Regrets....

Ressa Herlambang - Menyesal

" Love is what I used to write about...now I don't feel it anymore...my mistake....my regrets... "

The end...

The end has come... I feel so betrayed...only misery fills my mind. I don't know how much more I can take this... Got to talk to Ms Angel, she wanted to say her final goodbyes...after some time, she broke the news to me...apparently she's been going out with another colleague of mine...it's been going on for the last year or so...shocked, I kept silent most of the time, with nothing more than a short "bye"...I hung up and switched off my phone. Maybe she could hear the pain in my voice...last I heard her say was "pleease..." then I ended the call. Sitting alone here...I'm so helpless and I can't help think how betrayed I feel. ' Lost ' is but an understatement... I thought I knew her...I thought she belonged to me...I thought she would never lie to me. She made me believe I had her...I gave her my time, my heart, yet she broke it into pieces. Lied, cheated, tricked and fooled thoughts are going through my mind with no end. This hurt will turn into hate...and her words will no longer mean anything to me. Why is it that the ones you love always end up hurting you instead??!

This feeling of betrayal leaves me unable to breath...A million words cannot describe the depth of pain I'm in...I just want to scream out till it's all gone, but whats the use??! I think to myself...why me? I think of the good times we had...and the mistakes I've made...all unforgettable memories. I'm alone again...and nothing cam take away this pain. I don't need any sympathies now...it only feeds the sadness I'm in. It's time to live my life alone...

Berpisah....

Dygta feat. Nita - Berpisah....

" It's time to let go...time to let go of love that does not belong to me.... "

Lies....

My life is just a lie... Do they know how it is, like when you tell people you're okay...but actually you really want to die inside ??! Many words have been spoken...most of them lies... The expression on my face, the one that all can see...it shows little of what I feel and what I'm going through...

Waking up everyday... I tell myself a lie, just to keep my hopes alive... like '' Today's going to be a better day...life will be as it used to be... and everything will be alright...?! " . When in truth... " Today's going to be worse...life will change...and nothing will ever be right! ". The pain inside me is starting to numb... another false sense of reality suffered.

Whats wrong with me ??! Why am I like this ??! How do I say what I need to say? Questions...questions in my mind...I feel so betrayed by them. Missing Ms Dragon is not good for my self esteem...Missing Ms Angel is not good for my soul... I thought I had a normal life...normal relationships...but since they're gone from my life, my world is crashing around me... Perhaps I'm the truth they'll never see...and the lie that they'll always remember...

To be....

I still miss her...I'm still thinking of her...I'm still hurting because of her...Ms Dragon will be my end. Even the Ms Angel did hurt me this way, with her I was just more miserable. Is this how it feels to be with some one you can't have...or is this just a phase I have to brave myself through... Dare I use the L word ?? Am I in love with her... it's a big step, a huge commitment I suppose...

What am I feeling, is it love at all...?? The only thing I want now... is to hear her words that can steal my heart and make me forget about whatever I've known in this world... to let me hold her all day long as if time stood still...to make me feel loved when I feel hated... Yes, this is how I'm feeling now...but they'll never come true...all hope is lost. Ms Dragon is not mine to hold...

My sincerest apologies...maybe everyone is tired of reading my words... I can't help it, lost as it may sound... I've fallen and I can't recover from losing her...

Kesempatan Kedua....

" Second chances.... an equal opportunity to right the wrongs before... another way to redeem yourself... a new beginning..."

Moving on....

Another day...I find myself alone... Another day without hearing her voice, seeing her face... Miss Dragon is still on my mind...I can't help it, I miss her. I wonder if she's thinking of me too?? Maybe I should just let it be... maybe I should let her go from my life and walk away... I should forget about her and move on in life, without her...It's always easier said than done or forgotten in my case. I don't know...I just don't expect all the lies and pain to go away anytime soon. But it's time I pull myself together...we're both in different worlds. They say time will heal all wounds...well that's wrong! The more I wait for her...the more I realise time hurts as much as it heals...I'm silently broken inside...I hope she knows that...

My dreams show no signs of coming true...I know I've lost her...I have to move on...I just can't wait for the rest of my life... For the days that have come and gone...one thing still remains the same... I'm still alone...

Rather....

