Away....

Being away from the people you love and miss, makes you do silly things... I for one, am part of the unlucky few. Not stupid, just silly-not-what you-would-do-everyday kinda stuff. I miss home and I'm looking forward to getting back soon.... hence the lack of recent posts. I miss sleeping in my own bed too....heeheehee...
Being away from my normal environment has also helped to think about my life, since I have no distractions here except for work that is. I suppose this trip away was a much needed break from my routine back home. Yes, 'alone time' is always good for the soul.... gosh..I'm rambling again...anyway no tantrums lately... but I promise a good post when I get back...if it matters to anyone reading..that is..

Love & Hate.....

I have that feeling deep inside that she hates me...and there's nothing more I can do to change that feeling of me. It's that kinda feeling when every time I look at her, all I can see in 'her' eyes is hate, even her words are spoken in spite. She treats me like yesterdays trash, she enjoys seeing the grief I go through daily. I'm too tired to play her mind games anymore. I've lost the battle and the war is over. I'm done trying to get 'her' back into my life. None of my previous relationships have made me suffer so much than this for so long. My life is now filled with pain. This pain is the only thing keeping me sane, it reminds me to keep in touch with my reality, away from the madness. I want to hate 'her'....

I have no regrets with the decision I made, letting go of someone is not the easiest thing, but forgetting someone is crushing. I'll find a way to forget... it's the best I can do for now, after all I'm only human....

Wondering....

Every morning I get to thinking on how my day would turn out like? I wonder if I'll get through it? I wonder what dissapointments I'll face today? I wonder if my situation with 'her' will be better today than it was yesterday? I wonder if she will start talking to me today? I wonder if I'm in her thoughts today?

So many questions and yet, rarely any answers.....

Losing it...

I couldn't stand it anymore, I just had to break the silence between us... I'm fed up with of all this... I can't take it anymore. I finally got the courage to walk up to 'her' and asked bluntly " Do you hate me? " . I must have caught her off-guard, she looked stunned rather than surprised really. Almost immediately the response was a solid " No! " followed by a cold snap of " why??! " I panicked and just walked away....it was stupid of me. I was not expecting that, I should have planned out my approach better. I panicked, I was not prepared. Mid morning, I got an e-mail from 'her' asking why I had asked such a question? I replied, telling 'her' how I've felt all this time and how much I miss her so much.

That was 4 hours ago...and still no reply. I'm losing hope here... I'm at a crossroads with no sense of direction...do I go left or right or do I just stay there till I get directions... I feel so lost... I feel hopeless.

Friends....

Definition of a FRIEND

A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

I've come to realise that I have no friends now, not literally I mean... it's just that I have no friends to hang out with anymore. Most of them are too busy with their marriages or their relationships. How ironic it is that I'm single and have no friends to enjoy the single life with. This always happens to me, friends have come and gone, maybe there's something wrong with me??

I'm not used to going out alone, I always have my best buddy tag along with me whereever I go, even overseas trips, you know like an 'aide de camp' . Someone to confide in and assist me or just give me a second opinion on stuff, more usually it's just someone to share a good time with. Ha..ha...some people have even presumed me to be gay?! Hahaha. That was the past, my best buddy is married now with 2 kids and in the middle of constructing his first home. So between work, family and home construction, time with me has been quite non-existent. I guess everyone has to grow-up and move on right?? Don't get me wrong, I'm not being selfish here. I'm happy for him to have accomplished so much in his life, but the truth remains that, he's left a friend behind and that's one worst thing a buddy can do.

While I'm sitting here alone at a cafe, writing up this tantrum, I'm surrounded by women having their Saturday afternoon gossip session. There's a group of women at the next table comparing their breast sizes and deliberating whether to go for breast augmentation or not. I feel so outnumbered and insecure, wish my partner-in-crime was here so we could share a really good laugh about it.

Nowadays, I'm usually by myself, I have to move on and not depend on anyone else anymore. I can do what I want to do,I can be what I want to be. Life is never perfect, I can't always have everything my way....

Man is not the creature of circumstances, circumstances are the creatures of men. We are free agents, and man is more powerful than matter.

Life Philosophy of Benjamin Disraeli

Confessions in pain...

Today's not such a good day after all. Bad day at work.. it's raining like no tomorrow.. and when I got home, I slipped on my steps, fell and banged my head. A bad & painful ending to another horrible day. Just got back from the hospital, now I've got a 2 inch long scar on my head which required about 8 stitches... I'm in pain and I'm lonely... I miss 'her'

" This is not my day...really..it isn't....."

Walking away...

What can I blog about today... it's been playing on my mind the whole morning... I'm trying hard not to write about 'her'.. emphasis on 'trying' ok?! So please give a guy a break...

