to a point where it came to a topic about ' US '...something we've been trying to avoid all this time. We've decided to take things easy...like one step at a time...so as not to ruin what we have for each other now. I'm guessing, we're just being careful...long distance relationships are easily short lived...too many unwanted temptations out there. The good news is she's flying over next weekend to spend Aidilfitri here with me...something I'm really looking forward to...spending time with Tengku S on home ground. Even if it's only going to be for two days, it'll be something I'm grateful for... I hope.

" To all my faithful readers... have a blessed Eid-ul Fitr Mubarak this year...much love, Joe ."

Dicintai....

2008-09-19T04:18:00.003+08:00

Ari - Dicintai tuk' disakiti

" pergi dan jangan kembali...ku ingin sendiri..."

Hanya kau....

2008-09-19T03:07:00.000+08:00

Aizat - Hanya kau yang mampu...

Prisoner....

2008-09-18T03:26:00.004+08:00

I am a prisoner of her heart...there are far too many memories to let go...chained and bound to the love in my heart, I do and don't want them to stop...it is the only joy I can remember in my life...a tortured reality I've created for myself. I don't know how to move on...Ms Dragon has me in the palm of her hand...She's constantly with me here, I need my space...I need to breath...I'm suffocating from her intimacy...why? I don't know why...?? Maybe her true colors are beginning to unfold, my deepest desires and dreams of her are nothing like this...her lips aren't as sweet as they used to be...her smile used to be so sincere...I don't see that in her anymore... Is the grass really greener on the other side??

My life is becoming too unpredictable...as if my life has to revolve around hers...she's forcing herself onto me too willingly, it's sickening. I want to be alone... to gather my thoughts and find my passions... I feel so lost... I need to get away...

Smiles....

2008-09-16T00:15:00.004+08:00

Behind this smile of mine…is a longing for affection...a desire that I know will never be fulfilled. A longing that becomes real only when in my dreams. Behind my smile…is a dream that I pray will never end...a false reality that will always be... filled with false hopes that I look forward to. Behind my smile... what's left is my heart…shattered over and over again in aspirations of something I know I will never have... never have to hold, never have to love and never will ever be. I don't know how to get the message across...a part of me wants her...another part of me wants to avoid the pain. She's here when I get back from work...and stays till I awake...what is she trying to do to me...??

Unexpected....

2008-09-15T00:23:00.002+08:00

How do you expect the unexpected...? It’s come to a point, Where I don’t know what to expect anymore. No idea who to run to, A month ago I was a mess...because all day I’d think of her. Now I sit back with relief...a feeling which comforts me. I've made my decision to be alone for now...I don't need any distractions...I want to carry on with my life...meet new people and maybe try new things...but I guess my choices are short-lived for now...

It started this morning...not something that I would expect on a Sunday...I'm usually in bed till noon...but today I was unexpectedly woken up by the constant ringing of my doorbell...dragging myself out of bed...and walking to the door eyes wide shut, I was thinking to myself who could this be...I wasn't expecting anyone this early....I opened my door, to my surprise it was Ms Dragon!? Shocked and confused...I let her in as if I was dreaming about it...sleepy as I was speechless...she led me in hand back to my bed and apologised for waking me up so early. I asked her what she was doing back here?? She smiled and cheekily said " to see you...silly...what else..??! ". What I meant was...what was she doing back in Brunei...she explained that she had two weeks off her study program...so she decided to come home. Lying there...trying to make sense of the confusion building up in my mind...I guess while she was comforting me...I must have dozed off, seeing that I only had a few hours sleep....I don't remember anything else after that...

Waking up later in the afternoon...I tried too make sense of it all...was it real that she was back? I was still in a confused state...kinda just spent the whole afternoon wondering what had happened...was it a dream...it just seemed so real. Come 5pm...I was getting ready for Sungkai...the doorbell rang again...Ms Dragon came over again with some food, I guess she remembered that I was fasting. Trying not to look surprised...I kinda just smiled and let her in.

I wonder why this is happening to me now...it's so unreal...did I trigger something inside...when I told her I had met someone else...Did she feel threatened by that?? I don't know...I hope I get the answers soon... Having her here with me all to myself is something I've always wanted...but not now...why? I have no idea...like I said before...how do you expect the unexpected ??

Cinta Kita....

2008-09-11T01:46:00.004+08:00

Teachers Pet - Cinta Kita

My all time favorite song...it reminds me that when I find my true love...it will be forever....

Torn....

2008-09-11T00:45:00.002+08:00

It is said that happiness comes to those who waits...or something like that??! I've gone through the hurt...the pain...the suffering and a multitude of tantrums...but things never seem to be working out for me...nothing usually is in my favour...it never usually is... Throughout my life, I've accepted the fact that I shouldn't keep my expectations high...I shouldn't get my hopes up...it helps me avoid all the ugliness of broken dreams... I'm at a cross-roads, I'm in a dilemma...I thought I've found my happiness again...only to be unexpectedly ruined again... I think I've lost the feeling to love...I have no heart to give...

It all started a few days ago...I spoke to MsDragon...I had to let her know...I wanted her to hear my words...it was time to end this affair. Little did I know what to expect after that...I thought she would understand, but I was wrong...now I'm caught in a dilemma...I feel trapped. I told her that I had met someone...that I was happy again, she didn't want to hear of it...she confessed that after our last weekend...she's made up her mind, she's leaving her bf and moving out on her own. MsDragon has made her choice to be with me...she's coming home after she finishes her study program in Oz...sometime in December. I was speechless...how do I move on now?? Should I stay or should I go...?? My mind is made up to be alone, but after this I'm having mixed feelings now... Who do I choose...I feel torn on what to do between the two hearts... Torn to choose over one another... Thinking about all the good times we shared...and the bad times that occurred...still I'm torn between the two...

Pernah....

2008-09-08T01:45:00.001+08:00

Ferhad - Pernah (live)

" Aku pernah... "

Since then....

2008-09-05T00:14:00.006+08:00

It's been a very busy day...and being in the month of Ramadhan, one has to practice patience with almost everything... I just spoke to Tengku S...she's doing fine back in KL, busy with work too...she also has me on her mind...I told her the feeling is mutual...sad thing is, we only had a day together...I suppose we didn't count on falling for each other...did we??!! But, I'm thankful for the wonders of modern technology...she is just 'a press of a button' away...we constantly chat over MSN...also texting via SMS...and lately, video chat via Skype...to satisfy our feelings for each other.

On the day I had to leave KL, she took time off work to send me to the airport...since my flight was late in the afternoon...we spent most of the morning at the airport cafe...just talking, enjoying each others company...she jokingly kept on dropping hints to make me stay another day...but I had to be home for the start of Ramadhan...it's been a tradition of mine to spend the first day of sungkai with my family. I could tell that the look in her eyes were saddened to see me leave...but her smile assured me that she was strong enough to let me go...I promised her that she'll see me again...soon she hopes. It's been only a day...but it felt as if we've known each other longer than that, we seemed so comfortable together...could this be our true feelings blossoming between us...or could this just be sudden infatuation...??!! Let's just let time decide for us...no sense in rushing everything right?! Before entering the departure hall...we said our goodbyes...I still remember her smile...I guess she was trying hard not to lose it and break a tear...she gave me a long hug and whispered in my ear..." Thank you for coming to meet me...but I wish you didn't have to leave me...". I was speechless...her words were so sincere...I only smiled at her...saying she'll definitely see me again...

