Pause in time....

Greetings...it's been a while...remember me? Life has been on hold for me quite a while,guess work issues have kept me tied down to my desk...though I do wonder each time , when will i ever get to update my blog...when o' when??! Anyway I'm finally on holiday now, yes i have 3 weeks off from work and I intend to enjoy it to the fullest...indeed!! So what's been happening lately....hmmm..updates on the highlights of my life...err...'She' is no longer apart of my life..however she's still stuck in my mind like a salesman who gets his foot jammed in your front door...always there,never wanting to go till he makes a sale!..driving me nuts! I reckon she feels the same way too..but she just can't commit...and I'm just too fed up.

My parents are back too...they decided to spend the Raya season away from here, leaving yours truly to hold down the fort,yes it was chaotic maintaining the responsibilities of home and work..never again.

I've been persuaded by a mate to join up on 'Facebook'....finally...it's cool,somewhat addictive but in a way...kinda shows a different side to someone whom you thought was the exact opposite. Kinda realise after doing a search, that yeah, I do have some 'friends' in this lonely planet.. I'm wondering how I'm gonna spend my holiday now, planning to do some travelling...but on the other hand...staying at home doing nothing sounds just fine...I dunno..lets see...as you may know, everything and anything still depends on one's mood.

Heard on the Astro channel that there's gonna be a mega-concert in KL at the end of the month..sounds cool, maybe I should go..it's been a while since i travelled alone on holiday...gosh I sound like such a loser...*sigh* Elliot Yamin will be performing 'wait for you' there...nice...

Promises....

I'm back again...and yes, still no time to post anything to my blog...Again it feels great to be home and see the family. It feels great to see 'her' too. Time apart can be good for some people, especially those stuck in limbo on whether their actually going out or not...you know what I mean, major flirting without the major commitment sorta thing.

Well, about my trip, the hotel I was staying in was supposed to have internet access, and it did. Unfortunately, it wasn't free and to access, it costs an arm & a leg. I'm grateful that the office had wi-fi, at least I was able to chat with 'her' via my phone. Being apart has helped us both learn more about each other, since what we have is so low key, we don't even talk in the office,like complete strangers. This was a mutual thing so as to not raise any eyebrows. There came a point during our separation where she would continuously text me, saying she missed me... it made me smile and I appreciate the attention.

Ramadhan is closing in, and one has to practise patience...something I regret to say that I don't have, but will try to achieve. 'She' by the way is non-muslim but still respects my religion and understands my way of life, for that makes me want to be with her more.....

Mind the Gap....

Have been caught up with my work here lately, I'm just too busy to miss home....It's 2am here and I'm wondering what 'she' is up too? I did send her a text message, just to keep in touch and all. Ok...Ok, it was just another lame reason for me to tell her that I did miss 'her'. Anyways, the weather has been cold & wet since I got here, I have not seen the sun, nor have I felt any heat from it. Winter showers suck big time! This should give anyone reading this an idea to my whereabouts..if interested.

For the past few days, I've had her constantly on my mind, deep thought maybe. I held myself back from texting her...probably just curious on who will text who first. Guess I lost because I could wait any longer, sent her a text message around midnight here... back home she would have just started work... let's see if she replies instantly. Message sent 2:18AM

Message received 2:26AM " Would it make you smile, If I said that I do miss you? "

Yes, she did put a smile on me, I didn't expect that sort of a reply. It's the "I do... " that's the icing on the cake. I dare not reply...Let's just wait and see, what lies for me tomorrow. I maybe tired, hungry and cold, but just knowing that I'm in her thoughts is enough to keep me warm.

Life goes on...

Another Saturday afternoon spent chilling at one of my favourite watering hole...and yes, I'm alone..no entourage here. This whole saga between me and 'her' is really an endless story to which an ending does not seem any close. Hmm..does that sound right??! I 'm rambling again. Anyways, we were supposed to meet up...however she had to stray away to a few commitments, leaving your truly by himself. *Sigh* what else is new.

I've been scrolling through my older posts.... It did somehow put a light smile to my face, reading back on how much pain I was in a while back. Thinking if whether I would get through it all etc... I wonder where has it all gone? Am I stronger now or am I just being ignorant? All I know is that I still miss her...I hope she does feel the same way too.

I was surfing on LL's blogspot, I do enjoy a good read from her but lately she hasn't put up any posts?? LL where are you ?? Another blog favourite of mine is 'cintaislove' , maybe some guys don't have to suffer alone...

