Cinta Sendiri....

This is how I feel....

Again....

I have to face reality that love will always never be mine...I've asked myself this a million times on...why do I make the wrong choices in life?? Why do I constantly put myself in misery's path?? Maybe a meaningless life of misery is the only life meant for me?? What happened to the love that I believed I knew?? I thought my heart would be safe with her...I thought I knew her by now... I suppose life is only hard as you make it..... I'm rambling again....

Ms Dragon came to my flat unexpectedly the other day wanting to make amends...I guess I didn't have much of a choice...I didn't say much...I just wanted to hear what she had to say for herself, whether it was worth letting her in the door. I told her of the conflicting feelings in my heart...about how unsure I see things in life now. Then it happened...the conversation turned meaningless when she said she way leaving. Ms Dragon had decided to move back to Melbourne with the boyfriend...she thought it would be the best choice to save what's left of the relationship, that is...until she met me... She regrets her choice now, but plans have been made by both their families to start them off a new life there. Disappointment sinks deeper in my mind...If her heart won't willingly be mine, then there's no sense in forcing love. What's the point??!! I stayed silent...my mind knows not what to do...she left after that, maybe she felt lost too...

It seems everyone is moving on with their lives...but why not me?? Am I not the person anyone wants to be with in their life? Is it that hard for me to accept changes? I'm at a loss...I'm worn out...I'm dead inside...

Dragons....

Another day surrounded by worries and fears... It plagues me till the point where my mind hurts... my thoughts are numb. Ms Dragon has confronted me of why have I been avoiding her for the past few days, she managed to slip in and wait in my office while I was out in a meeting. I didn't say much at first, I guess I'm not the the mood to start anything with her...needless to say in the end, she kinda demanded I answer her questions...with a blank look I just blurted out everything...like how I saw her with someone else that day, to think that I was thinking of committing myself to her and how betrayed I felt by her actions. From the stunned look on her face, I must have struck a few nerves...she just sat there...quiet and shocked by my revelations. I told her, it's not my place to say...it's her life after all...no commitments between us...but then who's leading who on here??

After a long silence...she confessed, the guy she was out with was in fact her boyfriend of a few years now...but she's seems to think that the relationship has hit a point where both of them have lost interest in each other. She's been trying to find the opportunity to end it all...I interrupted by saying that from the looks of what I saw, it didn't look that way at all? She snapped back by saying that they were only keeping up appearances to friends since they were out in a group that day. I just kept silent after that I'm just too confused and full of spite...like I said...I was not in the mood at all. Ms Dragon asked if she could come over after work and so we could just talk about it. I told her that I'll think about it, since I'm not in the right state of mind for anything at the moment...she left after that...no words...no goodbyes.

Dear faithful readers, just to clear things up...it's not the matter of me choosing who...Ms A or Ms D.... it's how they've managed to hurt me. I care deeply for them both...though I have come to terms of letting Ms A go...I still can't forget her. As for Ms D, she has managed to steal my heart...I'm smitten by her, but still I dare make no commitments to her...

Leave me alone....

'' I want to be alone for now... I need time on my own... I'd rather suffer from loneliness than regret any pain from hurt... I feel no love in my heart, only pain and doubts... My mind is filled with empty thoughts, what can I do to free myself from this nightmare...??!! ''

But it's over now...

'' For anyone and everyone who's ever been hurt..... ''

Unexpected....

There are a lot of things on my mind... I'm more than confused at the moment...much more in pain than ever...I feel so betrayed... I am hating the truth for now. Am I not supposed to have the things I want in life?? Things have never gone my way, regardless how much I try to make it...everything usually ends up so twisted... It all started during the weekend, I choose to clear my thoughts by going for a ride on my bike around town...it's amazing how much an adrenaline rush can temporarily make you forget about all your problems. I cancelled what ever appointments I had...I needed to spend time on my own...no Ms Angel... no Ms Dragon to think about. All was well, until I reached the Mall...queueing up during the jam, I couldn't help but notice this couple walking past me crossing the busy road....hand in hand...all smiles and laughter...so much in love, everything a couple should be. Taking a second long look... it was Ms Dragon!! I couldn't believe it...I didn't want to believe it...I just couldn't accept it!! All this time...could this be the secret she's been keeping from me? I guess with my helmet on, she didn't recognise me...I don't think she knows about me having a motorcycle at all. My mind instantly went blank... first Ms Angel... now her?! My mind wanders...what am I to her... another scandal in her life perhaps or maybe I'm just cheap thrill in her books. I've gone through so much betrayal in this life...I'm fed up with it all... my perceptions have changed... I've lost interest in life and love...

That was two days ago... I'm still speechless about it, nothing much to think about...the damage is done. I haven't seen or spoken to Ms Dragon lately...only replying her texts briefly, saying I'm just busy with work and purposely locking my office door... I don't want to confront her just yet. I know she is not mine or I am hers...but she's managed to hurt me...betray me...unexpectedly. Another unforgivable mistake I've gotten myself into... I want to be alone for now... I choose to give up on love & happiness for now.... maybe some people are just meant to be alone.....

Broken...

Things are still the same between Ms Angel and myself... I 'm still a stranger in her eyes...I'm still being ignored by her...I'm suffering from pain like a wound that won't heal... I have no control over my feelings anymore and don't know why I let her get away with hurting me like this... No answers for now, I can't think of any... I'm totally empty inside, maybe I'm just too foolish and naive...that's it...loving someone you can't have so much will do that to you...then it's usually followed by pain, disappointment, misery and regret. I have no more tears for her...things will never be the same...