Arriving home...mum & sis met me at the airport...and of course the first question asked was... "How was it?...Do you like her?...etc...etc " ...I just grinned and said it was OK...that she was nice... and that I had a great time... I didn't want to sound too excited...it's too early, I don't want to give her any ideas...I don't want to give her any false hopes. I want to take it slow...one step at a time...It's too soon for me to be committed to anyone...for now...

Tengku....

2008-09-04T01:02:00.006+08:00

I'm sitting here...thinking of you...thinking of how badly I want to be there with you. That is my only wish...and for that wish to come true, I'd do anything for it... How I wish you were here...I love the feeling of having you around me...your company...your touch and your words...makes me feel wanted. Your presence makes everything better...while your smile shines through my darkest days...you're sweet laughter makes me want you more...You're constantly on my mind...I'm starting to miss you now.

Missing is a strange thing...something I never thought I would ever feel again... It's a pain, A constant longing that never goes away. I feel so empty...I feel alone, I only want to be with you now. I wish I could see you...If only for 5 minutes, it would make me the happiest person on earth...I want you here, I need you here...I'm missing you...

Cinta Begini....

2008-09-01T14:38:00.003+08:00

TANGGA- CINTA BEGINI -

" Akhirnya kita harus memilih satu yang pasti...mana mungkin terus jalani cinta begini..."

I'm letting go of my pasts...there's no eternity with them, only uncertainty and false hopes...forgive me for being this way...

To all....

2008-08-31T04:04:00.001+08:00

Gya - Semoga kau mengerti

To all... Have a good and full filling Ramadhan Mubarak...

Nice to meet you....

2008-08-31T04:00:00.000+08:00

I'm in KL now... finally got to meet my 'blind-date'...the daughter of a family friend's acquaintance. I'll address her as ' Tengku S '...I gave her a call this morning, it seems she's been expecting my call and sounded excited to meet me...plus she has such a cute voice, very soft spoken and sincere...kinda aroused my interest too. I was more nervous rather than excited really...it didn't feel like butterflies were in my tummy, it was more like elephants stomping inside!? I was confused at why I was feeling this way...I don't know...maybe my mind has too many expectations and assumptions...it's human nature when you're about to expect the unexpected, right...I think...?? Anyway, noontime came...Tengku S said she would meet me at the hotel lobby, since I don't know how she looks like...I asked her at how would I recognise her?? She said...she knows how I look like and will surprise me??! How? I guess mum must have showed her a photo of me...something like that...that made me even more nervous! Well...she did come walking up to me and surprised me...caught off-guard...my nervousness gently faded and she was not what I had expected...she was of average height and build...really fair complexion...shoulder length hair...light blue eyes and a smile to leave anyone speechless?? Her mom is of eurasian-dutch descendant, hence her attributes...it took me a few minutes to come to my senses...yes, she was attractive...I think I was spellbound for a few seconds there...

Introductions aside...we decided to walk over to the Mall and look for a place to have lunch. On the way...we talked about the arrangement our mums had made for us...just to get a laugh over the awkwardness...it made the whole afternoon for us more comfortable after that. Over lunch, we got learn about each other...like what we did...what we like...the usual getting to know you routine basically...Tengku S is a doctor by profession, a paediatrician...because she loves children. She is in her mid twenties, great personality and loves to live for the moment...hence she can be pretty unpredictable actually. After lunch, we walked around the shops for awhile because I needed to get some shopping done...from what I can see, she's a good judge of character and opinionated too...she speaks her mind with confidence and has good taste of choice. In one of the shops, I let her choose a shirt for me...something casual, just to see if she could match my tastes. She was spot-on with her choice...it's like she read my mind...I was fascinated by the way we shared the same wavelength. Hours went by...it was time for us to part ways since she had to leave before getting caught in the infamous KL traffic-jam. Before leaving, she asked if we could meet up in the evening...there was a special place she wanted to take me to...somewhere she knows I've never been to...an experience I'll never forget she says..??! Being adventurous...I agreed, she said she'll text me the details of where to meet her. Seeing her walk away...I couldn't help but think...what if I didn't keep my promise to mum to meet her...it would have been such a loss for me...another regret to live with...

After being well rested for the evening, Tengku S texted me the details of the evening...directions to a club she wanted to meet me at and also to give her a call when I get there. Leaving the hotel with a head full of thoughts wondering where the night would lead to between us...but then again, I was still missing MsDragon... dilemma strikes at the wrong time...it kinda spoils my mood for the evening...I try not to let the guilt get to me...I wanna move on in life...could this be one of the struggles I'll be facing?? The taxi finally arrived at my destination...sure enough I was surprised by where I was...It was a club for sure, just not the one I imagined it to be. What did I get myself into...it was a salsa club...seriously I felt like jumping back into the taxi, in no way am I going be dragged to the dance floor by her. Too late...the taxi left already and there were none in sight...thought to myself to just go with the flow and give her a call. My call was answered instantly...it appears that she was waiting for me all along. She came out to meet me...I was speechless again...she was dressed as a Latin dancer...black halter neck dress with a thigh cut slit, her hair done up and all...it's another side of her I'm impressed with...she fits the part so well. She introduced me to her group of friends...her dance partners she says...a nice friendly bunch. I pleaded with her not to make me dance...since I'm the type with two left feet...clumsy that is. She smiled and said that she won't make me do what I wouldn't want to, but before the night is over...she wanted to have the last dance with me??!! So there I was, sitting in a booth facing the dance floor...She's a great dancer...so agile...she danced with so much passion in her steps. In between dances she would cosy up to me to ask me how I was doing...I think she could tell I was more nervous about the dancing bit and assured me not to worry about it...that everything will turn out fine.

The time finally came...she walked up to me...took my hand and pulled me to the dance floor. Unknown to me...it appears that the last dance of the club is always the slow dance to end the night...that I could do...she held me tight and we just enjoyed each others company from that moment on. It truly was and still is a night to remember after all...

Comme il se doit....

2008-08-29T02:56:00.003+08:00

Marc Antoine - Comme il se doit ( loosely translated means ' In the right way' )

If you're not the one....

2008-08-29T02:14:00.006+08:00

Daniel Bedingfield - If you're not the one...

If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am...

Homesick....

2008-08-27T01:39:00.005+08:00

I'm still away...work commitments in Singapore now...I miss home...I miss my sofa...I miss the lonely nights just sitting on my balcony... Leaving Melbourne was easy...letting go of MsDragon wasn't...it never is. But, we had to go our separate ways...we had to carry on with our separate lives. Since she was leaving later...we said our goodbyes outside the hotel...the sadness in her eyes still haunts me each time I think of her, I end up feeling miserable...I miss her deeply. The days we spent together were filled with unforgettable moments...something that will always leave me smiling each time I think about it. It's what keeps me going for now...I have to focus...I have to move on with my life...though it's going to be a struggle...I know I'll get over her again...one way or another.

