New day....

Everyday is a new beginning... true as it may sound...sometimes I feel like my life is being recycled...same feelings different day??

Today, Ms Dragon seemed a bit more happier than usual...more smiles and more cheerful winks...I got an e-mail from her, thanking me for such a wonderful time she had and that we should do something together soon. She did her occasional rounds to my office, it felt great to be the center of attention for someone again, but I do wish it came from Ms Angel instead... I still miss her badly. It's not that I'm ungrateful...I just don't feel for Ms D the same way I do for Ms Angel...at least not at the moment that is...maybe I'm still on the rebound. Maybe it's just my destiny to love somebody and not be loved in return. It doesn't matter to me anymore if she's not mine, as long as she's happy in her new life... I've kept all these feelings trapped deep inside me for too long, I'm just waiting for the day till she decides to open her heart to me...but I know that day will never come. I wonder when will happiness be mine again...

I've tried to make sense of it all till I can't comprehend the meaning of this pain inside me anymore...even when it's already over between us. Every night...in my sleep, I still dream of our times together...of us together...I feel so much joy, which suddenly turns to pain when I wake to realise it's not true...why did she have to leave me this way...??

Dinner...

My apologies for the delayed update, I have been swamped with work since Monday...only coming home to sleep off a massive headache. Anyway, I 'm well enough today... I swear...12 hours sleep will cure the biggest of headaches! I guess everyone must be wondering how my night was with Ms Dragon?? Well, it went well...just like how I imagined it to be... I was still in the middle of cooking dinner when Ms Dragon showed up, I made something simple, nothing fancy...just salad & pasta...nothing that could fill her tummy full, otherwise both of us would be sleepy when it was time to watch the movie. Anyway, it was the first time that we were together after work hours...felt a bit weird for me to have another woman over at my flat besides Ms Angel and I had to constantly remind myself that it was a 'friendly' thing...nothing more. While waiting for the food to cook, I showed Ms dragon around my flat, I guess she was more interested in my bed because that was the first thing she wanted to see?? or was it my bedroom...I can't recall, I only remember her saying..." so, this is where the magic happens right?? " My eyes rolled wide, surprised with such a remark, I wittingly replied to her that the magic usually happens in my toilet because that's where I do my thinking the most *wink*. That really cracked her up. Fast forward to after dinner, when we just started to watch the movie...I kept my distance from her... I parked myself on the floor and gave her the best seat in the house...my sofa that is. I think she wasn't expecting that from me. It didn't seem right for me to cuddle up with her on the sofa, I didn't want to give her the wrong impression of me on the first date. I didn't want her to think I was easy too. I suppose, one has to have their limits set... nothing is free and easy in this world...everything has a price and can only be earned...not given. I could feel a slight disappointment in her voice, maybe she was looking forward to finally getting her hands on me. Midway through the movie...after much persuasion from her, I found myself beside her on my sofa...this time her arms around me and her tongue on my neck! Tempting as it was, i didn't give her the opportunity to go further... I told her kindly that I'm just not ready to go that far with her. I'm glad she understood and respected my wishes...otherwise it's another friendship messed up. Ms Dragon stayed on till the early hours of the morning...we talked, talked and talked about stuff in our lives and where it's taking us. So, all in all...it was a good night for the both of us. Honestly, I'm feeling guilty now...it's like I'm cheating on Ms Angel when she's not around...

Finding myself...

I'm taking time off work now, I need to find myself...I need to get my life back on track...I'm a total wreck at work...I'm no good to anyone when damaged. I've been keeping myself occupied with cleaning my flat...it's way past due, last clean-up was by Ms Angel. She's been on my mind too often lately...I guess it's time I pack away any and every memorabilia of her... I seem to be surrounded by them, little bits and pieces that remind me of her...of us mostly. It's not that I want to completely forget her, I wish it were that simple. I just have to temporarily put her out of my mind...till I get my life back...till I'm able to find myself again...until then, I need to cope with her absence...

Another good reason for the general clean-up campaign is that, I've decided to invite Ms Dragon over for dinner and a movie...something to make up for all the rejections I've given her in the past. I don't know how or why I changed my mind about her...maybe I'm just lonely and looking for some company, though in no way would I compare her to Ms Angel...I don't think of her as second best...no way...she's somebody special to me in her own right, maybe that's what interests me about her. I do admit that there's some attraction between us, despite her daily flirting...I've made numerous attempts to get her to confess her infatuation...but she still admits that she just wants to see me smile more, it's the way she looks at me all the time that answers my questions in silence. It's too early to say anything...and I'm not in a rush to start another relationship at all, best to keep my status single for now...safer for me this way. I'll be keeping my distance, but let's see what happens...Ms Dragon will be here tomorrow... I hope the night goes well...for both of us.

Time...

It's time for a change in my life... I keep reminding myself that everyday...no more empty promises to myself... Time to take back control of my life, no more Ms Angel in my life...no more excuses... I'm sick to death of dealing with sadness till no end. It's not fair at all...life can be unfair and nobody seems to complain?? I'm in one of my moods today... where I just don't care anymore, I'm overwhelmed with tantrums, I wish I could be someone else sometimes...living a different life, a happy one that is...abandon all my worries & pains. It's not easy to change my ways, It's not easy to adjust from my normal routine, then again..that's if i choose to accept my change is another story?? what am I saying?? Ramblings again...I'm making no sense at all anymore, please forgive me...maybe I'm going nuts for nothing.

