Lost without you...

Lost.... how can one feel 'lost' ?? Is it an emotion?... a feeling?... a sadness?? Different people interpret 'lost' in different ways. As for me, I would interpret 'Lost' as a feeling of emptiness, as if time has stood still. Bewildered or confused...it's the same thing. I feel I'm losing a battle I have not fought... it's not a joy to live with. I blame Ms Angel for all this...for making me feel this way, but I'm not the vengeful type... I may live in spite...but not hate... never.

Something happened today, I saw her heading out to lunch with some guy... it hurt for me to see that, she passed me as if I was invisible, not even a slight response, as if I'm a total stranger, it's bad enough she's been avoiding me the whole week....no text reply, no more messages, no calls returned... Maybe there's no 'me' in her life anymore. Should I assume the worse or has the storm just begun?? Yes, 'Lost' is how I'm feeling today, nothing else on my mind except jealousy and pain. I'm trying not to let it turn to hate, I'm trying to not let my emotions get the best of me... I want to move forward... it's just that she makes me feel like I'm back to square one. I don't want to be like this... am I weak or just naive?? ....Leave me be... leave me alone....

Ignorance unaccepted....

Another cold wet miserable day.... looking out my window I wonder why Ms Angel doesn't answer my calls nor reply my text messages anymore?? There are difficult questions between us, no answers ...just questions. I try not to think about it really, but the mind works in mysterious ways and negative thoughts always find their way to hurt my feelings. I'm feeling shallow.... used and forgotten. Is this pain worth it ?? The sacrifices I've made for her... the things I've put up with... I have no one to blame but myself... I have my regrets. I suffer alone.

Today is Christmas eve... I wonder what she's up to? I don't celebrate it, but I do wish her well. We have not made any plans for the coming new year, though I wish we did. Unfortunately for me, everything is rocky between us at the moment, just the thought of asking seems so awkward...it just feels so out of place... u know bad timing as they say.... not my luck at all this year. With regards to new year resolutions, I still thinking of some... I've accomplished about 70% of my list for 2007 and I hope next year, I get to complete whatever I've planned for myself.

It just started raining heavily again.... weather seems to put a damper on my day.... guessing I'll be staying in again.... wondering..wondering..

Acceptance of Truth....

It's been a long and tiring week..... I'm exhausted.....really.... I'm in no mood to blog...but hey, the show must go on....not that I have any readers...just that it has to go on...

I received a wedding invitation this week, quite surprised to see one this late in the year... upon opening it, saw it was from my past love (what I've done). However, the wedding was sometime in November? I'm confused?? Why send an expired invitation at all.... It occurred to me that she was giving me the 'heads up' because who knows we may run into each other and be able to avoid an awkward situation. Or it maybe a way of telling me that she's off the market...who knows? Anyways, I'm happy for her...really I am... I'm glad to know some guy out there is looking after her...giving her the affection she deserves. I just can't help to feel a bit sad that I didn't get to that stage with her. Anyways, we parted so suddenly and if this is her way of making amends to getting my blessing than I'm give it to her freely. I did some checking on the lucky groom, well all I can say that 'love has no boundaries, even age' why?? Well i think he's about 10years older than her...older than me I might add..anyways whats important is that they're happy, that's what counts!

As for me and Ms Angel...well we're still at it...a never ending tug-of-war, I just don't understand where she can be affectionate one day...and heartless the next... weird..way weird... but it keeps me on my toes. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day... I hope.

Trying times...

I've tried and tried again... but nothing seems to work. Ms Angel has me hooked up on her, wherever I go,I have a 'phobia' of bumping in to her. she knows I'm a creature of habit and can easily guess my hangouts or my retreat as I so fondly call it. I'm afraid she'll show up suddenly...and that makes me scared...scared to face her. Can't get why I'm feeling like this. All I know is that I shouldn't be like this, put myself in this dilemma. However human nature is a force to be reckon with and never goes down without a fight. I think she's kinda put me in my place, since I'm not a fighter...nor am I the vengeful type... *sigh* This sucks.... She has me on hook line and sinker and she knows it....

Introducing ... Ms Angel

Where do I start? I don't know? How do I? ??? These are the questions constantly cropping in my mind daily... I feel lost...I feel abandoned...and on the side...slightly used??! It all because of 'her'...wait a minute, from now on I'll just address 'her' as 'Ms Angel'. It's about time I gave her a nickname, since she's the only reason why I started this blog in the first place... Anyway, I'm still on holiday and trying to live the carefree moments I have all to myself.... but yeah, Ms Angel just had to text me..asking me If I miss her?? What the...??! I'm kinda caught off-guard about it.... *sigh* There goes my afternoon of tranquility and people-watching at Dome....

I do not know how to reply her, I just can't find the words....but I do miss her...however, giving her the pleasure of letting her know the way I feel is a no-no. I used to be obsessed about her...I guess 'being in love' will do that to anyone...but not me anymore, I just don't want to seem desperate. You know, play the ' hard to get' tactics...hahaha....in theory maybe it'll work...who knows? Well I finally decided not to text her back...I'll just keep her wondering.....Let's see how she feels when the tables are turned....against her.