In keeping a promise, I'm taking a few days off work before Ramadhan starts...I'm leaving for KL to meet someone...someone I have never me before...yes, I'm going on a 'blind-date'... It's an arrangement made by mum...hesitant and unwilling as I am...I'll keep my promise to her...I have nothing to lose...only gain, if it works out...who knows right??! The only thing is that I don't believe in 'arranged courtings'...I think everyone should have the freedom of making their own choices...not their parents...then again...not everyone has the capacity of making their own decisions...I'm glad I can still make my own. I don't know how it's going to turn out...since I'm still on the rebound from MsDragon...perhaps I shouldn't expect much at all...in truth I'm a little nervous...yet excited, maybe this is just another way for me to divert my thoughts away from MsDragon...I don't know...I'm rambling again....another story saved for another day...

Useless....

2008-08-22T01:52:00.004+08:00

What's the use...the more I turn myself away from her...the more I think of her...the more I want her... useless thoughts on my mind...no answers, just more questions. MsDragon finally showed up at my hotel room tonight...I was at a loss for words from the start, we both were...at first it was the small talk...little things were said, but there were more gestures in her touch. MsDragon is not the type to hide her feelings...she's more of the expressive type...so her actions spoke louder than words...I for one should know...sometimes she's much too affectionate for me...more than I can handle. I could tell that she wasn't completely over me...she didn't hesitate at all, not wasting a precious moment, she had her arms around me as if she found a long lost toy... how could I turn her away now...it felt so right to be in her arms, to have her whisper her words in my ear...I know I'm going to regret tonight...I know I'll be flying home with a broken heart, and a head full of messed up thoughts...

One thing has led to another...no words were said, but now I'm filled with guilt and regret. I'm weak, I surrendered myself to her, I couldn't say 'no' ...I didn't put up a fight... Life has been a struggle to forget her...it has been more painful to let her go...now I'll have to go through it again...why do I let her get away with it...?? I keep asking myself that over and over again...is she my weakness and my surrender?? I don't know...life is so full of unanswered questions...

I'm trying to put together the broken pieces of my confused thoughts for now...hopefully one day I'll be able make sense of it all...I'm writing this on the pretense of doing some unfinished work while she sleeps in the bedroom. I don't know what will happen tomorrow...I don't know what will happen next between us...but what I do know is that, what happened tonight felt good, I found happiness again...even if it was just for a while...

Melbourne....

2008-08-20T01:01:00.005+08:00

It's cold here...very miserably cold...the snow is thick and slippery...I'm thankful I brought my winter gear along. Actually, I got an e-mail from MsDragon before I left...1 of her daily updates to me...asking me to bring my winter clothes along since it snowed heavily this week...being not surprised about it...she knew of my arrival here...I guess she still does have connections (aka spies) in the office still...I should be more careful from now on, not too leak any future travel info outside of my own department...safer that way for me. It's been a busy schedule since I got here...meetings...visits...consultations and dinners... the usual...all work and NO play travel. i hope i'll get some free time to myself soon...just for an afternoon 'chilltime' in the city would do...not much to ask for...I'm not the shopping type of traveller...more laid back instead.

Just read a recent e-mail from MsDragon...asking me how I've been...since my arrival here... i'm just itching to answer...but I hold myself back... I'm scared to think of what it'll lead to...another dissapointment I'm guessing. She said that she coming to Melbourne for a few days...she really wants to meet up with me at my hotel...yes...she knows where I'm staying too. How do I get myself out of it...the naive part of me misses her...but the sensible side of me says otherwise... I'm getting confused with myself now... I know I've ever mentioned that I'm not here to look for her...but never did I anticipate for her to look for me..??!! I don't think there's a big enough rock here, big enough for me to hide under...then again...Why should I hide?! Why should I run?! Why should I be scared?!...This is ridiculous!! I'm starting to contradict myself again...it must be the cold weather... I'm not myself...I have no control...I must be cautious...

I don't know what I'm going to do when she shows up at my door...I don't know what I'm going say when we're face to face once again...and I certainly don't know how I should feel when she's around me...maybe when the time comes I'll know...maybe that is... I'm just trying to be optimistic about it... I can't let her hurt me like before, no matter what happens...thats for sure...

The Loneliness....

2008-08-16T02:16:00.003+08:00

Babyface - The Loneliness

Empty...

2008-08-14T14:26:00.005+08:00

Something's been bugging me...I have that weird sense of emptiness today...like somethings just not right somewhere...It's starting to annoy me...I'm easily irritated...maybe I'm just too forgetful nowadays... too much work will do that to you... however I still don't consider myself a workaholic, but my friends tend to disagree with my assumptions. I guess I've got too much on my mind these past few weeks...it's taken a toll on my sense of reality. MsDragon has been on my thoughts too...I miss her dearly. Lately, I've been ignoring these feelings for far too long...keeping myself busy and all...but ignorance has it's limits... that's why memories usually last forever. I can't help but break a light smile every time I think about her...reminiscing about the past...like the first time she came for dinner at my flat. Good memories...that I'll always cherish...maybe it's what keeps me going for now, hanging on to my sanity. Quoting an avid reader (Guest B)..." Sometimes, what we like...we can't have it and only God knows why? " I agree, things do happen for a reason in our daily lives...be it good or bad... we just have to be patient in order to work things out...

Rubbing salt to the wound...mum has been hinting to me again... I've been avoiding the issue all this while... up till last night that is...she's trying to play cupid... trying to matchmake me in an attempt to settle me down. I know she means well...but I just don't have the heart to tell her that I'm not ready, nor interested...for now. I just want to get my life back on track...like how it used to be...carefree and easy... I miss those lazy days...

Thinking ahead... it's going to be an even more busy week for me, I seem to have taken on more than I can handle...my schedule is tight...I wonder how am I going to get through it all. Sometimes I wish a day would have 36 hours, rather than 24... there is just so much to do...so little time to do it. Another thing, I'll be away again next week... I have a meeting in Oz... It's work related, so no worries... I'm not there to look for MsDragon...

Tired...

2008-08-14T00:23:00.004+08:00

It's been a busy day today...my body is exhausted...my mind is empty...I'm tired of all the work I have to finish...I'm tired of keeping up with everyones expectations...I'm tired of feeling lost, hurt and misunderstood...I'm tired of worrying if I've hurt someones feelings with the choices I've made...I'm tired of putting everyones happiness before mine...I'm tired of the pain and struggles I've put myself through...I'm tired of feeling unappreciated...I'm tired of being the person I don't want to be... maybe I'm just tired of being me...

Heartbreaker....

2008-08-13T13:30:00.002+08:00

Tank - Heartbreaker (video by jrpt85)

" To all the heartbreakers out there...you know who you are... "

The X ....

2008-08-12T14:20:00.008+08:00

I was away again...just a short trip to Bangkok...but none the less...a very tiring one too. So I guess , everyone now knows when my blog is not updated, then I'm away...work commitments as usual. It's been a while since my last trip to Bangkok, I see a lot of changes in the city...despite the traffic jams...it's still a great place to visit, the people are nice there. I wasn't expecting much on this trip...just work...some light shopping and a chance to enjoy the change in atmosphere...Bangkok is cooler this time of year. However my expectations were short lived... I ran into my ex-girlfriend at the hotel lobby...it's been like some 10 years since we've seen each other...and I was surprised to be greeted with such a wide grin from her...all the memories just came pouring into my mind...it made me forget that we parted on such sad terms...because I did catch her in bed with my best buddy. She came up to me...the usual' hug & kisses'...as if nothing happened at all...followed by questions of my being there... She seemed delighted to 'run into' me...apparently she's been there for the past week on training...alone. Since it was a Saturday afternoon, both of us weren't really committed to any plans... we decided have coffee at the nearest Starbucks to catch up on old times. First thing I noticed about her, is that she seems to be more enthusiastic than when I knew her... a complete difference I'm sure. I mean...we were going out for 6 years...nearly engaged even...so I can tell the positive changes in her.