My life is a little chaotic at the moment...so many deadlines to meet at work...so many e-mails to answer...how I wish that time would just slow down for me...just once..please?? No news of Ms Angel, all I see when I look across to her office is the darkness...and the shadows of people passing by...how depressing is that for me. Ms Dragon has been round to see me more often than normal, even she e-mails more often than normal, sometimes just about trivial matters... I think she knows how unhappy I am and trying to do her bit in cheering me up, even though I just keep quiet about. Maybe she's forgiven me for not accepting her dinner & movie invitation, but I do commend her on her persistence in asking me out, despite previous rejections. Her advances are starting to grow on me...I feel more wanted now by her attention...should I consider myself available once more...or should I just wait for 'her' who will not return to me... another dilemma perhaps?? I still feel uneasy about her... somethings just not right with her...maybe it's just me, maybe I have 'trust issues' after Ms Angel??? I'm so insecure....

A Question...

How do you cure a broken heart?? I've been thinking about this question for sometime...but the answer forever eludes me...either that or I'm just too stubborn to accept my loss. It's the void feeling between falling in love and losing it, that's so unbearable...and both lovers will feel the same pain, it's how they choose to heal themselves that holds the answer... Some people may change their lifestyle...in hopes to discovering freedom that they have lost while in love, a new start to their life perhaps... Others may choose to isolate themselves from the world, hoping to ignore the burning pain of sadness in their mind. However, this doesn't normally work, been there...done that... I will end up thinking more about my lost love instead...wondering if we'll ever be together again, it backfires and makes me want her more...??! I'm going through that now...and I don't know when it'll end?? It makes me over-analyze everything in my life, retracing my steps leading to the break-up...thinking if I were to blame, if in fact I am at fault that is...I don't know. Maybe both of us were wrong somewhere...

I have to let go of my past before it's too late. My mind needs to be at peace with my soul...somehow...someway...and only then will I be able to accept this new reality of mine...

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

Empty....

I'm home now... feels good to be back in the warm weather, then again on the downside...life is lonely here without her. I'm still struggling with the jet-lag, my nights feel like days...and my days are full of darkness. I need more sleep...seriously...I don't feel like going to work tomorrow. How I wish, it's easier said than done...?!

My first day back at work...it felt so weird, I couldn't help but look at Ms Angel's empty office... I'm lost now that she's no longer around. I feel so empty inside...I've been this way ever since she left. We parted with painful memories and unspoken words...I feel guilty for being so mean. Will she ever find love in her heart to forgive me...?? Will emptiness be the only feeling in my heart??! She's in my thoughts again...I'm starting to miss her badly, when will this end....??

Another Day ...

A song which reminds me that tomorrow will be a better day....

Lost words....

I' m away from home again... stuck here in the cold, cold land of fish & chips and kebabs... Been keeping myself occupied with work and meeting up with my university buddies. I have been thinking about Ms Angel a lot lately... must be loneliness showing it's ugly thoughts again... By now she should be in the States already, but I did get an e-mail from her saying she'll be back next month to say her final goodbyes... makes no sense to me why one would say their goodbyes twice..?? Better to get it over once and for all... less tragic that way... for me that is...

I feel so much loss without her in my life now...more than I've felt before... it's like if there's no her, then there's no me?? make sense at all?? I'll let you be the judge of that... whoever you are, kind person reading my blog. This is what happens when you want someone you can't have so much... it's more than pain... it's an empty dark void that doesn't end. Nothing can describe it... and do you know what the hardest thing is about ?? It's facing it alone... seriously, no one should go through love like this... but let's face it, it's human nature to fall in love and get hurt in the end, it's unavoidable... everyone goes through it, there's no such thing as a happy ending...

Ramblings...ramblings... my words are but ramblings of the pain I feel inside. I have no way of venting this pain, my world is a silent one, no one knows the misery I feel and no one can cure the pain I'm in... I won't let them....

Silence ...

If silence does speak a thousand words... then I hope Ms Angel knows why I have been ignoring her the past few days. I haven't been blogging at all...been caught up in too much work lately, I feel she's keeping me in the office deliberately... maybe she's waiting to corner me to ask that awkward question about 'us'. The status quo is still the same, I pretend she doesn't exist... she pretends I don't exist... in short, we're both just too proud, stubborn and stupid. Things are too quiet between us... sometimes I wish that this was all over... It feels like my heart is being stabbed over and over...it's just too much hurt for me to handle...I hate the pain. I still miss her in my life and only god knows how patient I've been... I just hope strength will be mine to survive this. God willing...

Soon, Ms Angel will be going away... no longer will she be in my sights, nor will I be able to hear her soft sweet laughter... but most of all, I will miss her in my arms... it's the smell of her perfume that I shall remember her by, it'll always bring back intimate memories of us...the good times I mean. We were over, even before 'us' started... I wonder if she will ever feel the same way about me...?? I don't know, maybe ladies will always have a better way to deal with their emotions, better than men... It's because men tend to hide their feelings more often, till there's just no way of venting it out... unfortunately it's an unavoidable weakness for the male human mind, so please correct me If I'm wrong. I'm not in the right state of mind at the moment... things are just too messed up in my life....one way or another...