To all....

Gya - Semoga kau mengerti

To all... Have a good and full filling Ramadhan Mubarak...

Nice to meet you....

I'm in KL now... finally got to meet my 'blind-date'...the daughter of a family friend's acquaintance. I'll address her as ' Tengku S '...I gave her a call this morning, it seems she's been expecting my call and sounded excited to meet me...plus she has such a cute voice, very soft spoken and sincere...kinda aroused my interest too. I was more nervous rather than excited really...it didn't feel like butterflies were in my tummy, it was more like elephants stomping inside!? I was confused at why I was feeling this way...I don't know...maybe my mind has too many expectations and assumptions...it's human nature when you're about to expect the unexpected, right...I think...?? Anyway, noontime came...Tengku S said she would meet me at the hotel lobby, since I don't know how she looks like...I asked her at how would I recognise her?? She said...she knows how I look like and will surprise me??! How? I guess mum must have showed her a photo of me...something like that...that made me even more nervous! Well...she did come walking up to me and surprised me...caught off-guard...my nervousness gently faded and she was not what I had expected...she was of average height and build...really fair complexion...shoulder length hair...light blue eyes and a smile to leave anyone speechless?? Her mom is of eurasian-dutch descendant, hence her attributes...it took me a few minutes to come to my senses...yes, she was attractive...I think I was spellbound for a few seconds there...

Introductions aside...we decided to walk over to the Mall and look for a place to have lunch. On the way...we talked about the arrangement our mums had made for us...just to get a laugh over the awkwardness...it made the whole afternoon for us more comfortable after that. Over lunch, we got learn about each other...like what we did...what we like...the usual getting to know you routine basically...Tengku S is a doctor by profession, a paediatrician...because she loves children. She is in her mid twenties, great personality and loves to live for the moment...hence she can be pretty unpredictable actually. After lunch, we walked around the shops for awhile because I needed to get some shopping done...from what I can see, she's a good judge of character and opinionated too...she speaks her mind with confidence and has good taste of choice. In one of the shops, I let her choose a shirt for me...something casual, just to see if she could match my tastes. She was spot-on with her choice...it's like she read my mind...I was fascinated by the way we shared the same wavelength. Hours went by...it was time for us to part ways since she had to leave before getting caught in the infamous KL traffic-jam. Before leaving, she asked if we could meet up in the evening...there was a special place she wanted to take me to...somewhere she knows I've never been to...an experience I'll never forget she says..??! Being adventurous...I agreed, she said she'll text me the details of where to meet her. Seeing her walk away...I couldn't help but think...what if I didn't keep my promise to mum to meet her...it would have been such a loss for me...another regret to live with...

After being well rested for the evening, Tengku S texted me the details of the evening...directions to a club she wanted to meet me at and also to give her a call when I get there. Leaving the hotel with a head full of thoughts wondering where the night would lead to between us...but then again, I was still missing MsDragon... dilemma strikes at the wrong time...it kinda spoils my mood for the evening...I try not to let the guilt get to me...I wanna move on in life...could this be one of the struggles I'll be facing?? The taxi finally arrived at my destination...sure enough I was surprised by where I was...It was a club for sure, just not the one I imagined it to be. What did I get myself into...it was a salsa club...seriously I felt like jumping back into the taxi, in no way am I going be dragged to the dance floor by her. Too late...the taxi left already and there were none in sight...thought to myself to just go with the flow and give her a call. My call was answered instantly...it appears that she was waiting for me all along. She came out to meet me...I was speechless again...she was dressed as a Latin dancer...black halter neck dress with a thigh cut slit, her hair done up and all...it's another side of her I'm impressed with...she fits the part so well. She introduced me to her group of friends...her dance partners she says...a nice friendly bunch. I pleaded with her not to make me dance...since I'm the type with two left feet...clumsy that is. She smiled and said that she won't make me do what I wouldn't want to, but before the night is over...she wanted to have the last dance with me??!! So there I was, sitting in a booth facing the dance floor...She's a great dancer...so agile...she danced with so much passion in her steps. In between dances she would cosy up to me to ask me how I was doing...I think she could tell I was more nervous about the dancing bit and assured me not to worry about it...that everything will turn out fine.