Left work early today...told Ms Dragon that I'm not feeling well, I didn't want her to worry about me...I just needed some time alone to clear my mind from all these emotions trapped inside. That was nine hours ago...I still feel vulnerable now...insecurity has taken over and my self-esteem is non-existent...soon depression will leave it's mark on me.

Ms Dragon just sent me a text, saying she's coming over to see how I am... I'm thankful she's coming over, I could use the company...the lonely silence is deafening. Perhaps she is the remedy to my pain...maybe?? But for now I'll settle for a distraction...something to keep my mind away from thoughts of Ms Angel...

Last night....

I don't know what to think now....I think Ms Angel knew that I wasn't alone last night. I guess she waited till Ms Dragon left my flat late last night. I never would have expected something like this to happen...I'm confused as ever....

I was already in bed asleep....only to be woken up by Ms Angel by my side...I don't know how long she's been there...I'm surprised, I thought I was dreaming ?? She crawled under the covers and put her arms around me...she held me tight and hushed my words...all I could hear from her was...''sorry...'' . I'm still confused of why she's with me...thinking back I know she has a spare key...but she's never used it till last night. I choose not to say much after that....It felt so right to have her by my side...I was at peace with misery...I guess both of us must have fell asleep, because I don't remember anything else after that....

Morning came...Ms Angel was gone already before I was up. I'm still confused why she came over...what did it mean?? I know it wasn't a dream at all...she left the key I gave her on my table...Is this her way of saying goodbye to me...Is it really over between us now....?

Disappointment....

My heart is filled with disappointment, but then..what else is new in my life?? I came back today feeling a little anxious...maybe even a little excited...I don't know...maybe I was a little happy too. Ms Angel texted me just before boarding the plane home, she said she can't wait to see me back. It made me smile for a while...I felt peaceful...

My joy turns to pain & confusion once I'm in the office...she doesn't even look at me or even notices my presence, as if I were a shadow. I'm confused...I'm annoyed with myself... why do I get myself into these situations...?? My world doesn't revolve around her anymore...but why do I keep falling into her trap ?? I'm disappointed with grief... I hate this...it's ruined my day, I want to be alone with my misery...

Coming home to my flat, I'm surprised to be greeted by Ms Dragon...I forgot, I gave her a key so she could feed my fish...just in case I had to extend my trip. She could tell that I'm unhappy... I tried not to show it by shrugging it off to fatigue...I made sure it wasn't because of her. I don't want to break her heart by telling her Ms Angel did this to me...I'm not a heart breaker and her heart is not mine to break either... I'm filled with guilt again...I want to feel for her the same way I feel for Ms Angel, I know that's not going to happen...my heart won't let me be that way....

Silent thoughts...

Depression, it's another state of my misery...no one is immune to it...everyone suffers from it. Be prepared to lose hope by it...there is no cure, only bad memories remain. Ms Angel hasn't spoken a word to me yet...I don't think she intends to...I'm a stranger in her life now. All day long, my mind is filled with thoughts of her...it angers me. I'm trying to keep myself busy with work and think positively...I need to keep her out of my mind...I need to be at peace with myself.

Thoughts of 'us' constantly fill my mind...it haunts me in my dreams when I'm asleep. No one has ever made me feel pain this way...I wonder why do I feel so much for her?? Then again...I'll regret thinking about it too, the answer might hurt me more...

I'm missing all the moments she filled in my life...I miss the moments she was there by my side...I miss the time we shared and lost together...I miss the feeling of holding her hand with mine.
If only I had one wish...apart from the obvious, I would wish for a way to stop missing her and thinking about her so much... Maybe patience is the only remedy for now...maybe...

The song...

Should I ...

Woke up this morning hating myself for becoming the person I am now...a slave to Ms Angel... a slave to misery. I've tried to ignore these feelings for too long...I'm tired of it, but no matter how hard I try to forget it, pain finds itself to me with such ease. Ms Angel is back...I received a text from her last night, I didn't reply her at all... I didn't know what to say anyway...I'm such a mess?? Should I be happy or grateful of her return, even though if only for a short time?? It's hard enough to cope with, when she's not around...but then again, it's harder to cope with when she is around too...how hard can life get?? However, I do feel a slight joy that she's back too, not because I miss her...but because I'm surprised that she looks well and rested, that she's been taking care of herself. How I wish I was the one looking after her instead...if her love were mine....but maybe not in this lifetime anyway. Nothing is perfect in this world right??....and you can't always have everything you want.

As I'm writing this, I just saw Ms Angel passing by my office...not even a turn to say 'hello'..not even a glimpse from her...she must be ticked off by my ignorance, I think. I don't know whats my next move...should I just leave it be for her to end up hating me or should I respond to her and suffer a dilemma of misery and confusion?? I don't know....confusion clouds my judgement...my mind is numb for the moment.

People often say that misery loves company...to what extent of interpretation...I'm unsure myself, of the permanent truth to this. I do know that lately Ms Dragon has been going out of her way to keep me out of my misery...she seems to care so much about me...but yet, why don't I feel the same way about her?? I feel guilty for leading her on...not that I am purposely...but I know it'll end up like that. She's a good soul with a big heart and has the patience of an angel...I'm scared I'll lose her too...one day. I know she'll never be what Ms Angel was to me, though my mind wishes this was otherwise... I can't trust myself when I'm alone with her...I'm sure to regret it...if anything unexpected were to happen unintentionally between us....