Well, lets see.. so far the morning has went well... no problems there. In regards to 'her'. 'She' still thinks I don't exist... 'She' still doesn't give me a second glance... 'She' still doesn't want to hear a word I say and I know 'She' doesn't even care .... so what else is new??

The weekend is coming up, promised my little angel of a niece I'd take her to the movies. I can't wait to see her. She's my little angel and her moms, little devil... kids... don't we all wish could be them once again. *sigh* I've always wanted to have children in my life, but due to a previous life I know I may not have that chance anymore. Anyway, one can remain an optimist and hope...right?

What reminds me....

I've been indulging myself with stuff I don't normally do, lately like reading a novel, looking at the skies in deep thought or chillin to the tunes on my ipod while eating loads of ice cream. I usually stick to my daily afterwork schedule of going to gym/cycling/ running etc.. to keep myself busy. Perhaps I'm trying to breaking away from the norm, I think? For example, like watching more tv than I usually do. I'm not a sci-fi fan, but I've been addicted to the latest season of Battlestar Galactica, due to one reason. The character Boomer aka Sharon and in reality Grace Park, really reminds me of 'her'... well she has an uncanny resemblance to her, about 80% in my eyes...maybe?! Anyway she's hot... it sounds pathetic that I can relate 'her' to Grace, but I have nothing else to hold on to. It keeps me content and amused for now. As much as I try not to miss 'her' , she's still on my mind at times. Must be part of the withdrawal syndrome cycle one faces after a severe break-up.

" I'm trying to be a survivor ... while waiting to be rescued... that's all..."

Forget me to forget you....

I was away for the weekend, finally got the chance to sneak away for some much needed R&R without taking leave. I got to thinking about 'her' and trying to accept the fact the all is no more. I guess that brief happiness I encountered was short-lived and today the situation remained the same. I don't want to try and I don't want to suffer anymore. I just want to carry on with my life but maybe I'm just expecting too much. I don't know what I want anymore. Life is really messed up now. Recently found out that I am actively blocked on her MSN, this hasn't made it easier too. She must really hate me to do that. I don't know how to fix this or if it is meant to be fixed, but in time I hope I can get over this. I need to forget this part of my life....

If only maybe....

One action has a million meanings... In my case, it was just another morning, on my way to the water cooler, I was passing by 'her' place. I expected the usual 'I hate you' look, but instead I got a smile and a silent 'hi' ?! I was totally unprepared and confused some what... but I was more shocked than happy. It felt like being on top of the world for a minute. Hold on? What's going on here? Why all of the sudden? No matter, at least it's a start. All this time, just the silence between us is so tormenting. I have so much to say to her, so much to tell her but each time I want to, I end up getting so tight-lipped that it's frustrating. I miss her, and if she asked, I would surrender my heart to her without hesitation. I would give it my all this time, if only given the chance. If only...that is...

Tomorrow is another day, I hope it'll be a pleasant one as today. I don't want to make any empty promises to myself anymore but If things are stating to work out, maybe there is a silver lining in my dark cloud after all... maybe....

My pain....

She looked so 'hot' today, I couldn't keep my eyes off her...man oh man...give me strength. All I got today was a cold stare in return for my smile. Maybe I'm nothing to her now, maybe trying to win her back is not the answer... I don't know, this is coming from a confused mind.... She doesn't reply my e-mails, nor respond to any communication I have with her. Am I being forgotten or ignored? Why is she deliberately doing this to me? All these questions and no one to answer them, I feel lost and abandoned. There is no way to force someone to love you, you can only earn it. However in my case, 'she' refuses to even let me know what is actually wrong, there are no signs at all. I'm in the dark and I'm scared. I don't want to feel like this anymore... it hurts so much inside. I may not look it, but it's there everyday. There's only so much I can cope... I don't know how much longer I can take this...

Ignore me...

Another day, another tantrum... Things at the office are kinda slow today, not much action going on. My weekend was fairly dead too... I hope this week goes by fast... I 'm stressed out till my toes hurt?!, I can't wait till the next long weekend during HM's Birthday. I really need a holiday. I'm restless, my mind is zoned out today after seeing 'her' at the office today. I'm fed up of feeling the heavy hand of being ignored, it sucks, I hate it. I've tried and tried again to win her back without giving out any hint of desperation, but still no joy, I'm still being ignored. Some people would say that if it's not meant to be, why not accept fate? That just doesn't register to me, I'm just hung-up on her, hung-up really bad that it hurts. As hard as I try to elude the thoughts of 'her' , in some sort of twisted way I'm reminded of her if not in reality than in my dreams. Is it maybe that we work together? I don't know. I am not interested in analysing the issue, just more on solving it. If all else fails I have wondered on the thought of resigning, quite drastic I know, But I can't think of any other way of saving my sanity. We're there everyday, facing each other but the ignorance between us feels like we're on separate continents. How you say, " ...so close but yet so far..."