I'll be away again tomorrow on work commitments for about a week, but this time I'll be able to update my blogs more regularly since the hotel I'll be staying at has free wi-fi, way cool. Currently, it's raining heavily here, its the type of weather where one would stay indoors and cuddle up with a loved one. if only.... if only...

It's all good...

Had dinner with 'her' the other day, it's all good. We worked out the mysteries between us... it seems that she too can't tell what I'm feeling. She was afraid that she had hurt my feelings and didn't know how to deal with it. The sad thing is, she's not sure of her feelings for me, I guess the 'zing' has died down between us...her words, not mine. I told her how much I missed her and how miserable I've been. Talked about a few things too, but no long term commitments discussed. I mentioned to her about how I started blogging to vent my feelings, you know, like keep track of what has happened to me and was paranoid that she had found out about it. She eagerly asked me what the site address is, but I stood my ground on keeping this blog a secret. Anonymity is a powerful tool, if used properly that is.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time, make my life like it was before..my happy times. Yes, I wish I could...For now, I'm content on getting my life with 'her' back on track, but I'm still not expecting much, nope..I'm trying not to deal in more disappointments. it's just too painful.

Home Sweet Home....

Finally, I'm back home... It's been a while since I posted my last blog. I've been away on work commitments, for about 2 weeks. Seriously, it's the first time I've been to country where the internet service is only available in government offices and 5-star hotels. Not even wi-fi at any leading cafes... each time I asked if they had wi-fi, the barista kept asking what kind of drink it was??... Hence the lack of blogging... I really suffered from internet withdrawal syndrome there..??!

Anyway, I got back last Thursday and am only supposed to start work fresh on Monday. But knowing me, I just had to stop by at the office on the pretense of looking for some stuff I needed. It was a good feeling to be in the office environment, it felt welcoming...little did I remember that 'she' would be there...As soon as I reached my table I could see her face light up as if she had seen a ghost. Maybe it was an unexpected reaction, but nonetheless it was a surprise. For an instant I thought to myself that it's just me, she doesn't feel anything for me anymore...or does she??

I received an sms shortly after that...It was from 'her' it read " It's good to see that your finally back.... you look great.... I missed you!! ...." I was not expecting that from 'her' . I was not expecting anything at all, I gave up on 'her'...I'm over her...I guess I was wrong. All those memories i left behind, soon came flooding back....my shoulders never felt so heavy with distress. Some of my colleagues had come over for a chat, you know, asking the usual stuff about my trip. I could feel her eyes fixed on me from behind.. I hated that...it's like someones got a gun pointed to your back and you're powerless to do anything.

I left in a hurry after that, so much mixed emotions inside me...should I be happy...should I be angry...I just don't know what to feel. I had to get outta there. while walking towards my car, I could hear someone calling out to me from behind, I turned, it was 'her'. she asked why I was in such a rush to leave, I just mumbled something out in panic while trying to get my car door open. next thing I knew she got inside with me, my worst fears had come to haunt me. What am I supposed to do now?? She started by asking me stuff about my trip...general stuff...then she dropped the bomb by saying "you didn't reply my message...so you don't miss me issit??" I told her, I did miss her and that I've never stopped feeling that way about her. I guess that made her day, she held my hand after that. I never would have guessed it would turn out this way, I suppose absence does make the heart grow fonder. I'm just confused about the feelings I have for her or hers towards mine. she suggested that we meet up for dinner later to do some catching up on lost time between us. I agreed, hoping that it'll answer so many mysteries between us.

I'm feeling happier now while writing this post, nothing can wipe this grin I have. I just hope it'll last this time. I'm just too tired to be hurt now... and too hurt to be expecting much tonite. let's see how things go...maybe it'll be a happy ending after all... who knows....

Letter to her...

Dearest '.....'

I really don't know where to start... it's not easy for me, but I hope you understand the things I have to say. I wish I can tell you that I'm feeling better each day, but we both know that's not true. I hate how much I care about you and I do admit that I really miss you, even though I know these feelings are usually in vain. There's just so much that has happened between us that time cannot erase, forgetting about it hurts so much because you had my heart. I really can't explain why I need you and why I just can't let you go, but it feels like everyday I've died. Do you still think about me at all? You never tell me how you feel, when you look at me, I have to look away because I don't want you to see all this pain inside me. The situation doesn't seem fair to us both and I keep asking myself, how do I move on..??

Letting you go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Some may say being in a relationship is so hard, but to me the hardest thing really, is being alone....

Joe Black