What I'd rather be doing now?... I'd rather ride my bike and be a fool... than stay indoors another minute, locked up in here bored and all... I'd rather be out in the heat of the sun than spend another minute on the sofa flipping channels on TV. *sigh* A whole lot of other things I'd rather be doing than being in this condition of mine... It's about time everyone knew... I'm unwell... and I had to go away to get myself fixed, now it's recovery time... 4 weeks of recovery that is... so having minimal movement associated with pain and boredom can really be frustrating for a guy. No one knows the pain I had to go through...but it just had to be done and I blame no one but myself. Nuff said. Hence the missing posts two weeks back.

Switched on my phone this morning, received about 20 texts or so...all from Ms Dragon and Ms Angel, wondering where I am?? What's wrong with me?? I guess they too are frustrated with how I've been lately... I don't have the words to reply them...I don't know what to say at all, maybe it's better this way?? I hope they will forgive me one day. They're on mind...Ms Dragon has left...Ms Angel will be leaving...I just feel lost without them. I don't know how I will face the day when reality wakes me...when Ms Angel finally leaves my sights. I don't know what I'm looking for from them... it just isn't there?? Why do I keep all this pain inside...Why do I suffer alone...I don't know...I don't know...I have no answers....?? I just know I can't have everything I want...not now..not ever.

Love is losing it's meaning to me...it's lost it's sincerity...words are spoken, misunderstood...and unbelieved, only empty truths and complicated illusions remain. Maybe I've changed now...I'm so lost in this whole thing I'm going through... I look into the mirror...I hate what looks back... I feel worthless....

Dreams....

I'm home...finally. I'm tired of living out of a bag...sleeping in a bed not mine and waking up to a strange mornings. I don't know how long I'll be back...I hope it'll be awhile before I leave again, but then...tomorrow is always a new struggle of hopes & dreams. Ms Dragon is gone...she left before I could return...before my eyes could see her for the last time...before I could tell her the way I feel about her. I have only said those words to her in my dreams...they seem so real... Why is it that in my dreams, I can feel her...touch her?? Why does she smile and look at me like in reality...?? Why does she torture me in my dreams about the things I miss about her...?? Tossing and turning...I'm dreaming with a broken heart...It's more than what I can take...It's seems she's in my thoughts and dreams every night...I can't sleep...so I stay awake and wonder.

Waking up is the hardest thing...my eyes feels as if their burning...I can never let go of her in my mind...the sound of her voice...the feeling of her hand in mind...I don't want it to be over. But dreams have to end...only to continue the next time I close my eyes... It's painful to relive the same dream every night...to let go of the person you miss most...over and over again. I hope she knows how I feel about her not being in my life anymore...I hope she understands what I did was best for the two of us...a silent goodbye holds a thousand words... Dreaming of her is torturing me...isn't once enough for her to break my heart...

Bye...bye...

Say no goodbyes....

Love and pain...an inseparable combination... where there is love, pain will follow. There is no escape...only surrender. I'm away again...this time on personal matters. Yes, I'm on leave from work for a month or so...finally able to tear myself away from the daily humdrums of the office. It's also the only way to get away from the two ladies, just to fade away from their lives, without any goodbyes...

I need time on my own, actually I'm going away by myself...no one else besides my family knows where I'm going...Ms Angel, Ms Dragon knows not my destination... and I plan to keep it that way. Like I said before...I just want to vanish away from their lives... I hate goodbyes... It's best I avoid the pain of them leaving when I'm around.

I wonder what will they think of me for leaving all of a sudden...or maybe they won't look for me at all??!! who knows...I just want to be away from it all. It's not easy to let go of people you love...it's not easy to see them walk out of your life. If I had to choose between the both of them, I guess it would be Ms Dragon...I don't know why only now I've made my choice, but I do know now what I want. I regret not making it earlier...I regret not telling her that I want her to be a part of my life, I'm just too proud to admit it. I'm not in the business of ruining other people's relationships, so losing her maybe the hardest thing I have to do. I can't believe that in such a short time I've known her...she showed me that happiness doesn't have to come from the heart. It can be showed in other captivating ways...ways that no one can realise...often only take for granted. I'll miss her...the way she smiles at me..the way she talks to me...and the way she cares for me. Nothing is perfect in this life...and no one can have it all, just remember that...