Choices....

An interesting turn of events today and not just because it's valentine's day. Got to the office today,expecting the same routine but unexpectedly got a shock instead... It's a wake up call to my system and I don't think I'll ever get over it...

The director walked into my office this morning for to sort out some issues and then decided that there should be some collaboration of minds to help solve a problem. Fast forward to 10am and a meeting was called. I was emailed the details and had to prepare some info for the meeting... so being caught up in my work I failed to notice what Ms Angel was up to... not that I cared, but it was always safe to know where she was so we wouldn't run into each other as not to complicate an awkward moment. Well, just my luck... the director paired me up with Ms Angel to handle some issues of the problem faced. How awkward is that?? How do I get myself out of this I thought?? No room for excuses here... orders are orders... and any apprehension is unacceptable. The meeting was soon over and Ms Angel suggested we work in her office since the majority of the files were with her. I just gave her a gentle nod but did not obligate myself to saying anything to her, I didn't want to break the silence. I didn't even want to look at her... I had to stand my ground and stick to my guns... I was starting to feel hopeless again.

After much hesitation and with a head full of conflicting thoughts, I finally got to drag myself to Ms Angel's office. I could see that she was uneasy about it, but I do commend her for trying her best to keep me comfortable around her. I just sat there... silently, reading through the files while only using nods and slight gestures to keep words between us at a minimum... but from the corner of my eye I could see her sitting beside me... staring at me as if she wanted to say something, waiting for that right moment. It was so hard for me not to look at her... I wanted so much to look at her, tell her that I miss her so much... There was so much I wanted to say to her... It just kills me to know that I can't and wouldn't. We were close but yet so far from one another... If only I was a mindreader, I wish. I guess the stress finally got to her... she grabbed my hand from beneath her desk and kinda said something like " why are you like this to me ??" I looked at her with so much emptiness, my lips felt as if they were glued shut... I just told her to get over me, forget me... forget about us. It's over... then I just walked away... I said all that with a heavy heart... I wonder if I did the right thing?? Will I regret it?? I'm confused and lost... I'm starting to hate myself now.

Today is Valentine's Day... since we've known each other, I would send her flowers ever year... except for today. I know I've hurt her feelings with my decision... I didn't mean to be cruel to her... I'm weak... I'm stubborn... I'm hurt...

Waiting...

I sense that she is losing her patience with me... I feel that the sorrow for her has settled in... I can see it in her eyes, the way she stares at me. I know she's trying hard not to show her loss, but I know her too well. She's trying to grab my attention with every move she makes, she wants me to go to her... I can feel it with every pounding heartbeat.

Last night, while on the treadmill, I started to think about the good times we shared... the good moments I mean. I'm doing my best not to wander back into her arms... maybe it's just my way of letting go... but slowly. I wondered to myself if ever she was really mine to begin with?? I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that now... I don't think I can handle the truth anyway, too painful. I've ever promised myself if ever I met the right person that she would be the only one love in my heart and I would promise her that I'd take care of her till the end of my days. It may seem naive and unrealistic to some, but I'm an old fashioned romantic... and it doesn't take so much for a woman to convince me... so there. I'm just thankful I never made those promises yet... maybe it's just not meant to be for now... maybe it's just not my time...

Drifting away....

Actually, I don't know what I should write about today... status quo still the same... Ms Angel still seems not bothered, but maybe I did ruffle some feathers... she seems a bit disturbed today, maybe a little upset...I don't know... I want to change... I still want to forget her. She did text me last night because I wouldn't return her calls... I'm not bothered... I don't care anymore... I just told her to leave me alone... I hope she respects my decision.

Nothing...

Every step I took today felt heavier and heavier while walking to my office. I wasn't looking forward to seeing Ms Angel at work today. I can see her across the office, sitting there as if life were normal as usual. I can see she doesn't seem phased by what has happened, maybe she doesn't even care really...?? But underneath that tough cold exterior I hope she is suffering the sorrow I am feeling. She hasn't said a word to me yet... She just sits there in silent nature, cool, calm and collected. I have not spoken to her, nor have I looked at her... I want to be strong to turn away. I want to be strong to forget her... I hope I can get thru today....

