Missing you ...

It's not easy for me to accept this separation between us...my first night away from her...I'm sleeping alone. Why is this happenning to me...why?? Don't leave me this way...don't let me be all alone like this...don't keep me hanging on to an empty piece of hope...

The reality of her rejection is killing me everytime it plays in my mind...over and over again...I'm dying inside, beyond emotional repair. why does it have to end like this...?? The peace that I had, ended the day she told me she wasn't happy with me...where has the love between us gone...?? We were so good together...

My days used to be filled with colours...now it's filled with darkness and lost hope. Being away from her is not easy for me...thoughts of her are constantly in this heart...joy has turned to sadness...life only has meaning to me when she's part of it. Thinking of all that we've been through...doesn't it mean anything to her...?? Never in my dreams did I foresee this coming...our life together faded into a memory...True love was a gift we took for granted. I cannot live without her by my side...she will forever be my love...I miss her badly...

I don't know....

My eyes hurt...my heart is in pain...my mind is numb...I don't know how long this heart can stand the pain of her ignorance. Trying to talk things out between us only leads to more tears and frustration. I don't know what else I can do to make her happy...I don't know what else can be said to make things right. I am lost...I feel worthless and useless as a husband. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership...I feel so alone.

Time heals all wounds...that is what is asked for...until when? I do not know... With each passing moment, not a second goes by that I do not think of her. It is with a heavy heart that I have choosen to move out from our place and move back to my family. It seems she is far more happier on her own... I don't know how for how long... I don't know how long I can live without her in my life. But if this is the only way to save a marriage...I have to live with it for now.

As I sit here...thinking of all that is going on...thinking of what I could have done to prevent all this. I am living in regret for all my wrongs. All the sorry's in the world cannot begin to forgive my wrongs...but I want to work things out between us...I want to move on with us...

Hope...

It's been a while...a long long while...times have changed and I've moved on in my life...I told myself once happiness is mine, there would not be a need to post my pain...no more tantrums to rant...no more pain to taste...but I was wrong.

Circumstances have changed in my life for the better, I found that special certain someone in my life that makes me smile to no end. I've commited and devoted my life to her...I've made a promise to ALLAH to look after her and protect her from all harm. Yes...I have finally found my soulmate...my best friend, my better other half...my wife.

Happiness should last forever...but once the honeymoon is over...reality takes over, it is not a friend of mine. Flash forward...I'm saddened by the fact that she does not care about me anymore...I've missed her hugs and the way her hand holds mine...I miss that look of love every morning I awake. I am invisible to her now...I am sorrowed everytime she turns away from me...I am in pain when she ignores my touch. My words are silent in her mind...I do not exist around her. Should a devoted and loyal husband deserve to feel this way?! Please understand...I have done no harm or no cause for the hatred and emptiness in her eyes. My questions to her have a silent reply...my heart cries in pain...my eyes...painful, trying to hold back the tears. I tell myself to be strong, hoping the next day will be a better day for 'us'. My prayers ask for nothing of but our happiness, but with each passing day the distance between us widens till no end. I don't know how long can I live this way...my heart can no longer tolerate the agony of pain. Hope is not by my side...

Jujur...

Why?

My 1st post for 2010...

I'm still awake...still lying here aimlessly wondering of what's going on in my life , staring up at the darkness above with an annoying knacker of wind outside my window. Life here is absolutely grey and cold. I don't see myself moving back here...I don't see myself going back either. I'm homesick & frustrated at the same time...I wanna go home to my loved ones...home, where I really belong. Sadly, that's not one of the options for me now. Being here is more of a curse rather than a blessing...

Eyes...eyes...why won't you sleep?! It seems my body has lost control...my tantrums have taken over again...

Burn & Soul - Bidadari

I am Me....

Hey everyone...it's been awhile...I deeply apologise for such a dissapearence...life has been taking me hostage for sometime...my thoughts are non-existent at all. You maybe wondering what I've been up to lately for the past couple of months and no I didn't abandon my blog...abscond would be a better word for it, hopefully I'm here to stay for now on. For those who may not know, I have been away for sometime, work commitments have chopped, screwed and spat-out what ever life I may have called my own...then, hence laziness sets in, though the body may be healthy, but the mind remains too de-moralized to blog...

As for Love in my life...it's still a big void...nothing filled except for caution & spite...an assuring combination followed by darkness and uncertainty...dramatically, it may sound disturbing to some...honestly, ...well being alone makes the mind conjure up weird...be it uncanny thoughts. I 've put love on hold for now, I feel that I kinda don't wanna get mixed up in it...life seems too complexed as it is...and the thought of romance has some how lost it's prized meaning to me...however I'm not resenting it at all...just taking a back seat from all the action I suppose. Please note that this is not an attempt to forget love at all...it's just my way of shelving it for future reference, a comical but technical term used by a close friend. I've been too unlucky for too long...it's best that I take a break and start to appreciate what I already have...a loving family and the company of genuine friends. A tough decision it may seem, but one that is much required from within. I even ' accidentally ' ran into my first love the other day...I was surprised at myself...rather more proud to say the least that I didn't even get any flashbacks this time...no more reminders of past pain...I must have gotten over it...or then again maybe I'm just heartless now...who knows?!?

By the way, I'd like to wish everyone a " Selamat Hari Raya Aidilifitri...mohon maaf lahir & batin.. ". I hope everyone had a meaningful raya as I did this year... At least this year I got to be with my family during Ramadhan and Syawal...something that I'll cherish and always feel blessed and thankful for. Ramadhan has always been a calming time for me, life feels a bit more balanced...during the day I would be engrossed with work, keeping myself busy and all...by night I'd look forward to performing the tarawih prayers...it was very soothing to the mind & soul...I felt safe from harm and difficulties. Insyallah, I shall meet Ramadhan again next year...Amin. However, Syawal seemed more quieter this year...most of the time was spent with close family...I didn't even get to visit any friends this year...dunno why...like I said it just seemed quieter this year...