First thing she said to me as we sat down..." I'm SORRY "..." I'm sorry I hurt you"..." I still regret what I did to you...please forgive me ?? " Being caught off guard...I kinda just replied her request in silence...but with a smile. I told her that from what had happened that day...it's not something that's easy to forgive nor forget...I'm scarred by the past...a part of me died that day and I've been careful ever since. It's not really easy for me to give my 100% of trust to anyone nowadays...once bitten, twice shy...never again...maybe?! From the look in her eyes, I hope she understood what I was trying to say...I hope she understood the pain I went through... After all was said and done, with emotions aside... we got to talking as old friends...updating each other with our life goals...happenings...accomplisments and heartaches for the past 10 years... She confessed to me that she didn't end up with my ex-best buddy after all...apparently after what happened that night, she never saw him again after that...it was her biggest regret and it did take her some time to get over the denial of losing me. She's been in a few relationships over the years, but nothing as serious as ours...and currently she's been single for the last year. Maybe by saying that she's trying to hint something...but I've learned my lesson after her...I don't need any reminders of the painful past.

Afternoon turned to dusk...we did a lot of catching up that day and learned so much about each other, but it was time for me to go...I had a dinner invitation to attend...work commitments again. It was so obvious that she was sad to see me leave her there...but then duty calls and that out weighs everything. She asked me if she could see me again later in the evening...even desperately hinting that she would rather spend time in my room than meeting elsewhere, I politely declined her... saying it wasn't such a good idea...I really couldn't trust myself with her.

I left her again that day...without looking back, without any regrets. 10 years ago, I promised myself that I won't let her hurt me again... I won't let her be a part of me anymore... I'm glad I kept that promise now. It's not easy to turn and walk away from your first love...it's not easy to ignore the memories, no matter how painful they are...it's not easy at all...

Dedicated to all....

2008-08-06T01:39:00.004+08:00

Tompi - Cinta yang Kucari...

" Dedicated to all my faithful readers...thank you for all your kind thoughts and words..."

Imperfect....

2008-08-05T14:20:00.002+08:00

I can't make right any of my past mistakes...I can only learn from them...even if I've never regretted them either and I can't change the person I am...it's not my fault if i wasn't born PERFECT. My day started out fine...besides the stress of my heavy workload...I felt a slight sense of freedom from not having to lock myself inside my office...no more worries of Ms Angel steam-rolling in to an awkward confrontation.

Moving on throughout the day, I assumed it to be tantrum-free...a first since my affairs with MsAngel began...however, upon being visited by the 'colleague' who apparently is going out with MsAngel...the ugly signs start to appear in my mind. Even now that she's left...she didn't take her 'boyfriend' with her...and now the guy is looking for a shoulder to cry on... slumped on my sofa, feeling so down because his girlfriend had to leave him behind and doesn't know if he can survive a long-distance relationship...?? He didn't actually say that he was going out with MsAngel...just referring to her as 'my baby' ..... my baby this...my baby that...*sigh*...It's starting to annoy me deeply. If only he knew the truth about us, if only...but I don't ' kiss & tell ' . Playing along, i innocently asked him...how long has he been out with her...to which he replied that they had only been going out seriously for the last two months...pretending to be surprised, I said to him...well if the relationship is fairly recent, then he has nothing to worry about...it's not like everything's gone stale. I tried to put his mind at ease...but what he said next really shocked me...he was comparing himself to MsAngels secret-x boyfriend...saying he never knew who he was, but she used to talk about him and that she didn't want to be with him because she found out that he had a disease... along the lines of saying...he's not perfect for her because of that...??!! That stunned me...I was speechless...trying not to give myself away...I ended the conversation with him, on excuse that I had a meeting to attend... he thanked me for being an ear to his dilemma...and left.

Now that I know the absolute truth, for what she did to me was intentional and mean...only MsAngel knew of my condition...I thought she would understand me by now...another mistake. I can't believe she didn't look at me beyond my imperfections...the damage is done...no remedies can heal this heart anymore. Maybe this is how it feels to be betrayed by an angel...

Got time...??

2008-08-04T14:17:00.005+08:00

I find myself losing time more frequent than ever...I don't know why it happens, I lose track of time so easily...how uncertain can one be ?! With the busy week behind me...I hope I'll have more time to write, it's been one hurdle after another...why write anything when your whole mind is a mess?! why bother..?? I'm learning to be alone for now, slowly embracing the fact that I have no more emotional attachments to anyone at all...it's not easy to change oneself...but then, change is always good for the broken heart. I'm rambling again...

Updates...what has happened since my last post...MsAngel has admitted to having someone else...hence why I've been ignoring her the whole time since my return to work. Thank goodness today is her last day...no more hiding from her...no more excuses. I maybe hurt by her...but I do feel slightly relieved that she is going away...maybe I'm feeling better, now that it's all over. No more feelings of an incomplete love affair. What's in my thoughts for now is still MsDragon...to me, I guess she was the ' one that got away ' ...but then again she is committed to her one other. She has been frequently e-mailing me since leaving...almost daily in-fact, like wondering what I'm up too...if I'm alright or not...and just telling me what she's been up to or about to do...like a daily blog, but personally addressed to me. Her stories are light-hearted, and often puts a smile on my face...but in the end I'm still saddened that her heart is not mine. I have not replied any of her e-mails...don't think I will...and she knows that of me...yet she still sends me one without fail everyday. What is she trying to prove to me...a show of commitment? I don't know...but whatever it is...I hope she doesn't stop...because somewhere deep within, there's still a small part of me that really doesn't want to let her go... and that's what scares me. Why?? Because I can never trust myself to make the right choices... so don't blame me, I'm only human...

Sit back...have a listen...and enjoy....

2008-08-04T00:56:00.005+08:00

Apologies everyone... it's been a very hectic week...too many family commitments have taken up most of my precious blogging time. Life alone is bearable for now...since I'm back to the office already, and I've got so much work to catch up on, that there just isn't any time to think of my past affairs...let's just say I'll try to keep myself busy to forget my past for now...emphasis on 'try' ok??! There's so much I want to write about...so many feelings I have to vent...I hope I can put them to words...

Stay tuned... my next post shall be interesting to some...if it matters... the attached video is a song by Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat ''Lucky'' ... a song I've been a fan of, since MsDragon was the one who dedicated it to me... it just has that 'feel good vibe' going on...regardless if you're happy or not in life...it makes you forget your problems for awhile... trust me...so sit back...have a listen...and enjoy....

Regrets....

2008-07-30T02:32:00.003+08:00

Ressa Herlambang - Menyesal

" Love is what I used to write about...now I don't feel it anymore...my mistake....my regrets... "

The end...