Healing wounds....

My love for her held no boundaries... My love for her was faithful and true... My love for her held no lies or deceit. I loved her with the sincerity of my heart, without conviction of our differences in race and religion. I've never questioned her love for me, my mistake for being too trusting, instead only knowing that I felt more and more secure with each passing smile and look she gave me everyday. Only now I realise that what ever I have felt from her was only a show of amusement in her eyes. All her promises, all the lies... I've heard them all... I must be the biggest fool to have loved someone like her. What I feel now, what I hear now... is nothing but pain and darkness inside me... I blame her for making me suffer like this. I'm afraid I may not be able to give the next person in my life, the love, trust and smiles as I did with her.

I thank her for finally being able to break me... break my spirit.... break my heart and filling it with sorrow. I'm glad she's enjoying it. I'm choosing my own path now, I'm choosing to let her go, I'm choosing to forget her... I'm praying I'll have the strength to.

"Happiness is never forever. Loving her was easy, losing her was hard.
Loving her is still easy, but knowing she is no longer mine,is the hardest of all."

Neglect....

I couldn't really sleep last night, the darkness was not a friend of mine. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see her with him... whoever he is... Whats happening to me... Waking up this morning, I felt empty, like I wasn't there at all. Almost didn't feel like going to work, but thats just not me. I'm not gonna let her do this to me, I won't let it happen to me. I still wait for her to call or reply my text messages, though I don't realise why I still am... it's already a lost cause... I should assume the worse...

I'm sitting here, thinking about the things she said to me... her words seem worthless in my thoughts now. I hate her for doing this to me, but I still adore her for the person I thought she was. Perhaps I may not be in the right state of mind to say this and maybe I'm just saying this out of anger and spite, but mistakes happen for a reason and she was my mistake... it was my bad to fall for her in the first place. Is this heart of mine too much for her...???

Troubled....

A lot can happen in a week, no, no,... let me rephrase that... A lot can change in a week... I had to go away for a week on work related commitments. I'm still recovering (barely) from the chaotic schedule I had, coming back to the hotel half-past dead everyday can turn anyone off from blogging. Yes, sleeping in a cold bed was the only part of my trip that I truly enjoyed. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of coming home, back to my routine, my life, my family and ofcourse Ms Angel....

Like I said earlier, A lot can change in a week. We barely kept in touch, maybe we were just too busy for each other or maybe we just needed a break from each other...?? I don't know... Today, was my first day back at the office, however after the morning madness, only did I realise that Ms Angel was already on holiday for the upcoming CNY. I was quite suprised really,no mention of an early break in our conversations before, so I thought nothing of it at first. I did send Ms Angel a text message saying that I missed seeing her in the office, but till now it's midnight already and I still don't have a reply from her ??! What's going on here?? I called her handphone around noon, hoping for a short chat... but still no joy... my call was ignored. I think I was more annoyed than curious, but I didn't allow my gremlins to get the best of me. I rang her again, this time my call was answered, but hang on... it was answred by a guy?! Caught off guard, I managed to squeak my voice into asking where Ms Angel was? All I got was an instant cold cold reply from him saying that she was not able to talk to me... what the ...?? How could she ?? I did get to leave a message to the unknown human for her to return my call... before he suddenly hung-up on me, sadly nothing replied, so far. It's past midnight now, I'm tired of waiting. I don't get it... what happened?? Right now, a million questions going through my head, I have no answers, except that it can only be intepreted to the pain and betrayal I'm feeling right now. Why me ?? Why now ?? I hate this... I wonder why my happiness is always short-lived?? I'm tired... I'm going to lie in the darkness of my room and stare blindly. I'm sure the silence will put my mind at ease and deafen my thoughts. I need to close my eyes... it's time to suffer alone...