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Life in 2016 Pt.2

Another night of sitting here alone..the silence is bearable for now, a thousand thoughts racing through my mind, wondering...of how to make some sense of the moment?! Literally I've been staring blankly at the window all day, stayed indoors because the world didn't look friendly today. Perhaps I'll try to step outside tomorrow, maybe tomorrow would be more inviting than today..

Why have I started writing again, you may wonder? I do admit that my absence has been for quite sometime, my regrets have always been present but this has always and only been my way of expressing my pain, my hurt and disappointments.. In reality I'm a calm person, whatever pain,hurt & disappointments I may have gets locked up inside..only comforted by my patience. But sometimes patience has its limits and all these feelings just weigh a heavy burden on the soul..Writing is the only way I know to let go before insanity finds its way. You see, after leaving my past, my thoughts on life were simple, look after myself & my family, never loose my faith in the Allah SWT, and improve my quality of life. However, it didn't seem simple as that, 'Life' always has a way of screwing up the picture in your head of how  its supposed to be.. Well I mean, after about a year of leading my so-called single life of new  beginnings and new adventures, I wasn't looking to commit or get into any relationships of sorts..I was content with life, made new friends, tried new things and picked up new skills.. I was happy for once, carefree and loving it.. Sometimes the loneliness would set it, but it was something that i could tolerate, I had my family pull me through those moments instead, and would spend as much time with them to distract those feelings aside. Little did I know that around the corner , life was waiting for me with another surprise.. 

It was 2 years ago that I met her, while on my routine morning run..We would cross each others path on our routes and exchange glances at first..then smiles, when it got more frequent. I admired her efforts and how she just flawlessly got herself to get up so early and run the distance. Often we would 'run in' to each other at the parking lot after each exhaustive run and just sit beside our cars to catch our breaths. We never got to talking..just little friendly gestures to keep each other motivated. As I was in and out of state, for work, I looked forward to each time I was home and used every opportunity I had to fit in a run, hoping to see her again. This happened for a couple of months..and with each 'run in', as we passed each other , it seemed that intentions were mutual. Progressing from a smile to a wave, then the faint 'hello' of tired lips.. Each time I was away, all I could think of..was her, my curiosity about this mystery girl got the best of me. How was it that I was starting to miss meeting this stranger? I thought hard and kept reminding myself that it was just one-sided, that it was just me and my loneliness talking there. Eventually, when I returned home, on my usual route, hoping to have a 'run in' with her, I kept telling myself that I would have the courage to at least talk to her once, you know make the first step and all. Luckily our paths crossed that day, in the way that both of us finished our runs about the same time. I guess she wasn't that tired that day because when she saw me, her face lit up and there was that smile again..as if she saw an old friend. The feeling was mutual on my end and without thinking, walked up to her and asked her " how was your run today?" and only responded by her abrupt " where have you been ?". We ended up with awkward smiles and giggles at that point. With all sweats and smiles, we sat on the tarmac, talking to each other as if we'd known each other for sometime..It felt good to finally meet her in person that day, a memory that I shall always remember...

One Last Cry - Brian McKnight cover by Afgan

Life in 2016 Pt.1

Time is free, but its priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it, you can never get it back. Its been sometime again, I mean since my last post back in August 2013. And I find it rather uncanny that I'm writing this in 'August' 2016 as well..3 years on . ~WTH?! Anyway, I'm sure whoever reads this or wonders the 'where-what-why & how' of what has happened in the last 3 years of my absence from this blog, well life happened and of course work happened..alot! 

Where have I been keeping myself all this time? Well I've been around, Most of Asia and the UK mainly. Work commitments have kept me occupied hoping across the continents, however I have managed to settle down to a 'home' in the Abode of Peace in between my travels. My own home, built after the last episode in my previous life. Its not a big luxury mansion, but its comfortable, a place I can call my own..my sanctuary, my prison, my escape, my retreat from the outside world.