2008-07-24T15:02:00.006+08:00

The end has come... I feel so betrayed...only misery fills my mind. I don't know how much more I can take this... Got to talk to Ms Angel, she wanted to say her final goodbyes...after some time, she broke the news to me...apparently she's been going out with another colleague of mine...it's been going on for the last year or so...shocked, I kept silent most of the time, with nothing more than a short "bye"...I hung up and switched off my phone. Maybe she could hear the pain in my voice...last I heard her say was "pleease..." then I ended the call. Sitting alone here...I'm so helpless and I can't help think how betrayed I feel. ' Lost ' is but an understatement... I thought I knew her...I thought she belonged to me...I thought she would never lie to me. She made me believe I had her...I gave her my time, my heart, yet she broke it into pieces. Lied, cheated, tricked and fooled thoughts are going through my mind with no end. This hurt will turn into hate...and her words will no longer mean anything to me. Why is it that the ones you love always end up hurting you instead??!

This feeling of betrayal leaves me unable to breath...A million words cannot describe the depth of pain I'm in...I just want to scream out till it's all gone, but whats the use??! I think to myself...why me? I think of the good times we had...and the mistakes I've made...all unforgettable memories. I'm alone again...and nothing cam take away this pain. I don't need any sympathies now...it only feeds the sadness I'm in. It's time to live my life alone...

Berpisah....

2008-07-22T17:10:00.002+08:00

Dygta feat. Nita - Berpisah....

" It's time to let go...time to let go of love that does not belong to me.... "

Lies....

2008-07-22T01:18:00.002+08:00

My life is just a lie... Do they know how it is, like when you tell people you're okay...but actually you really want to die inside ??! Many words have been spoken...most of them lies... The expression on my face, the one that all can see...it shows little of what I feel and what I'm going through...

Waking up everyday... I tell myself a lie, just to keep my hopes alive... like '' Today's going to be a better day...life will be as it used to be... and everything will be alright...?! " . When in truth... " Today's going to be worse...life will change...and nothing will ever be right! ". The pain inside me is starting to numb... another false sense of reality suffered.

Whats wrong with me ??! Why am I like this ??! How do I say what I need to say? Questions...questions in my mind...I feel so betrayed by them. Missing Ms Dragon is not good for my self esteem...Missing Ms Angel is not good for my soul... I thought I had a normal life...normal relationships...but since they're gone from my life, my world is crashing around me... Perhaps I'm the truth they'll never see...and the lie that they'll always remember...

To be....

2008-07-17T16:45:00.007+08:00

I still miss her...I'm still thinking of her...I'm still hurting because of her...Ms Dragon will be my end. Even the Ms Angel did hurt me this way, with her I was just more miserable. Is this how it feels to be with some one you can't have...or is this just a phase I have to brave myself through... Dare I use the L word ?? Am I in love with her... it's a big step, a huge commitment I suppose...

What am I feeling, is it love at all...?? The only thing I want now... is to hear her words that can steal my heart and make me forget about whatever I've known in this world... to let me hold her all day long as if time stood still...to make me feel loved when I feel hated... Yes, this is how I'm feeling now...but they'll never come true...all hope is lost. Ms Dragon is not mine to hold...

My sincerest apologies...maybe everyone is tired of reading my words... I can't help it, lost as it may sound... I've fallen and I can't recover from losing her...

Kesempatan Kedua....

2008-07-17T11:21:00.006+08:00

" Second chances.... an equal opportunity to right the wrongs before... another way to redeem yourself... a new beginning..."

Moving on....

2008-07-16T01:37:00.002+08:00

Another day...I find myself alone... Another day without hearing her voice, seeing her face... Miss Dragon is still on my mind...I can't help it, I miss her. I wonder if she's thinking of me too?? Maybe I should just let it be... maybe I should let her go from my life and walk away... I should forget about her and move on in life, without her...It's always easier said than done or forgotten in my case. I don't know...I just don't expect all the lies and pain to go away anytime soon. But it's time I pull myself together...we're both in different worlds. They say time will heal all wounds...well that's wrong! The more I wait for her...the more I realise time hurts as much as it heals...I'm silently broken inside...I hope she knows that...

My dreams show no signs of coming true...I know I've lost her...I have to move on...I just can't wait for the rest of my life... For the days that have come and gone...one thing still remains the same... I'm still alone...

Rather....

2008-07-14T14:37:00.002+08:00

What I'd rather be doing now?... I'd rather ride my bike and be a fool... than stay indoors another minute, locked up in here bored and all... I'd rather be out in the heat of the sun than spend another minute on the sofa flipping channels on TV. *sigh* A whole lot of other things I'd rather be doing than being in this condition of mine... It's about time everyone knew... I'm unwell... and I had to go away to get myself fixed, now it's recovery time... 4 weeks of recovery that is... so having minimal movement associated with pain and boredom can really be frustrating for a guy. No one knows the pain I had to go through...but it just had to be done and I blame no one but myself. Nuff said. Hence the missing posts two weeks back.

Switched on my phone this morning, received about 20 texts or so...all from Ms Dragon and Ms Angel, wondering where I am?? What's wrong with me?? I guess they too are frustrated with how I've been lately... I don't have the words to reply them...I don't know what to say at all, maybe it's better this way?? I hope they will forgive me one day. They're on mind...Ms Dragon has left...Ms Angel will be leaving...I just feel lost without them. I don't know how I will face the day when reality wakes me...when Ms Angel finally leaves my sights. I don't know what I'm looking for from them... it just isn't there?? Why do I keep all this pain inside...Why do I suffer alone...I don't know...I don't know...I have no answers....?? I just know I can't have everything I want...not now..not ever.

Love is losing it's meaning to me...it's lost it's sincerity...words are spoken, misunderstood...and unbelieved, only empty truths and complicated illusions remain. Maybe I've changed now...I'm so lost in this whole thing I'm going through... I look into the mirror...I hate what looks back... I feel worthless....

Dreams....

2008-07-11T15:37:00.007+08:00

I'm home...finally. I'm tired of living out of a bag...sleeping in a bed not mine and waking up to a strange mornings. I don't know how long I'll be back...I hope it'll be awhile before I leave again, but then...tomorrow is always a new struggle of hopes & dreams. Ms Dragon is gone...she left before I could return...before my eyes could see her for the last time...before I could tell her the way I feel about her. I have only said those words to her in my dreams...they seem so real... Why is it that in my dreams, I can feel her...touch her?? Why does she smile and look at me like in reality...?? Why does she torture me in my dreams about the things I miss about her...?? Tossing and turning...I'm dreaming with a broken heart...It's more than what I can take...It's seems she's in my thoughts and dreams every night...I can't sleep...so I stay awake and wonder.

Waking up is the hardest thing...my eyes feels as if their burning...I can never let go of her in my mind...the sound of her voice...the feeling of her hand in mind...I don't want it to be over. But dreams have to end...only to continue the next time I close my eyes... It's painful to relive the same dream every night...to let go of the person you miss most...over and over again. I hope she knows how I feel about her not being in my life anymore...I hope she understands what I did was best for the two of us...a silent goodbye holds a thousand words... Dreaming of her is torturing me...isn't once enough for her to break my heart...

Bye...bye...

2008-07-11T15:35:00.000+08:00

Say no goodbyes....