What I've done....

Another boring Saturday, nothing much planned. Been glued to the tube whole morning, watching channel 78 on Astro. The cars are cool...Which also reminds me, I have to get my ride washed. I looked out my window, grey clouds?! Ok scrap that thought then. Hmm..what else can I occupy myself with...let's see, the cat's fed, sent laundry to mum's place...mmm..yeah update my blog to share with the world about my dull existence. haha

Anyway, really thought long & hard (hey..hey...for the yellow-minded readers, I don't mean,what you think I mean ;) ) about 'her'. I thought of what she would be up to , where would she be, would I be on her mind... that sorta thing. I miss her and I'm just too proud to say it. Yes, I do regret saying that I want to forget her. Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes their mistakes. Maybe I'm just a memory to her, waiting to be forgotten. This is a part of love I'm not so fond of, missing someone and not being missed...

Before her, I've had my fair share of relationships, some good and others not worth mentioning or forgotten. I do not regard myself as a player, not charming enough to be one anyway. My first love found my best buddy to be such a great lover, little did she know, she found out the ugly way that he was a great lover to every girl he knew... After her, I was in and out of relationships. I met this girl, she was cool, great mind, great body and looks that would drive a guy nuts with joy. She was a very down-to-earth-girl-next-door type, you know, the one mum would approve of. Just one obstacle, she'd just been dumped by her fiance because he was bumping uglies with his buddy's girlfriend (sounds familiar??). Now a girl on the rebound, very bitter, defensive and unapproachable is not an easy tackle. But then again, nowadays no girl is an easy tackle right?... I guess they have their standards too. We became close friends, but she was away most of the time on work commitments and that she occasionally stayed with her dad in KL. She works as a part-time model, remember the chick in the Vochelle ad?? Her parents divorced when she was younger so she was used to living a divided life. It was great to meet someone like her, we had so much in common, we would even be able to finish each others sentences. I thought she's the one, no doubt about it. Things were going great for a couple of months, friendship turned to love and we were inseparable. Even when she was a away for a month long shoot, distance and time was not relevant to us. We 'skyped' at each and every opportunity we had. Then it happened, just after Raya, she got some disturbing e-mails, stuff about me ... ugly stuff about me. She received threatening e-mails too, saying to leave me alone. I suppose someone out there went through a whole lot of trouble to find out her e-mail address... I kept our relationship on such a low-key, even my close buddies were in the dark. Till today, I'm still wondering how and who made it happened. She couldn't take it anymore, she left me, left the country and I haven't seen her since. My messages were never replied, my calls were never answered. I was heartbroken again, I was lost. I sent her a final message, which I hope she read...

" I can't force you for anything... I respect your decision to leave me and as hurtful as it is, I will leave you alone as I'd rather that we part with good memories than sad ones . I'm really sorry for all the pain I've caused you to suffer and hope one day you will find love in your heart to forgive me. Lastly, I want to thank you for the good moments we shared and for all the smiles & laughs you've given me. I will miss our little chats the most. Take care of yourself and I hope you will find someone out there to take care of your heart and appreciate you as I did."

I think of her sometimes, and I hope she does think of me too. Even though we are no more, I do wish her each year on her birthday and I hope one day she will realise how much I really cared for her....

Whatever...

It's July already, way past the half-year mark on the calender... With such a chaotic lifestyle, I guess time goes by really fast. As the saying goes time & tide wait for no one. I'm feeling really stressed from my work schedules, my project commitments and my personal commitments/ activities. Also issues of 'her' have also been a major contributing factor. So I'm trying to get some time off work, just to get some R&R, some 'me' time to recollect on what have I accomplished for the first half of 2007, Like if I've achieved my resolutions and what not. Actually, It's just stuff that needs some attention in my life, that sorta thing. However going on leave is easier said than done for me. It's just so conditional, because in my line of work, one cannot go on leave unless there is a replacement. The bad news is my replacement just resigned last month... ohcrap! *sigh* The good news is, there's always a back-up replacement. Hahah...it's great to have a back up, who has another back up? The boss say's it's " capacity planning " in the workplace, I call it "in case of emergencies". I'm set!..I'm gonna book my flight...woohoooo!!

Just my dumb luck, my replacement's back-up is on maternity leave till August. :(
Oh well...

I am Paranoid....

