Given it deep thought over the weekend, I have made the decision to just sit on the sidelines of my life about 'her'. As stated in a previous post, it's all over, we're complete strangers to each other now, we innocently stay out of each others way as if it was a game of chess...Every move I make has to be planned in advance so that we don't get into an awkward place where we have to look or say something to each other. We have to act so alien to each other, it's just so platonic, that even close friends wonder about the long silence and tense looks between us. I mean, not that there was ever a serious relationship between us... infatuation, admiration plus the frequent subtle flirting. Maybe our feelings are mutual... just don't know to what extent, or maybe we're just being cautious??
Correct me if I'm wrong, I find that it's very difficult for females in our local culture to come clean about their feelings, be it happiness or misery. Probably because we don't have such an 'open door' culture to our thoughts?! I guess more women are reserved and choose not to confide with anyone. This really makes it difficult for a guy to figure whats going on... it's like driving blindfolded at night, with no lights and the sunshade on?! The next thing that happens is, they try to ignore you just like sweeping dead leaves to the side of the road, it's there,but nobody bothers to throw it away. I've realised this sometime ago... but mind you, ladies that have been either raised abroad or more open-minded tend to be more in-touch with their feelings... they are more able to express their affections...tantrums and maybe the occasional lovey-dovey attitude when their hormones permit?! hahha...I'm not saying this will be easy for a fella to read his woman, it just gives a hint on where to start,
" as you know, we guys are not always the sharpest tool in the shed. ;)"
Forgive me lads, that's just the way it is...always have been... always will be... maybe. Why do I say this... honestly it's the way I feel about myself, plus my buddies react the same way too.
Back to the issue at hand, what I'm trying to say is that 'she' is a woman who is open-minded, has experienced the world and lives very independently. What I can't seem to understand is, why does she choose not to show her emotions at all? Her thoughts are well guarded and her words properly chosen. She seems to show no sign of weakness, not that she is...but she is still human after all?! As for me, despite my tough exterior shell...I always seem dominant, quiet, calm...maybe a little suave, but underneath it all... I'm exactly the opposite, stab me and I will bleed. It's so hard for me to hide my emotions hence my tantrums. She knows of my weakness... she can sense it in my eyes... I dare not look at her anymore... it makes me weak and uneasy... I hate that. I know I'm easily intimidated by her... it's her advantage and she knows that. There seems to be no sign of her letting her guard down for me...she feels no pain, no regret, nor any pity for me... absolutely no point of entry for my feelings to reach her. Her silence is killing me...I feel hopeless... I feel incongrous... I feel used. Every day, I see the wall between us grows wider, thicker ... it's like a force-field which keeps all her feelings & emotions concealed. I'm not strong enough... I can't break through it... I've tried... but still no joy. Every time she avoids me... it feels like another victory for her, another stab to my heart, another inch to my wound...it still hurts me deeply. All this may sound pathetic... I know, but the truth always hurts.
" All of us may live in a world of comfortable lies, but the truth always reminds us of our imperfect reality...."
It's late now, I haven' t been able to get much sleep lately...so much stuff going on in my mind..so many tantrums I have to face... so many conflicts I have to overcome... so little comforts to hide my sorrow. Maybe I miss her too much... and yet I don't want to think of her anymore... but my mind won't let me. Note to self --->
It's not fair... It's not right... I have to move on... I want to move on... I need to let go... I hate myself...
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