Concert....

It's been a chaotic week here...work...work...and more work...how I'm beginning to hate the word 'deadlines'. Time goes by too fast in this life...a day goes by as if it were an hour to me. I'm starting to miss all the comforts of home...coming back to an empty hotel room just isn't enough to rest a tired soul. All I do when I get back is finish up whatever I didn't get to do at the office, followed by a hot shower...only then to be greeted by a cold bed. Just another five days of this...I need to be patient. Lately I haven't even been able to talk to Tengku S as much as I'd like to...I hope she understands how busy I've been, I hope she knows that I miss her too. Can't wait to see her next month...I've planned a surprise for our next rendezvous, through a friend here, hopefully I've secured tickets to Rihanna's concert here in November ... and I've already made the arrangements for her flights & hotel, since I'll be here again next month too...so many loose issues remain unresolved at work...even after spending a week here...it isn't enough to settle the dramas at work. I guess it'll be a once-a-month trip to Singapore for me from now on, till January 2009 I hope... By the way, in case anyone wonders... I still haven't replied any of MsAngels texts... :) I guess she's still wondering about the other day...

11th....

GIGI - 11 Januari

Kekasih....

Ungu - Kekasih Gelapku

'' Ku mencintaimu lebih dari apa pun...meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tau...Ku mencintaimu sedalam-dalam hati ku...meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku...''

Not missing....

It's been awhile since my last post...I feel like I'm neglecting my readers, forgive me...I know not what I do...but of what has been done to me is the question?! Unfortunately in the condition I am...health wise I mean, I don't think I'm up to it at all. My mind is numb...my thoughts are weathered...my mood is foul...can life get any more bitter than this?? What keeps me going...you may ask?? Her smile keeps me in touch with reality...and leaves a faint smile on this miserable face. Thoughts of Tengku S constantly flow through my head...flowing out of control...creating a new fantasy at every opportunity...

No, I'm not missing her... my heart misses her...no I don't think about her...but my mind wonders what she's doing when we are not together... Am I falling into another hole of depression ?? Missing, wanting and losing...what does it all mean?? Is this...love?! My mind is a mess, my worst thoughts are unwound...am I losing my sense of reality? It has been a trying month for me...with the Raya celebrations behind me, I can now rest myself...no more commitments...no more house visits...I just want to stay in...take refuge in the comfort of the walls that I call my home.

My short weekend with Tengku S was so unbelievable, even if it was only for a day, I'm grateful she took the time to fly over. The first time I saw her exit the arrival hall, I could see her grinning from end to end...I guessed that both of us were excited beyond it all...taking things in stride...I brought her home to meet my parents, since she was staying there anyway... formalities aside, I'm glad it was mum's doing for our paths to cross...it saves me the awkwardness of introducing her. The rest of the day had us just chilling out at home...catching up on things in our own lives. I had an 'open house' invite in the evening...a friend's house...the so-called friend that is going out with Ms Angel that is. Holding no grudges and at a time of forgiveness during Syawal, I opted to go , taking Tengku S along so as she would have a feel of the hospitality of our culture. It's her first visit here...so yeah, she was happy to obliged...but little did I know what to expect that night. I guess almost everyone in the office was there that night...I could see the look on the faces of the ladies...the notorious 'office gossipers' as their known...whispering questions between each other...wondering who was by my side...?? I felt like prince charming escorting Cinderella to the ball...I've always kept my life private and known to be 'solo' at all times...must be a shocker to them to see me...*ahem*...'taken' I mean. Maybe it was the raised attention from the guys that made me feel uncomfortable...?? I know they had their eyes on Tengku S...wondering who she was and how she wound up holding my hand ?? I'm sure I'll be interrogated the next working day at the office...typical... some people can be real busybodies...annoying...but that's just typical. Anyway, we did get to have a good time that night...I even got to introduce Tengku S to a few close friends...yes, I was proud to show her off...sounds shallow but I was enjoying every minute of it...

News of me must have traveled fast that night...got a text message the minute I reached home...something unexpected...which read...'' Who was that with you ?? Please reply me... Ms Angel ''. No reply was sent...silence and ignorance can be a powerful weapon. That night is over and forever shall be nothing less but a wonderful memory to me...something I'll be dreaming of in the days to come...how I wished for time to go by dead slow...I didn't want her to go the next day...

Awaiting patience....

The pain of waiting is like looking for forever... Waiting...waiting for her to give me that sweet embrace...to have her gently in my arms...I'm patiently waiting for that day. Through day and night...my thoughts are of her, am I dreaming of a better tomorrow or another hopeless reality?? I wish I could just hold her close, I wish I could just hold the warmth of her hand...but there is a space between us...the distance is giving me nothing but pain. Patience takes time...time is frozen when she is away from me...her love drifts away further...how do I overcome this loneliness??

As I long for her to say the words, I may never hear her say... I'll always be afraid of one thing...that we'll always be apart, that we'll always be 'just friends' and she'll never be able to hold me close to her heart.

Tentang Kita....

Tentang Kita - Channel

Eid-ul Fitr Mubarak.....

It is often said that "Life" is always what you make of it... I guess that much is true, we choose our own paths in life, no one else determines our destiny but ourselves. Despite the cheerful festivities of Aidilfitri, I find myself still enveloped in sadness and confusion. Sadness because It's another year alone by myself, while close friends are out celebrating with their intimate others... Confusion because whatever relationship I have with Tengku S doesn't seem to go past the infatuation we have for each other... maybe I'm just in resentment??!

My trip away was a good distraction from MsDragon...I guess she's gone back to Oz by now since I haven't heard from her yet...I hope she realises that I'm not looking for her anymore, though I still think of her...I've been avoiding her texts and calls since leaving...I'm starting to feel the guilt building up inside me...believe me, I'm not trying to be mean...but what choice do I have...?? I need to put my past behind me...cruelty...it's an act of desperation in my book. My brief one day detour to KL was good...I enjoyed my iftar with Tengku S... her company was refreshing, something I really needed to unwind after a hectic week of meetings, presentations and negotiations. We talked about so many things...things happening in our daily lives...I'm impressed, she's a good listener too. We got to a point where it came to a topic about ' US '...something we've been trying to avoid all this time. We've decided to take things easy...like one step at a time...so as not to ruin what we have for each other now. I'm guessing, we're just being careful...long distance relationships are easily short lived...too many unwanted temptations out there. The good news is she's flying over next weekend to spend Aidilfitri here with me...something I'm really looking forward to...spending time with Tengku S on home ground. Even if it's only going to be for two days, it'll be something I'm grateful for... I hope.

" To all my faithful readers... have a blessed Eid-ul Fitr Mubarak this year...much love, Joe ."