2008-07-01T15:42:00.004+08:00

Love and pain...an inseparable combination... where there is love, pain will follow. There is no escape...only surrender. I'm away again...this time on personal matters. Yes, I'm on leave from work for a month or so...finally able to tear myself away from the daily humdrums of the office. It's also the only way to get away from the two ladies, just to fade away from their lives, without any goodbyes...

I need time on my own, actually I'm going away by myself...no one else besides my family knows where I'm going...Ms Angel, Ms Dragon knows not my destination... and I plan to keep it that way. Like I said before...I just want to vanish away from their lives... I hate goodbyes... It's best I avoid the pain of them leaving when I'm around.

I wonder what will they think of me for leaving all of a sudden...or maybe they won't look for me at all??!! who knows...I just want to be away from it all. It's not easy to let go of people you love...it's not easy to see them walk out of your life. If I had to choose between the both of them, I guess it would be Ms Dragon...I don't know why only now I've made my choice, but I do know now what I want. I regret not making it earlier...I regret not telling her that I want her to be a part of my life, I'm just too proud to admit it. I'm not in the business of ruining other people's relationships, so losing her maybe the hardest thing I have to do. I can't believe that in such a short time I've known her...she showed me that happiness doesn't have to come from the heart. It can be showed in other captivating ways...ways that no one can realise...often only take for granted. I'll miss her...the way she smiles at me..the way she talks to me...and the way she cares for me. Nothing is perfect in this life...and no one can have it all, just remember that...

Fly away....

2008-06-27T01:32:00.006+08:00

I'm counting the days till Ms Dragon leaves me... I hate to think about it...but it plays in my mind, over and over again...I hate to say goodbye... I never thought I'd have these feelings for her, she made me feel loved and wanted and I'll miss her for that....

Here I am sitting all alone...missing the one I can't hold in my arms...no one to talk to about these feelings of pain...I suffer alone. I'm tired of the sadness...I'm tired of the pain. I guess I'm happier when she's around me...I'm content and complete.

For every day that I don't see her...the feelings of loneliness gets worse...life only gets better when she is in my sights...she puts a smile on this soul... Soon, she will just be a memory...I can no longer see her...touch her...say to her, words that mean so much to me...

Though I know we will never be together...she will be in my heart until never...my thoughts insist of her and they will always be there when I miss her. Even when she's not near me, her images are still there to comfort me... I don't know how long I can hold on to memories of her... I'm in denial of her leaving... Am I regretting my decision?? Another lost cause perhaps??!....or just another lost love...

Tapi bukan aku....

2008-06-25T02:00:00.003+08:00

'' You've made your choice... and I've made mine too...the future doesn't belong to us anymore...time to let go of the past and move on.....''

Home alone....

2008-06-25T00:27:00.004+08:00

It's good to be back home... I miss sleeping on my sofa... I miss the peacefulness of a dark lit room... All this traveling has somehow made me appreciate my privacy more. Many a things has happened in my absence...Ms Angel is still around, I've been told that she has delayed her posting till August with reason of teaching her new replacement the role she plays in the company. Ms Dragon will be leaving soon...she is still with her man, my sources say.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder...something that I've been reminded of recently when I found Ms Angel ringing my door bell at 3am last Sunday morning... I guess she knew I was back already. Still suffering from jet-lag...unfortunately I was still awake, she must have seen the lights on my balcony. I'm surprised by her visit...I must admit I did miss her, I think she could see right through me. Little words were said between us...it's complicated as they say. She only asked me if I ever thought of her while away, I confessed to her my guilt. She did not hesitate much...she whispered to me that she has regretted her choices in life, but the biggest regret was to leave me...I knew it was a mistake to let her in my door...it was a mistake to let her arms around me...but the biggest mistake was letting her spend the night with me. Why do I surrender myself to her so easily....??! I don't know....maybe she just knows which buttons to push??

Waking up in the morning I expected Ms Angel to just up and leave as usual...instead she was still cozyed up beside me...a sight I've dreamt of too often...a perfect morning with my woman snuggling under the covers beside me. But, coming back to reality, one has to realise that not all dreams are meant to last forever...regardless how hard you try to make it feel real...

People don't understand what it means to love someone. Love is not something you can be selfish about. It is a give and take situation. In fact, Love is not about what the person you're with is doing to make you happy, it's about what you're doing to make them happy...

More or Less....

2008-06-10T14:09:00.003+08:00

It's been a busy week and an even busy weekend.... commitments here and there... I think to myself...when will I have time on my own?? A lot has happened over the weekend... Ms Angel has been at it again... trying to find her way into my bed again...giving me false hopes. I'm trying my best to stay away...no matter how tempting a one night stand sounds...it's too much emotional baggage for me. I've been a victim of too many heartaches from her....I suppose in an act of desperation before she leaves for good, she's even tried to talk dirty to me on the phone...hoping my doors will open in eagerness...tough luck to her...my mind is in no mood for her games. Ms Dragon on the other hand has taken a different approach... during a recent lunch outing with colleagues, she managed to slip a note in my hand...asking for me to give her 5 minutes of my time and hear her out... for courtesy's sake I agreed... I could see it in her eyes...she looked tired and worn...I saw no peace inside her. Firstly, she asked how I was doing...I said I was fine and that I need my space... hence why I've been so out of reach lately... She was sorry for the other day, she was confused and left suddenly. She still wonders why I didn't stop her?? There was a long silence between us...I didn't have an answer....I just stood there...empty... She said she was going to end the relationship and that she wanted to be with me instead...if that meant a long-distance relationship, then she's ready to face it. That kinda caught off-guard...speechless more like it. What a dilemma I've got myself into...

Things happen for a reason...maybe it's just karma...more of the time it's just coincidence... Every time I give more, I'm being pushed away... Every time I give less, I keep them wanting more ??! Perhaps it's just human nature to want more of what you can't have....???

Patiently waiting....

2008-06-04T14:47:00.008+08:00

To the love I will never have...

" I think about you all the time...
I can’t get you off my mind...about wanting you to be mine...
I keep all my thoughts locked up in my head...constantly wondering, what I should have said and done...
I'll wait patiently for you...if indeed your love is ever mine..."

Distances....

2008-06-03T14:55:00.006+08:00

Back to reality...back to work after a weekend escape. No significant changes really...both Ms A & Ms D are still leaving. I left my phone at home while away...didn't want to be bothered with any texts or calls from the two of them...got home and saw a whole bunch of messages from them too. I guess they tried to come over and I wasn't home...I 'm surprised they didn't run into each other in the lift??! Anyway, I left a set of keys to my neighbour, their nice people who more than obliged to help feed my pet fish while I was away...so I didn't have to depend on anyone else. Before leaving I changed the main locks on my doors, so I guess both of them couldn't get in either...what I would have given to see the look on their faces?? I have not spoken to either since coming to work...I'd rather keep my distance for now...I think I've suffered enough...I want to be left alone.

Since then I've had the habit of coming to work much more earlier than usual...staying in and working through lunch...and leaving earlier than everyone else. I've started to lock my office door whenever I'm in...only to open when required. I have an assistant who filters out my visitors...yes, I'm going to the extreme of avoiding the ladies...however the reason of primarily of not wanting to be disturbed was my excuse of choice and it's properly justified, since I have a boatload of backed-up work behind me. I don't know how long it's gonna be like this...I know I can't hide forever...but what choice do I have??

