Dicintai....

Ari - Dicintai tuk' disakiti

" pergi dan jangan kembali...ku ingin sendiri..."

Hanya kau....

Aizat - Hanya kau yang mampu...

Prisoner....

I am a prisoner of her heart...there are far too many memories to let go...chained and bound to the love in my heart, I do and don't want them to stop...it is the only joy I can remember in my life...a tortured reality I've created for myself. I don't know how to move on...Ms Dragon has me in the palm of her hand...She's constantly with me here, I need my space...I need to breath...I'm suffocating from her intimacy...why? I don't know why...?? Maybe her true colors are beginning to unfold, my deepest desires and dreams of her are nothing like this...her lips aren't as sweet as they used to be...her smile used to be so sincere...I don't see that in her anymore... Is the grass really greener on the other side??

My life is becoming too unpredictable...as if my life has to revolve around hers...she's forcing herself onto me too willingly, it's sickening. I want to be alone... to gather my thoughts and find my passions... I feel so lost... I need to get away...

Smiles....

Behind this smile of mine…is a longing for affection...a desire that I know will never be fulfilled. A longing that becomes real only when in my dreams. Behind my smile…is a dream that I pray will never end...a false reality that will always be... filled with false hopes that I look forward to. Behind my smile... what's left is my heart…shattered over and over again in aspirations of something I know I will never have... never have to hold, never have to love and never will ever be. I don't know how to get the message across...a part of me wants her...another part of me wants to avoid the pain. She's here when I get back from work...and stays till I awake...what is she trying to do to me...??

Unexpected....

How do you expect the unexpected...? It’s come to a point, Where I don’t know what to expect anymore. No idea who to run to, A month ago I was a mess...because all day I’d think of her. Now I sit back with relief...a feeling which comforts me. I've made my decision to be alone for now...I don't need any distractions...I want to carry on with my life...meet new people and maybe try new things...but I guess my choices are short-lived for now...

It started this morning...not something that I would expect on a Sunday...I'm usually in bed till noon...but today I was unexpectedly woken up by the constant ringing of my doorbell...dragging myself out of bed...and walking to the door eyes wide shut, I was thinking to myself who could this be...I wasn't expecting anyone this early....I opened my door, to my surprise it was Ms Dragon!? Shocked and confused...I let her in as if I was dreaming about it...sleepy as I was speechless...she led me in hand back to my bed and apologised for waking me up so early. I asked her what she was doing back here?? She smiled and cheekily said " to see you...silly...what else..??! ". What I meant was...what was she doing back in Brunei...she explained that she had two weeks off her study program...so she decided to come home. Lying there...trying to make sense of the confusion building up in my mind...I guess while she was comforting me...I must have dozed off, seeing that I only had a few hours sleep....I don't remember anything else after that...

Waking up later in the afternoon...I tried too make sense of it all...was it real that she was back? I was still in a confused state...kinda just spent the whole afternoon wondering what had happened...was it a dream...it just seemed so real. Come 5pm...I was getting ready for Sungkai...the doorbell rang again...Ms Dragon came over again with some food, I guess she remembered that I was fasting. Trying not to look surprised...I kinda just smiled and let her in.

I wonder why this is happening to me now...it's so unreal...did I trigger something inside...when I told her I had met someone else...Did she feel threatened by that?? I don't know...I hope I get the answers soon... Having her here with me all to myself is something I've always wanted...but not now...why? I have no idea...like I said before...how do you expect the unexpected ??

Cinta Kita....

Teachers Pet - Cinta Kita

My all time favorite song...it reminds me that when I find my true love...it will be forever....

Torn....

It is said that happiness comes to those who waits...or something like that??! I've gone through the hurt...the pain...the suffering and a multitude of tantrums...but things never seem to be working out for me...nothing usually is in my favour...it never usually is... Throughout my life, I've accepted the fact that I shouldn't keep my expectations high...I shouldn't get my hopes up...it helps me avoid all the ugliness of broken dreams... I'm at a cross-roads, I'm in a dilemma...I thought I've found my happiness again...only to be unexpectedly ruined again... I think I've lost the feeling to love...I have no heart to give...