What have I been up to? Now..That's a tough one, where should I start with this..?? After moving on in 2013, Life was good as it could be, living the single life again and having not to worry about anyone else but one self. I committed myself to my work and alhamdullilah, a blessing in disguise, I got promoted to a post I wouldn't have dream of getting..though it did require more responsibility and err..sacrifices?! I was determined to work hard to earn my keep, the added income would suffice my financial commitment at that time when I was building my home. I'm proud to say now that I've built my own home with my hard work and didn't end up having a financial burden. I may not have much saved, but having your own home, your own roof over your head without the worries of it being repossessed by the bank is something that make me sleep soundly at night. I'm sure some people can relate to this right? Ok, between work and construction of home, I discovered my love or rather my distraction..I started exercising to keep in shape, and I mean really in shape by running marathons, cross fit, martial arts, day & night gym sessions, trail runs and clean eating. To sum it up, I did whatever it was to break a sweat. I felt better, more healthy and my sanity was in check. I found an outlet for the pressures of my life, wish I could have found it earlier..it would have helped in the past. And the by-product of that you may wonder? I lost heaps of weight and probably help rewind my age a couple of years. You see, after the divorce settled, I opted to stay out of the social media..meaning no selfies or photos of yours truly posted on Facebook, Instagram etc..I guess because at that time, being a divorcee I was embarrassed at the disappointment I was to other family members, you know, I mean Aunts/Uncles/Cousins etc.. bcos coming from a traditional family, elders always compare themselves with the younger generation on how marriage is an institution and not something that you would throw away so easily by getting a divorce. They kept saying it was the easy way out, and it should have been 'fixable' . Out of respect for my elders for being too opinionated , I just choose to stay away from the limelight, didn't go to any family gatherings or weddings and even skipped town for Hari Raya itself too. Work commitments abroad was  often an excuse I used religiously at that time, in fact with a high success rate. Through it all , I'm thankful and blessed to have parents and siblings whom understood and defended my actions. Family always has your back! regardless.. ~Back to what I was saying.. fast forward a year, other family members didn't even recognise me out in the open. I felt invisible almost, Walked past an aunt and uncle at the supermarket and they didn't even look twice or notice me beside them at the cashier?! Safe to say, and it being unintentional, I changed physically to a point where I didn't even look like my previous self. Impressed? Yes I was!! It was an accomplishment indeed. A natural camouflage you might say?! I dunno, I just enjoyed the moment..

Should I continue? Perhaps in my next post, its not easy to sum up one's life in the past 3 years, good and bad things have happened and writing about it brings back the unwanted memories you may say. Anyway, I shall leave you with this for now.. " When you're happy you enjoy the music, When you're sad you understand the lyrics.."

Love does not hurt

" Everyone says Love hurts. But this is not true, Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these feelings confused with Love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. "

It's been a long long time since I posted anything here, truth is there's too many bad memories written.. I was hesitant on even using this blog again...but then again, what good is an unfinished book? Life goes on right, despite all the painful memories... Yes life does goes on. Fast forward till today 2013, times have changed, life has changed and people around me have changed. 

I've moved on since 2011, it was a painful journey and something that I wouldn't want to go through again... Let me repeat that..No one should ever have to go through what I went through!! Anyway, 2012...not a good year at all... My divorce was final, after all the counselling and quiet talks we had. Little much it did too improve us, I guess it was the only civilised thing to do... I have no regrets at all and at least, my consiencence is clear and my doubts laid to rest... I'm still recovering from it though i've moved on...sometimes it's easier said than done, this 'moving on' thing?! 

Picking up the pieces of a broken life hasn't been easy, but it keeps the mind busy and the heart content. I've kept myself commited to work and embraced new found passions. In the midst of building my own house as I've sold off my apartment, too many memories there... New environment required. I made up my mind to leave all the emotional luggage there...start over, new life, new goals and a better appreciation of the single life again. Lonely as it may seem...I have to be patient now. Allah SWT has a plan for everyone, we might not know why, what or when? I guess these questions would be answered in time. Allah SWT has a purpose for the pain, a reason for the struggles and a reward for the faithfulness...

One Last Cry...

You say...

by Elliott Yamin