The time finally came...she walked up to me...took my hand and pulled me to the dance floor. Unknown to me...it appears that the last dance of the club is always the slow dance to end the night...that I could do...she held me tight and we just enjoyed each others company from that moment on. It truly was and still is a night to remember after all...

Comme il se doit....

Marc Antoine - Comme il se doit ( loosely translated means ' In the right way' )

If you're not the one....

Daniel Bedingfield - If you're not the one...

If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am...

Homesick....

I'm still away...work commitments in Singapore now...I miss home...I miss my sofa...I miss the lonely nights just sitting on my balcony... Leaving Melbourne was easy...letting go of MsDragon wasn't...it never is. But, we had to go our separate ways...we had to carry on with our separate lives. Since she was leaving later...we said our goodbyes outside the hotel...the sadness in her eyes still haunts me each time I think of her, I end up feeling miserable...I miss her deeply. The days we spent together were filled with unforgettable moments...something that will always leave me smiling each time I think about it. It's what keeps me going for now...I have to focus...I have to move on with my life...though it's going to be a struggle...I know I'll get over her again...one way or another.

In keeping a promise, I'm taking a few days off work before Ramadhan starts...I'm leaving for KL to meet someone...someone I have never me before...yes, I'm going on a 'blind-date'... It's an arrangement made by mum...hesitant and unwilling as I am...I'll keep my promise to her...I have nothing to lose...only gain, if it works out...who knows right??! The only thing is that I don't believe in 'arranged courtings'...I think everyone should have the freedom of making their own choices...not their parents...then again...not everyone has the capacity of making their own decisions...I'm glad I can still make my own. I don't know how it's going to turn out...since I'm still on the rebound from MsDragon...perhaps I shouldn't expect much at all...in truth I'm a little nervous...yet excited, maybe this is just another way for me to divert my thoughts away from MsDragon...I don't know...I'm rambling again....another story saved for another day...

Useless....

What's the use...the more I turn myself away from her...the more I think of her...the more I want her... useless thoughts on my mind...no answers, just more questions. MsDragon finally showed up at my hotel room tonight...I was at a loss for words from the start, we both were...at first it was the small talk...little things were said, but there were more gestures in her touch. MsDragon is not the type to hide her feelings...she's more of the expressive type...so her actions spoke louder than words...I for one should know...sometimes she's much too affectionate for me...more than I can handle. I could tell that she wasn't completely over me...she didn't hesitate at all, not wasting a precious moment, she had her arms around me as if she found a long lost toy... how could I turn her away now...it felt so right to be in her arms, to have her whisper her words in my ear...I know I'm going to regret tonight...I know I'll be flying home with a broken heart, and a head full of messed up thoughts...

One thing has led to another...no words were said, but now I'm filled with guilt and regret. I'm weak, I surrendered myself to her, I couldn't say 'no' ...I didn't put up a fight... Life has been a struggle to forget her...it has been more painful to let her go...now I'll have to go through it again...why do I let her get away with it...?? I keep asking myself that over and over again...is she my weakness and my surrender?? I don't know...life is so full of unanswered questions...

I'm trying to put together the broken pieces of my confused thoughts for now...hopefully one day I'll be able make sense of it all...I'm writing this on the pretense of doing some unfinished work while she sleeps in the bedroom. I don't know what will happen tomorrow...I don't know what will happen next between us...but what I do know is that, what happened tonight felt good, I found happiness again...even if it was just for a while...

Melbourne....

It's cold here...very miserably cold...the snow is thick and slippery...I'm thankful I brought my winter gear along. Actually, I got an e-mail from MsDragon before I left...1 of her daily updates to me...asking me to bring my winter clothes along since it snowed heavily this week...being not surprised about it...she knew of my arrival here...I guess she still does have connections (aka spies) in the office still...I should be more careful from now on, not too leak any future travel info outside of my own department...safer that way for me. It's been a busy schedule since I got here...meetings...visits...consultations and dinners... the usual...all work and NO play travel. i hope i'll get some free time to myself soon...just for an afternoon 'chilltime' in the city would do...not much to ask for...I'm not the shopping type of traveller...more laid back instead.