On the way to a meeting this morning I did run into Ms Angel in the lift...I'm grateful it was packed filled with people that time, it left her no opportunity to talk to me... I saw the look on her face, obviously she's wondering where have I been and what I've been up to...looks like she has a lot of questions for me. On the other hand, I have yet seen Ms Dragon...I feel she is also trying to keep her distance from me...maybe. I haven't answered their e-mails or calls... I don't know whats my next move...should I continue to avoid them or should I just surrender myself to them...maybe prevention is better than cure....help me decide..??

By myself...

2008-06-02T14:15:00.003+08:00

Went away for the long weekend...needed time by myself...away from everything in my life. Trying to find a cure for this heart...still unlucky in love. I am alone, unfeeling, and trapped in depression... I am no longer the person they thought I am...I am no longer the person they thought they knew...there is no more love in these veins. I've been through so much, I'm suprised they don't see my pain. Stuck here in my own little world, I can be my true self...I don't have to hide myself from anyone.... No one will ever know the stress and pain in my life, no one will ever hear me complain... silence is my only friend. With feelings of abandonment, only words of anger come to voice...it's torture in my mind.

As I spend my life alone, my smile is full of bitterness...perhaps a shattered smile is more like it....this is what they have left me with...a broken heart full of misery... I don't like what I've become...I used to be strong, but all that is gone, I end up hiding away all my frustrations...laughing, when in truth I want to cry...everything about me is changing..inside and out...I'm not in control anymore, my soul is slowly fading away...now my trust is to no one but myself...

This is the pain I feel inside...this is the pain that surrounds my heart...does no one else feel it....??

Cinta Sendiri....

2008-05-26T22:49:00.002+08:00

This is how I feel....

Again....

2008-05-26T14:02:00.004+08:00

I have to face reality that love will always never be mine...I've asked myself this a million times on...why do I make the wrong choices in life?? Why do I constantly put myself in misery's path?? Maybe a meaningless life of misery is the only life meant for me?? What happened to the love that I believed I knew?? I thought my heart would be safe with her...I thought I knew her by now... I suppose life is only hard as you make it..... I'm rambling again....

Ms Dragon came to my flat unexpectedly the other day wanting to make amends...I guess I didn't have much of a choice...I didn't say much...I just wanted to hear what she had to say for herself, whether it was worth letting her in the door. I told her of the conflicting feelings in my heart...about how unsure I see things in life now. Then it happened...the conversation turned meaningless when she said she way leaving. Ms Dragon had decided to move back to Melbourne with the boyfriend...she thought it would be the best choice to save what's left of the relationship, that is...until she met me... She regrets her choice now, but plans have been made by both their families to start them off a new life there. Disappointment sinks deeper in my mind...If her heart won't willingly be mine, then there's no sense in forcing love. What's the point??!! I stayed silent...my mind knows not what to do...she left after that, maybe she felt lost too...

It seems everyone is moving on with their lives...but why not me?? Am I not the person anyone wants to be with in their life? Is it that hard for me to accept changes? I'm at a loss...I'm worn out...I'm dead inside...

Dragons....

2008-05-22T14:00:00.005+08:00

Another day surrounded by worries and fears... It plagues me till the point where my mind hurts... my thoughts are numb. Ms Dragon has confronted me of why have I been avoiding her for the past few days, she managed to slip in and wait in my office while I was out in a meeting. I didn't say much at first, I guess I'm not the the mood to start anything with her...needless to say in the end, she kinda demanded I answer her questions...with a blank look I just blurted out everything...like how I saw her with someone else that day, to think that I was thinking of committing myself to her and how betrayed I felt by her actions. From the stunned look on her face, I must have struck a few nerves...she just sat there...quiet and shocked by my revelations. I told her, it's not my place to say...it's her life after all...no commitments between us...but then who's leading who on here??

After a long silence...she confessed, the guy she was out with was in fact her boyfriend of a few years now...but she's seems to think that the relationship has hit a point where both of them have lost interest in each other. She's been trying to find the opportunity to end it all...I interrupted by saying that from the looks of what I saw, it didn't look that way at all? She snapped back by saying that they were only keeping up appearances to friends since they were out in a group that day. I just kept silent after that I'm just too confused and full of spite...like I said...I was not in the mood at all. Ms Dragon asked if she could come over after work and so we could just talk about it. I told her that I'll think about it, since I'm not in the right state of mind for anything at the moment...she left after that...no words...no goodbyes.

Dear faithful readers, just to clear things up...it's not the matter of me choosing who...Ms A or Ms D.... it's how they've managed to hurt me. I care deeply for them both...though I have come to terms of letting Ms A go...I still can't forget her. As for Ms D, she has managed to steal my heart...I'm smitten by her, but still I dare make no commitments to her...

Leave me alone....

2008-05-21T01:30:00.009+08:00

'' I want to be alone for now... I need time on my own... I'd rather suffer from loneliness than regret any pain from hurt... I feel no love in my heart, only pain and doubts... My mind is filled with empty thoughts, what can I do to free myself from this nightmare...??!! ''

But it's over now...

2008-05-21T01:07:00.002+08:00

'' For anyone and everyone who's ever been hurt..... ''

Unexpected....

2008-05-20T14:14:00.004+08:00

There are a lot of things on my mind... I'm more than confused at the moment...much more in pain than ever...I feel so betrayed... I am hating the truth for now. Am I not supposed to have the things I want in life?? Things have never gone my way, regardless how much I try to make it...everything usually ends up so twisted... It all started during the weekend, I choose to clear my thoughts by going for a ride on my bike around town...it's amazing how much an adrenaline rush can temporarily make you forget about all your problems. I cancelled what ever appointments I had...I needed to spend time on my own...no Ms Angel... no Ms Dragon to think about. All was well, until I reached the Mall...queueing up during the jam, I couldn't help but notice this couple walking past me crossing the busy road....hand in hand...all smiles and laughter...so much in love, everything a couple should be. Taking a second long look... it was Ms Dragon!! I couldn't believe it...I didn't want to believe it...I just couldn't accept it!! All this time...could this be the secret she's been keeping from me? I guess with my helmet on, she didn't recognise me...I don't think she knows about me having a motorcycle at all. My mind instantly went blank... first Ms Angel... now her?! My mind wanders...what am I to her... another scandal in her life perhaps or maybe I'm just cheap thrill in her books. I've gone through so much betrayal in this life...I'm fed up with it all... my perceptions have changed... I've lost interest in life and love...

That was two days ago... I'm still speechless about it, nothing much to think about...the damage is done. I haven't seen or spoken to Ms Dragon lately...only replying her texts briefly, saying I'm just busy with work and purposely locking my office door... I don't want to confront her just yet. I know she is not mine or I am hers...but she's managed to hurt me...betray me...unexpectedly. Another unforgivable mistake I've gotten myself into... I want to be alone for now... I choose to give up on love & happiness for now.... maybe some people are just meant to be alone.....

Broken...

