Fly away....

I'm counting the days till Ms Dragon leaves me... I hate to think about it...but it plays in my mind, over and over again...I hate to say goodbye... I never thought I'd have these feelings for her, she made me feel loved and wanted and I'll miss her for that....

Here I am sitting all alone...missing the one I can't hold in my arms...no one to talk to about these feelings of pain...I suffer alone. I'm tired of the sadness...I'm tired of the pain. I guess I'm happier when she's around me...I'm content and complete.

For every day that I don't see her...the feelings of loneliness gets worse...life only gets better when she is in my sights...she puts a smile on this soul... Soon, she will just be a memory...I can no longer see her...touch her...say to her, words that mean so much to me...

Though I know we will never be together...she will be in my heart until never...my thoughts insist of her and they will always be there when I miss her. Even when she's not near me, her images are still there to comfort me... I don't know how long I can hold on to memories of her... I'm in denial of her leaving... Am I regretting my decision?? Another lost cause perhaps??!....or just another lost love...

Tapi bukan aku....

'' You've made your choice... and I've made mine too...the future doesn't belong to us anymore...time to let go of the past and move on.....''

Home alone....

It's good to be back home... I miss sleeping on my sofa... I miss the peacefulness of a dark lit room... All this traveling has somehow made me appreciate my privacy more. Many a things has happened in my absence...Ms Angel is still around, I've been told that she has delayed her posting till August with reason of teaching her new replacement the role she plays in the company. Ms Dragon will be leaving soon...she is still with her man, my sources say.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder...something that I've been reminded of recently when I found Ms Angel ringing my door bell at 3am last Sunday morning... I guess she knew I was back already. Still suffering from jet-lag...unfortunately I was still awake, she must have seen the lights on my balcony. I'm surprised by her visit...I must admit I did miss her, I think she could see right through me. Little words were said between us...it's complicated as they say. She only asked me if I ever thought of her while away, I confessed to her my guilt. She did not hesitate much...she whispered to me that she has regretted her choices in life, but the biggest regret was to leave me...I knew it was a mistake to let her in my door...it was a mistake to let her arms around me...but the biggest mistake was letting her spend the night with me. Why do I surrender myself to her so easily....??! I don't know....maybe she just knows which buttons to push??

Waking up in the morning I expected Ms Angel to just up and leave as usual...instead she was still cozyed up beside me...a sight I've dreamt of too often...a perfect morning with my woman snuggling under the covers beside me. But, coming back to reality, one has to realise that not all dreams are meant to last forever...regardless how hard you try to make it feel real...

People don't understand what it means to love someone. Love is not something you can be selfish about. It is a give and take situation. In fact, Love is not about what the person you're with is doing to make you happy, it's about what you're doing to make them happy...

More or Less....

It's been a busy week and an even busy weekend.... commitments here and there... I think to myself...when will I have time on my own?? A lot has happened over the weekend... Ms Angel has been at it again... trying to find her way into my bed again...giving me false hopes. I'm trying my best to stay away...no matter how tempting a one night stand sounds...it's too much emotional baggage for me. I've been a victim of too many heartaches from her....I suppose in an act of desperation before she leaves for good, she's even tried to talk dirty to me on the phone...hoping my doors will open in eagerness...tough luck to her...my mind is in no mood for her games. Ms Dragon on the other hand has taken a different approach... during a recent lunch outing with colleagues, she managed to slip a note in my hand...asking for me to give her 5 minutes of my time and hear her out... for courtesy's sake I agreed... I could see it in her eyes...she looked tired and worn...I saw no peace inside her. Firstly, she asked how I was doing...I said I was fine and that I need my space... hence why I've been so out of reach lately... She was sorry for the other day, she was confused and left suddenly. She still wonders why I didn't stop her?? There was a long silence between us...I didn't have an answer....I just stood there...empty... She said she was going to end the relationship and that she wanted to be with me instead...if that meant a long-distance relationship, then she's ready to face it. That kinda caught off-guard...speechless more like it. What a dilemma I've got myself into...

Things happen for a reason...maybe it's just karma...more of the time it's just coincidence... Every time I give more, I'm being pushed away... Every time I give less, I keep them wanting more ??! Perhaps it's just human nature to want more of what you can't have....???

Patiently waiting....

To the love I will never have...

" I think about you all the time...
I can’t get you off my mind...about wanting you to be mine...
I keep all my thoughts locked up in my head...constantly wondering, what I should have said and done...
I'll wait patiently for you...if indeed your love is ever mine..."

Distances....

Back to reality...back to work after a weekend escape. No significant changes really...both Ms A & Ms D are still leaving. I left my phone at home while away...didn't want to be bothered with any texts or calls from the two of them...got home and saw a whole bunch of messages from them too. I guess they tried to come over and I wasn't home...I 'm surprised they didn't run into each other in the lift??! Anyway, I left a set of keys to my neighbour, their nice people who more than obliged to help feed my pet fish while I was away...so I didn't have to depend on anyone else. Before leaving I changed the main locks on my doors, so I guess both of them couldn't get in either...what I would have given to see the look on their faces?? I have not spoken to either since coming to work...I'd rather keep my distance for now...I think I've suffered enough...I want to be left alone.

Since then I've had the habit of coming to work much more earlier than usual...staying in and working through lunch...and leaving earlier than everyone else. I've started to lock my office door whenever I'm in...only to open when required. I have an assistant who filters out my visitors...yes, I'm going to the extreme of avoiding the ladies...however the reason of primarily of not wanting to be disturbed was my excuse of choice and it's properly justified, since I have a boatload of backed-up work behind me. I don't know how long it's gonna be like this...I know I can't hide forever...but what choice do I have??

On the way to a meeting this morning I did run into Ms Angel in the lift...I'm grateful it was packed filled with people that time, it left her no opportunity to talk to me... I saw the look on her face, obviously she's wondering where have I been and what I've been up to...looks like she has a lot of questions for me. On the other hand, I have yet seen Ms Dragon...I feel she is also trying to keep her distance from me...maybe. I haven't answered their e-mails or calls... I don't know whats my next move...should I continue to avoid them or should I just surrender myself to them...maybe prevention is better than cure....help me decide..??

By myself...

Went away for the long weekend...needed time by myself...away from everything in my life. Trying to find a cure for this heart...still unlucky in love. I am alone, unfeeling, and trapped in depression... I am no longer the person they thought I am...I am no longer the person they thought they knew...there is no more love in these veins. I've been through so much, I'm suprised they don't see my pain. Stuck here in my own little world, I can be my true self...I don't have to hide myself from anyone.... No one will ever know the stress and pain in my life, no one will ever hear me complain... silence is my only friend. With feelings of abandonment, only words of anger come to voice...it's torture in my mind.

As I spend my life alone, my smile is full of bitterness...perhaps a shattered smile is more like it....this is what they have left me with...a broken heart full of misery... I don't like what I've become...I used to be strong, but all that is gone, I end up hiding away all my frustrations...laughing, when in truth I want to cry...everything about me is changing..inside and out...I'm not in control anymore, my soul is slowly fading away...now my trust is to no one but myself...

This is the pain I feel inside...this is the pain that surrounds my heart...does no one else feel it....??