Just read a recent e-mail from MsDragon...asking me how I've been...since my arrival here... i'm just itching to answer...but I hold myself back... I'm scared to think of what it'll lead to...another dissapointment I'm guessing. She said that she coming to Melbourne for a few days...she really wants to meet up with me at my hotel...yes...she knows where I'm staying too. How do I get myself out of it...the naive part of me misses her...but the sensible side of me says otherwise... I'm getting confused with myself now... I know I've ever mentioned that I'm not here to look for her...but never did I anticipate for her to look for me..??!! I don't think there's a big enough rock here, big enough for me to hide under...then again...Why should I hide?! Why should I run?! Why should I be scared?!...This is ridiculous!! I'm starting to contradict myself again...it must be the cold weather... I'm not myself...I have no control...I must be cautious...

I don't know what I'm going to do when she shows up at my door...I don't know what I'm going say when we're face to face once again...and I certainly don't know how I should feel when she's around me...maybe when the time comes I'll know...maybe that is... I'm just trying to be optimistic about it... I can't let her hurt me like before, no matter what happens...thats for sure...

The Loneliness....

Babyface - The Loneliness

Empty...

Something's been bugging me...I have that weird sense of emptiness today...like somethings just not right somewhere...It's starting to annoy me...I'm easily irritated...maybe I'm just too forgetful nowadays... too much work will do that to you... however I still don't consider myself a workaholic, but my friends tend to disagree with my assumptions. I guess I've got too much on my mind these past few weeks...it's taken a toll on my sense of reality. MsDragon has been on my thoughts too...I miss her dearly. Lately, I've been ignoring these feelings for far too long...keeping myself busy and all...but ignorance has it's limits... that's why memories usually last forever. I can't help but break a light smile every time I think about her...reminiscing about the past...like the first time she came for dinner at my flat. Good memories...that I'll always cherish...maybe it's what keeps me going for now, hanging on to my sanity. Quoting an avid reader (Guest B)..." Sometimes, what we like...we can't have it and only God knows why? " I agree, things do happen for a reason in our daily lives...be it good or bad... we just have to be patient in order to work things out...

Rubbing salt to the wound...mum has been hinting to me again... I've been avoiding the issue all this while... up till last night that is...she's trying to play cupid... trying to matchmake me in an attempt to settle me down. I know she means well...but I just don't have the heart to tell her that I'm not ready, nor interested...for now. I just want to get my life back on track...like how it used to be...carefree and easy... I miss those lazy days...

Thinking ahead... it's going to be an even more busy week for me, I seem to have taken on more than I can handle...my schedule is tight...I wonder how am I going to get through it all. Sometimes I wish a day would have 36 hours, rather than 24... there is just so much to do...so little time to do it. Another thing, I'll be away again next week... I have a meeting in Oz... It's work related, so no worries... I'm not there to look for MsDragon...

Tired...

It's been a busy day today...my body is exhausted...my mind is empty...I'm tired of all the work I have to finish...I'm tired of keeping up with everyones expectations...I'm tired of feeling lost, hurt and misunderstood...I'm tired of worrying if I've hurt someones feelings with the choices I've made...I'm tired of putting everyones happiness before mine...I'm tired of the pain and struggles I've put myself through...I'm tired of feeling unappreciated...I'm tired of being the person I don't want to be... maybe I'm just tired of being me...

Heartbreaker....

Tank - Heartbreaker (video by jrpt85)

" To all the heartbreakers out there...you know who you are... "

The X ....

I was away again...just a short trip to Bangkok...but none the less...a very tiring one too. So I guess , everyone now knows when my blog is not updated, then I'm away...work commitments as usual. It's been a while since my last trip to Bangkok, I see a lot of changes in the city...despite the traffic jams...it's still a great place to visit, the people are nice there. I wasn't expecting much on this trip...just work...some light shopping and a chance to enjoy the change in atmosphere...Bangkok is cooler this time of year. However my expectations were short lived... I ran into my ex-girlfriend at the hotel lobby...it's been like some 10 years since we've seen each other...and I was surprised to be greeted with such a wide grin from her...all the memories just came pouring into my mind...it made me forget that we parted on such sad terms...because I did catch her in bed with my best buddy. She came up to me...the usual' hug & kisses'...as if nothing happened at all...followed by questions of my being there... She seemed delighted to 'run into' me...apparently she's been there for the past week on training...alone. Since it was a Saturday afternoon, both of us weren't really committed to any plans... we decided have coffee at the nearest Starbucks to catch up on old times. First thing I noticed about her, is that she seems to be more enthusiastic than when I knew her... a complete difference I'm sure. I mean...we were going out for 6 years...nearly engaged even...so I can tell the positive changes in her.

