Choices....

An interesting turn of events today and not just because it's valentine's day. Got to the office today,expecting the same routine but unexpectedly got a shock instead... It's a wake up call to my system and I don't think I'll ever get over it...

The director walked into my office this morning for to sort out some issues and then decided that there should be some collaboration of minds to help solve a problem. Fast forward to 10am and a meeting was called. I was emailed the details and had to prepare some info for the meeting... so being caught up in my work I failed to notice what Ms Angel was up to... not that I cared, but it was always safe to know where she was so we wouldn't run into each other as not to complicate an awkward moment. Well, just my luck... the director paired me up with Ms Angel to handle some issues of the problem faced. How awkward is that?? How do I get myself out of this I thought?? No room for excuses here... orders are orders... and any apprehension is unacceptable. The meeting was soon over and Ms Angel suggested we work in her office since the majority of the files were with her. I just gave her a gentle nod but did not obligate myself to saying anything to her, I didn't want to break the silence. I didn't even want to look at her... I had to stand my ground and stick to my guns... I was starting to feel hopeless again.

After much hesitation and with a head full of conflicting thoughts, I finally got to drag myself to Ms Angel's office. I could see that she was uneasy about it, but I do commend her for trying her best to keep me comfortable around her. I just sat there... silently, reading through the files while only using nods and slight gestures to keep words between us at a minimum... but from the corner of my eye I could see her sitting beside me... staring at me as if she wanted to say something, waiting for that right moment. It was so hard for me not to look at her... I wanted so much to look at her, tell her that I miss her so much... There was so much I wanted to say to her... It just kills me to know that I can't and wouldn't. We were close but yet so far from one another... If only I was a mindreader, I wish. I guess the stress finally got to her... she grabbed my hand from beneath her desk and kinda said something like " why are you like this to me ??" I looked at her with so much emptiness, my lips felt as if they were glued shut... I just told her to get over me, forget me... forget about us. It's over... then I just walked away... I said all that with a heavy heart... I wonder if I did the right thing?? Will I regret it?? I'm confused and lost... I'm starting to hate myself now.

Today is Valentine's Day... since we've known each other, I would send her flowers ever year... except for today. I know I've hurt her feelings with my decision... I didn't mean to be cruel to her... I'm weak... I'm stubborn... I'm hurt...