Smile....

Today was maybe one of my good days... although work was chaotic as usual. Even while driving to the office, I dreaded another day of her ignoring me. I usually retreat from these feelings by listening to the tunes on my ipod while giving 200% attention to the work at hand. This 'shut out the whole world' method works for me by the way.

Anyway, then she walked in...like every other morning before, I would get the same cold, cold stare, the still unemotional frown coupled with a fast and tight lipped "gud morning!!" To which my usual reply would just be a gentle nod or a faint smile.

" However, something looked different?! She looked different?! I felt different?! "

I couldn't help it, I couldn't take my eyes of her!!... Maybe it was how she was dressed... maybe?? Whatever it was... She was HOT!! and I think she felt that off me. Jaws dropped and eyes fixed... yes! she brought out the big guns!! I realised she had on, an exact outfit I described to her sometime, maybe awhile back... something that I thought she would look gorgeous in, but also thought that she would never consider wearing. My bad...

All these thoughts of regret came flowing back at me... It made me remember how much I miss her. A better part of me was holding me back, constantly saying " ignore her...ignore her... it's not worth the grief... ". The foolish part of me decided to send her an e-mail, complimenting her on how gorgeous she looked, together with some small talk to get the ball rolling between us again. I must have wrote something like...

" I think you know how I feel about what you're wearing... me likes.. You look absolutely gorgeous today!"

Usually, after a few minutes, I would be blessed with an eager reply from her, yes e-mail for me at the office is more of a chat program for me... an abuse of resources.. I know... but who cares anyway. Minutes passed, then hours... after lunch... no reply from her. I was kinda disappointed, thinking to myself of how much she must really hate me... I made a fool of myself again..let my guard down... I'm ashamed... Somebody shoot me please?!

At least all was not in vain. I noticed that after the e-mail, I could see some smiles on her, I could hear some laughter from her...I could feel she was happy, a few things that I missed about her too. I must have made her day with my remark and strangely It somehow made my day too... even if my e-mail was not replied.... but still, It did make my day... :)

I....

I've noticed that each time I step into the same room with her, her face goes all moody like... I sense so much hate in her eyes when she see's me. I shiver with every chilling glance by her. These must be the repocussions I had dreaded all this time.

" Things used to be fine between us, but never now..... "

I know my mistake in the past has led her to so much pain, distrust and hatred towards me. I know it's not easy to be me. For all the pain & anger she has suffered, I knew about it, I've regretted it. I didn't do anything about, I'm stubborn,foolish and stupid.

I know things will never be same between us again..never..ever... I miss our times together...cute gestures...the feelings.... the teasing....and most of all her smile each time she looks at me. Thats all gone now, just a memory waiting to be forgotten in time.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time, make right of what was wrong, change her frown to a smile... I wish I could, I wish I would.....

Say What...

Today is another humdrum of a Saturday... i didn't have anything planned really... usual,slept really late like 4am ish... wake up by noon.. chill out in front of the tube, that sorta thing. 9am my phone rings..Got a call from a buddy telling me one of our officemate's mum just passed away...(shocked!). I gathered myself, crawled to the shower...all these thoughts started pouring into my mind...I mean..losing someone is bad enough...but losing your own mum....utterly devastating! I have known for some time that my friends mum was diagnosed with cancer and that she was undergoing treatment locally & abroad. I suppose some things are not meant to be??!

Even on the way to his place for the funeral, I couldn't stop thinking about it...so much loss suffered by so many at a time.

I'm living away from my parents now and enjoying the single life, I've come to realise how much I miss them..especially my mom. She's my mother,my best friend and at times can also be my worst enemy. Sometimes due to my uber busy work schedule, I tend not to spend much time with them. From now on, I'll make time to spend with them, be it if only for a few minutes a day. Point is, our parents have worked so hard and sacrificed so much for us while we were growing up. They have raised us to their best intentions, sheltered us from all harm, fed us till obesity and of course fend to our ever increasing needs & wants, and I'm really, really, really, really grateful to them for that!! so sacrificing a fraction of our time is only but minimal gratitude we can repay or remember them with. So, if anyone is actually reading this, please don't take your parents for granted...they won't be around forever you now...

'' To my mummy, Thank you for everything... I love you forever..... ''

Today is the Day....

Today's the day I laughed & cried.... Today's the day I run & hide.....Today's the day i lived & died.....

I'm not sure what to think now, I finally faced truth in the eye and thought hard of giving up on this relationship. It's just not worth the amount of grief I have suffered all this time. Well like the saying goes " If you have to love somebody, love them deeply & passionately, when getting hurt by them only means that you have lived life completely...... apakaan??"

I have consistently reminded myself of the after-effects of this relationship, something I was very ignorant about...till recently....*sigh* anguish?? No matter, I've always been a survivor of disastrous relationships. Compared to my past...this is feels like a stroll in the park. I mean, I did catch my past love, sleeping with my best buddy on valentines day!? Yes, I always seem to be the other half who walks away with the wounds & scars, although in no way am I a coward. I'd rather just live to love another day...as they say...

All this time, I felt that I was loving myself because, lets face it.. ' How can You love a shadow?
I've been blind, I am the fool.... I regret...I hate.....I learned the hard way...again...unfortunately...

All my life...

Thinking back to my past, one can never be sure on how one's life can turn out... I mean during my younger days I used to tell myself..." yeah...someway...somehow, I'll make my first million when I'm 21....". Yes, an impossible goal, but at least I had a goal?!

That goal seemed dissolve when I passed age 22...oh well.... All i wanted now was to be successful in life, get hitched to my school sweetheart and travel the world... Again, another dissapointment for me.. *sigh* I was jobless, my sweetheart left me for my best buddy and yeah..jobless..no money no travels...

Aged 24 then, I promised myself that I'll do better.... i finally got a good job, met a nice girl and yeah..got some travelling done too. I was content, for now...but there was always room for more. More is always good , by my standards?! kiasu..i know...

Time fly's but cannot fade, the memories once made......I'm living my life by wire each day, I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow, but whatever it is i'll get through it...maybe?!