Regrets...

The world is full of lies, is there any honesty at all... I'm still looking for my happiness, what more in life can one look forward too?? I am but a fool living with false hopes and a victim of sweet promises in what used to be a hopeless relationship. Is this what I deserve for all the things I have done for her... Is this my reward for all the love I have given her?? It's better to leave me alone after this... the love inside me is gone because of her, I'm scared I may not trust anyone else with my feelings anymore...

I used to get lost in my thoughts by thinking of how life would be if she were really mine... now, my heart just freezes each time I remember the words she's whispered to me, I end up being consumed by regret each time I hear her name. She was cruel to lead me on with empty promises... I blame myself for falling for someone like her, I ignored all the rules... now I'm paying the price in misery. It was my fault for not realising the bitter truth of what was happening between us... I was just too deaf with eagerness to love her...

Clueless...

It's been a long hard day at work, I'm looking forward to the long weekend.... I think I'll just stay in and catch up on some much needed 'lazy therapy' . Ms Angel is still away, so the situation is still the same... life is quiet for now. She did MSN me, asking me how I was? I didn't mean to be cruel, but I couldn't bring myself to answer her... I hesitated... I wanted her to know how hurt I am still and that nothing she says will make me feel better. I dread the day she comes back to work, I don't know if I have the strength to face her... It's the confrontation bit that I can't handle. I wonder if she feels the same way too??

Looking back, I realise that love from me was a one-sided feeling, I gave her my all, but she gave me nothing but empty promises and false hopes... I will never forgive her for that.

" Happy Independence Day " everyone .... enjoy the long weekend....

Feelings...

It's not even the end of the day, and I'm already depressed as it is.... I hate this. when I'm depressed... I look miserable. when I look miserable, the whole office notices and unnecessery questions are asked.... If asked, I usually have no answers and end up walking away in silence. I don't know why, I guess I have a lot on my mind and I temporarily avoid my issues by diving myself in my work. It's only afterwards, on my drive home... my 'issues of life & love' would slowly, but surely sink back in.

I'm starting to miss Ms Angel again, even when I tell myself that it's over. I keep telling myself her love for me was only temporary, that she's not meant to be mine. So much conflicts within me.... I've made my choice to be alone, a very painful choice.... something that will leave a scar inside, but nonetheless a healthy choice for my soul and I should follow it, no matter how much I think of her. Letting someone go is never easy... Regreting the choice to let go is even harder. Sometimes while just sitting in my office, and the thought of 'her' appears... I just feel like crying it out... just to let go of all those memories of her, thats how weak she makes me. I hope she realises that someday... if it matters.

Anyway, I'm trying to cope with all thats happening around me, and trying to be a little optimistic for the next day... maybe things will work out for me tomorrow... maybe I'll be able to love someone again... looking past all this sadness I'm in... maybe.....

Dazed....

I enjoy my long drive home from work... it gives me time to reflect on stuff that happened during the day, and apart from the madness at the work, I haven't heard of Ms Angel since I walked out of her office that day, I heard she's away for the week, some kinda meeting...somewhere?!. Time apart is good, for the both of us. I just hope she is coping well... I pray she doesn't do anything she'll regret, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

I've been feeling miserable the past few days, probably attributed by Ms Angel, the bad weather and the never-ending workload. Ms Dragon has been making more appearences in my office again... I think she notices how miserable I look, but dares not ask why. She's trying hard to get my attention, she's trying her best to gain my affection... she doesn't know I'm on the rebound. I keep telling myself not to fall for her, though I must say she is HOT! And any guy would need to be blind for not being attracted to girl like her. she's got a smile to make any guy look twice and a body that every guy will thank 'god' for creating!!... haha

I'm not the type to "kiss & tell" so I suppose no one else in my life will ever know what I'm going through now. I've always kept my feelings to myself, so suffering in silence is my guilt. I'm thankful that I'm able to blog my thoughts anonymously... otherwise life would be so unbearable with all these tantrums I'm going through... I'm tired... I need my sleep now...

Choices....

An interesting turn of events today and not just because it's valentine's day. Got to the office today,expecting the same routine but unexpectedly got a shock instead... It's a wake up call to my system and I don't think I'll ever get over it...

The director walked into my office this morning for to sort out some issues and then decided that there should be some collaboration of minds to help solve a problem. Fast forward to 10am and a meeting was called. I was emailed the details and had to prepare some info for the meeting... so being caught up in my work I failed to notice what Ms Angel was up to... not that I cared, but it was always safe to know where she was so we wouldn't run into each other as not to complicate an awkward moment. Well, just my luck... the director paired me up with Ms Angel to handle some issues of the problem faced. How awkward is that?? How do I get myself out of this I thought?? No room for excuses here... orders are orders... and any apprehension is unacceptable. The meeting was soon over and Ms Angel suggested we work in her office since the majority of the files were with her. I just gave her a gentle nod but did not obligate myself to saying anything to her, I didn't want to break the silence. I didn't even want to look at her... I had to stand my ground and stick to my guns... I was starting to feel hopeless again.

After much hesitation and with a head full of conflicting thoughts, I finally got to drag myself to Ms Angel's office. I could see that she was uneasy about it, but I do commend her for trying her best to keep me comfortable around her. I just sat there... silently, reading through the files while only using nods and slight gestures to keep words between us at a minimum... but from the corner of my eye I could see her sitting beside me... staring at me as if she wanted to say something, waiting for that right moment. It was so hard for me not to look at her... I wanted so much to look at her, tell her that I miss her so much... There was so much I wanted to say to her... It just kills me to know that I can't and wouldn't. We were close but yet so far from one another... If only I was a mindreader, I wish. I guess the stress finally got to her... she grabbed my hand from beneath her desk and kinda said something like " why are you like this to me ??" I looked at her with so much emptiness, my lips felt as if they were glued shut... I just told her to get over me, forget me... forget about us. It's over... then I just walked away... I said all that with a heavy heart... I wonder if I did the right thing?? Will I regret it?? I'm confused and lost... I'm starting to hate myself now.

Today is Valentine's Day... since we've known each other, I would send her flowers ever year... except for today. I know I've hurt her feelings with my decision... I didn't mean to be cruel to her... I'm weak... I'm stubborn... I'm hurt...

Waiting...

I sense that she is losing her patience with me... I feel that the sorrow for her has settled in... I can see it in her eyes, the way she stares at me. I know she's trying hard not to show her loss, but I know her too well. She's trying to grab my attention with every move she makes, she wants me to go to her... I can feel it with every pounding heartbeat.

Last night, while on the treadmill, I started to think about the good times we shared... the good moments I mean. I'm doing my best not to wander back into her arms... maybe it's just my way of letting go... but slowly. I wondered to myself if ever she was really mine to begin with?? I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that now... I don't think I can handle the truth anyway, too painful. I've ever promised myself if ever I met the right person that she would be the only one love in my heart and I would promise her that I'd take care of her till the end of my days. It may seem naive and unrealistic to some, but I'm an old fashioned romantic... and it doesn't take so much for a woman to convince me... so there. I'm just thankful I never made those promises yet... maybe it's just not meant to be for now... maybe it's just not my time...

Drifting away....

Actually, I don't know what I should write about today... status quo still the same... Ms Angel still seems not bothered, but maybe I did ruffle some feathers... she seems a bit disturbed today, maybe a little upset...I don't know... I want to change... I still want to forget her. She did text me last night because I wouldn't return her calls... I'm not bothered... I don't care anymore... I just told her to leave me alone... I hope she respects my decision.