It all started a few days ago...I spoke to MsDragon...I had to let her know...I wanted her to hear my words...it was time to end this affair. Little did I know what to expect after that...I thought she would understand, but I was wrong...now I'm caught in a dilemma...I feel trapped. I told her that I had met someone...that I was happy again, she didn't want to hear of it...she confessed that after our last weekend...she's made up her mind, she's leaving her bf and moving out on her own. MsDragon has made her choice to be with me...she's coming home after she finishes her study program in Oz...sometime in December. I was speechless...how do I move on now?? Should I stay or should I go...?? My mind is made up to be alone, but after this I'm having mixed feelings now... Who do I choose...I feel torn on what to do between the two hearts... Torn to choose over one another... Thinking about all the good times we shared...and the bad times that occurred...still I'm torn between the two...

Pernah....

Ferhad - Pernah (live)

" Aku pernah... "

Since then....

It's been a very busy day...and being in the month of Ramadhan, one has to practice patience with almost everything... I just spoke to Tengku S...she's doing fine back in KL, busy with work too...she also has me on her mind...I told her the feeling is mutual...sad thing is, we only had a day together...I suppose we didn't count on falling for each other...did we??!! But, I'm thankful for the wonders of modern technology...she is just 'a press of a button' away...we constantly chat over MSN...also texting via SMS...and lately, video chat via Skype...to satisfy our feelings for each other.

On the day I had to leave KL, she took time off work to send me to the airport...since my flight was late in the afternoon...we spent most of the morning at the airport cafe...just talking, enjoying each others company...she jokingly kept on dropping hints to make me stay another day...but I had to be home for the start of Ramadhan...it's been a tradition of mine to spend the first day of sungkai with my family. I could tell that the look in her eyes were saddened to see me leave...but her smile assured me that she was strong enough to let me go...I promised her that she'll see me again...soon she hopes. It's been only a day...but it felt as if we've known each other longer than that, we seemed so comfortable together...could this be our true feelings blossoming between us...or could this just be sudden infatuation...??!! Let's just let time decide for us...no sense in rushing everything right?! Before entering the departure hall...we said our goodbyes...I still remember her smile...I guess she was trying hard not to lose it and break a tear...she gave me a long hug and whispered in my ear..." Thank you for coming to meet me...but I wish you didn't have to leave me...". I was speechless...her words were so sincere...I only smiled at her...saying she'll definitely see me again...

Arriving home...mum & sis met me at the airport...and of course the first question asked was... "How was it?...Do you like her?...etc...etc " ...I just grinned and said it was OK...that she was nice... and that I had a great time... I didn't want to sound too excited...it's too early, I don't want to give her any ideas...I don't want to give her any false hopes. I want to take it slow...one step at a time...It's too soon for me to be committed to anyone...for now...

Tengku....

I'm sitting here...thinking of you...thinking of how badly I want to be there with you. That is my only wish...and for that wish to come true, I'd do anything for it... How I wish you were here...I love the feeling of having you around me...your company...your touch and your words...makes me feel wanted. Your presence makes everything better...while your smile shines through my darkest days...you're sweet laughter makes me want you more...You're constantly on my mind...I'm starting to miss you now.

Missing is a strange thing...something I never thought I would ever feel again... It's a pain, A constant longing that never goes away. I feel so empty...I feel alone, I only want to be with you now. I wish I could see you...If only for 5 minutes, it would make me the happiest person on earth...I want you here, I need you here...I'm missing you...

Cinta Begini....

" Akhirnya kita harus memilih satu yang pasti...mana mungkin terus jalani cinta begini..."

I'm letting go of my pasts...there's no eternity with them, only uncertainty and false hopes...forgive me for being this way...