After my last post, I have a creeping suspicion... she's found out about my blog?! Yes, i get paranoid easily... I'm insecure and humbly embarrassed. Don't know why I feel this way today... She's been giving me cocky looks..whats up with that?? I caught her staring at me this morning... she looked so cheeky with that grin... ok..ok...it was more of a smirk, but a cute one none the less.. I miss that playfulness of hers... *sigh* she can be quite the tease....

Could it be true that she has been reading my blogs? But how? I started this blog as an escape from my reality, a place where I can express my tantrums, a place where I can hide my sadness..., a place where I can try to make sense out of my dilemmas. To reassure myself, I have checked my site monitor for the umpteenth time... I'm optimistic but not convinced. I wonder what would happen if she did? It still won't make things right... I want to forget her... I remind myself everyday... It's as if she has this sixth sense and can tell when I'm trying to ignore her. All she has to do is look at me... and I will fall. Maybe that's how Superman felt about telling Lois Lane who he really is??! Hmmm.....

"The first step is always the biggest leap..."

I'm getting tired of this... I want to blog about other stuff, but my mind is so hooked up on 'her'... I'm hell bent on going through this... I want to forget... I want to forget... I want my life back!!...

I am immune....

Given it deep thought over the weekend, I have made the decision to just sit on the sidelines of my life about 'her'. As stated in a previous post, it's all over, we're complete strangers to each other now, we innocently stay out of each others way as if it was a game of chess...Every move I make has to be planned in advance so that we don't get into an awkward place where we have to look or say something to each other. We have to act so alien to each other, it's just so platonic, that even close friends wonder about the long silence and tense looks between us. I mean, not that there was ever a serious relationship between us... infatuation, admiration plus the frequent subtle flirting. Maybe our feelings are mutual... just don't know to what extent, or maybe we're just being cautious??

Correct me if I'm wrong, I find that it's very difficult for females in our local culture to come clean about their feelings, be it happiness or misery. Probably because we don't have such an 'open door' culture to our thoughts?! I guess more women are reserved and choose not to confide with anyone. This really makes it difficult for a guy to figure whats going on... it's like driving blindfolded at night, with no lights and the sunshade on?! The next thing that happens is, they try to ignore you just like sweeping dead leaves to the side of the road, it's there,but nobody bothers to throw it away. I've realised this sometime ago... but mind you, ladies that have been either raised abroad or more open-minded tend to be more in-touch with their feelings... they are more able to express their affections...tantrums and maybe the occasional lovey-dovey attitude when their hormones permit?! hahha...I'm not saying this will be easy for a fella to read his woman, it just gives a hint on where to start,

" as you know, we guys are not always the sharpest tool in the shed. ;)"

Forgive me lads, that's just the way it is...always have been... always will be... maybe. Why do I say this... honestly it's the way I feel about myself, plus my buddies react the same way too.

Back to the issue at hand, what I'm trying to say is that 'she' is a woman who is open-minded, has experienced the world and lives very independently. What I can't seem to understand is, why does she choose not to show her emotions at all? Her thoughts are well guarded and her words properly chosen. She seems to show no sign of weakness, not that she is...but she is still human after all?! As for me, despite my tough exterior shell...I always seem dominant, quiet, calm...maybe a little suave, but underneath it all... I'm exactly the opposite, stab me and I will bleed. It's so hard for me to hide my emotions hence my tantrums. She knows of my weakness... she can sense it in my eyes... I dare not look at her anymore... it makes me weak and uneasy... I hate that. I know I'm easily intimidated by her... it's her advantage and she knows that. There seems to be no sign of her letting her guard down for me...she feels no pain, no regret, nor any pity for me... absolutely no point of entry for my feelings to reach her. Her silence is killing me...I feel hopeless... I feel incongrous... I feel used. Every day, I see the wall between us grows wider, thicker ... it's like a force-field which keeps all her feelings & emotions concealed. I'm not strong enough... I can't break through it... I've tried... but still no joy. Every time she avoids me... it feels like another victory for her, another stab to my heart, another inch to my wound...it still hurts me deeply. All this may sound pathetic... I know, but the truth always hurts.

" All of us may live in a world of comfortable lies, but the truth always reminds us of our imperfect reality...."

It's late now, I haven' t been able to get much sleep lately...so much stuff going on in my mind..so many tantrums I have to face... so many conflicts I have to overcome... so little comforts to hide my sorrow. Maybe I miss her too much... and yet I don't want to think of her anymore... but my mind won't let me. Note to self --->

It's not fair... It's not right... I have to move on... I want to move on... I need to let go... I hate myself...

Another day ....

I Surrender.....

"I give up on her... I can't take it anymore... enough already please... I want her outta my mind... outta my heart... outta my life... i'm going nuts... "