2008-05-16T01:18:00.004+08:00

Things are still the same between Ms Angel and myself... I 'm still a stranger in her eyes...I'm still being ignored by her...I'm suffering from pain like a wound that won't heal... I have no control over my feelings anymore and don't know why I let her get away with hurting me like this... No answers for now, I can't think of any... I'm totally empty inside, maybe I'm just too foolish and naive...that's it...loving someone you can't have so much will do that to you...then it's usually followed by pain, disappointment, misery and regret. I have no more tears for her...things will never be the same...

Left work early today...told Ms Dragon that I'm not feeling well, I didn't want her to worry about me...I just needed some time alone to clear my mind from all these emotions trapped inside. That was nine hours ago...I still feel vulnerable now...insecurity has taken over and my self-esteem is non-existent...soon depression will leave it's mark on me.

Ms Dragon just sent me a text, saying she's coming over to see how I am... I'm thankful she's coming over, I could use the company...the lonely silence is deafening. Perhaps she is the remedy to my pain...maybe?? But for now I'll settle for a distraction...something to keep my mind away from thoughts of Ms Angel...

Last night....

2008-05-14T02:08:00.004+08:00

I don't know what to think now....I think Ms Angel knew that I wasn't alone last night. I guess she waited till Ms Dragon left my flat late last night. I never would have expected something like this to happen...I'm confused as ever....

I was already in bed asleep....only to be woken up by Ms Angel by my side...I don't know how long she's been there...I'm surprised, I thought I was dreaming ?? She crawled under the covers and put her arms around me...she held me tight and hushed my words...all I could hear from her was...''sorry...'' . I'm still confused of why she's with me...thinking back I know she has a spare key...but she's never used it till last night. I choose not to say much after that....It felt so right to have her by my side...I was at peace with misery...I guess both of us must have fell asleep, because I don't remember anything else after that....

Morning came...Ms Angel was gone already before I was up. I'm still confused why she came over...what did it mean?? I know it wasn't a dream at all...she left the key I gave her on my table...Is this her way of saying goodbye to me...Is it really over between us now....?

Disappointment....

2008-05-12T23:53:00.004+08:00

My heart is filled with disappointment, but then..what else is new in my life?? I came back today feeling a little anxious...maybe even a little excited...I don't know...maybe I was a little happy too. Ms Angel texted me just before boarding the plane home, she said she can't wait to see me back. It made me smile for a while...I felt peaceful...

My joy turns to pain & confusion once I'm in the office...she doesn't even look at me or even notices my presence, as if I were a shadow. I'm confused...I'm annoyed with myself... why do I get myself into these situations...?? My world doesn't revolve around her anymore...but why do I keep falling into her trap ?? I'm disappointed with grief... I hate this...it's ruined my day, I want to be alone with my misery...

Coming home to my flat, I'm surprised to be greeted by Ms Dragon...I forgot, I gave her a key so she could feed my fish...just in case I had to extend my trip. She could tell that I'm unhappy... I tried not to show it by shrugging it off to fatigue...I made sure it wasn't because of her. I don't want to break her heart by telling her Ms Angel did this to me...I'm not a heart breaker and her heart is not mine to break either... I'm filled with guilt again...I want to feel for her the same way I feel for Ms Angel, I know that's not going to happen...my heart won't let me be that way....

Silent thoughts...

2008-05-07T01:11:00.004+08:00

Depression, it's another state of my misery...no one is immune to it...everyone suffers from it. Be prepared to lose hope by it...there is no cure, only bad memories remain. Ms Angel hasn't spoken a word to me yet...I don't think she intends to...I'm a stranger in her life now. All day long, my mind is filled with thoughts of her...it angers me. I'm trying to keep myself busy with work and think positively...I need to keep her out of my mind...I need to be at peace with myself.

Thoughts of 'us' constantly fill my mind...it haunts me in my dreams when I'm asleep. No one has ever made me feel pain this way...I wonder why do I feel so much for her?? Then again...I'll regret thinking about it too, the answer might hurt me more...

I'm missing all the moments she filled in my life...I miss the moments she was there by my side...I miss the time we shared and lost together...I miss the feeling of holding her hand with mine.
If only I had one wish...apart from the obvious, I would wish for a way to stop missing her and thinking about her so much... Maybe patience is the only remedy for now...maybe...

The song...

2008-05-05T23:49:00.004+08:00

" Tentang Kita " is a song by Anggun and sung by Julian Cely & Terry.... sums up what I've been going through all this time...J'aime cette chanson....
.

Should I ...

2008-05-05T14:28:00.005+08:00

Woke up this morning hating myself for becoming the person I am now...a slave to Ms Angel... a slave to misery. I've tried to ignore these feelings for too long...I'm tired of it, but no matter how hard I try to forget it, pain finds itself to me with such ease. Ms Angel is back...I received a text from her last night, I didn't reply her at all... I didn't know what to say anyway...I'm such a mess?? Should I be happy or grateful of her return, even though if only for a short time?? It's hard enough to cope with, when she's not around...but then again, it's harder to cope with when she is around too...how hard can life get?? However, I do feel a slight joy that she's back too, not because I miss her...but because I'm surprised that she looks well and rested, that she's been taking care of herself. How I wish I was the one looking after her instead...if her love were mine....but maybe not in this lifetime anyway. Nothing is perfect in this world right??....and you can't always have everything you want.

As I'm writing this, I just saw Ms Angel passing by my office...not even a turn to say 'hello'..not even a glimpse from her...she must be ticked off by my ignorance, I think. I don't know whats my next move...should I just leave it be for her to end up hating me or should I respond to her and suffer a dilemma of misery and confusion?? I don't know....confusion clouds my judgement...my mind is numb for the moment.

People often say that misery loves company...to what extent of interpretation...I'm unsure myself, of the permanent truth to this. I do know that lately Ms Dragon has been going out of her way to keep me out of my misery...she seems to care so much about me...but yet, why don't I feel the same way about her?? I feel guilty for leading her on...not that I am purposely...but I know it'll end up like that. She's a good soul with a big heart and has the patience of an angel...I'm scared I'll lose her too...one day. I know she'll never be what Ms Angel was to me, though my mind wishes this was otherwise... I can't trust myself when I'm alone with her...I'm sure to regret it...if anything unexpected were to happen unintentionally between us....

New day....

2008-04-29T23:46:00.004+08:00

Everyday is a new beginning... true as it may sound...sometimes I feel like my life is being recycled...same feelings different day??

Today, Ms Dragon seemed a bit more happier than usual...more smiles and more cheerful winks...I got an e-mail from her, thanking me for such a wonderful time she had and that we should do something together soon. She did her occasional rounds to my office, it felt great to be the center of attention for someone again, but I do wish it came from Ms Angel instead... I still miss her badly. It's not that I'm ungrateful...I just don't feel for Ms D the same way I do for Ms Angel...at least not at the moment that is...maybe I'm still on the rebound. Maybe it's just my destiny to love somebody and not be loved in return. It doesn't matter to me anymore if she's not mine, as long as she's happy in her new life... I've kept all these feelings trapped deep inside me for too long, I'm just waiting for the day till she decides to open her heart to me...but I know that day will never come. I wonder when will happiness be mine again...

I've tried to make sense of it all till I can't comprehend the meaning of this pain inside me anymore...even when it's already over between us. Every night...in my sleep, I still dream of our times together...of us together...I feel so much joy, which suddenly turns to pain when I wake to realise it's not true...why did she have to leave me this way...??