First thing she said to me as we sat down..." I'm SORRY "..." I'm sorry I hurt you"..." I still regret what I did to you...please forgive me ?? " Being caught off guard...I kinda just replied her request in silence...but with a smile. I told her that from what had happened that day...it's not something that's easy to forgive nor forget...I'm scarred by the past...a part of me died that day and I've been careful ever since. It's not really easy for me to give my 100% of trust to anyone nowadays...once bitten, twice shy...never again...maybe?! From the look in her eyes, I hope she understood what I was trying to say...I hope she understood the pain I went through... After all was said and done, with emotions aside... we got to talking as old friends...updating each other with our life goals...happenings...accomplisments and heartaches for the past 10 years... She confessed to me that she didn't end up with my ex-best buddy after all...apparently after what happened that night, she never saw him again after that...it was her biggest regret and it did take her some time to get over the denial of losing me. She's been in a few relationships over the years, but nothing as serious as ours...and currently she's been single for the last year. Maybe by saying that she's trying to hint something...but I've learned my lesson after her...I don't need any reminders of the painful past.

Afternoon turned to dusk...we did a lot of catching up that day and learned so much about each other, but it was time for me to go...I had a dinner invitation to attend...work commitments again. It was so obvious that she was sad to see me leave her there...but then duty calls and that out weighs everything. She asked me if she could see me again later in the evening...even desperately hinting that she would rather spend time in my room than meeting elsewhere, I politely declined her... saying it wasn't such a good idea...I really couldn't trust myself with her.

I left her again that day...without looking back, without any regrets. 10 years ago, I promised myself that I won't let her hurt me again... I won't let her be a part of me anymore... I'm glad I kept that promise now. It's not easy to turn and walk away from your first love...it's not easy to ignore the memories, no matter how painful they are...it's not easy at all...

Dedicated to all....

Tompi - Cinta yang Kucari...

" Dedicated to all my faithful readers...thank you for all your kind thoughts and words..."

Imperfect....

I can't make right any of my past mistakes...I can only learn from them...even if I've never regretted them either and I can't change the person I am...it's not my fault if i wasn't born PERFECT. My day started out fine...besides the stress of my heavy workload...I felt a slight sense of freedom from not having to lock myself inside my office...no more worries of Ms Angel steam-rolling in to an awkward confrontation.

Moving on throughout the day, I assumed it to be tantrum-free...a first since my affairs with MsAngel began...however, upon being visited by the 'colleague' who apparently is going out with MsAngel...the ugly signs start to appear in my mind. Even now that she's left...she didn't take her 'boyfriend' with her...and now the guy is looking for a shoulder to cry on... slumped on my sofa, feeling so down because his girlfriend had to leave him behind and doesn't know if he can survive a long-distance relationship...?? He didn't actually say that he was going out with MsAngel...just referring to her as 'my baby' ..... my baby this...my baby that...*sigh*...It's starting to annoy me deeply. If only he knew the truth about us, if only...but I don't ' kiss & tell ' . Playing along, i innocently asked him...how long has he been out with her...to which he replied that they had only been going out seriously for the last two months...pretending to be surprised, I said to him...well if the relationship is fairly recent, then he has nothing to worry about...it's not like everything's gone stale. I tried to put his mind at ease...but what he said next really shocked me...he was comparing himself to MsAngels secret-x boyfriend...saying he never knew who he was, but she used to talk about him and that she didn't want to be with him because she found out that he had a disease... along the lines of saying...he's not perfect for her because of that...??!! That stunned me...I was speechless...trying not to give myself away...I ended the conversation with him, on excuse that I had a meeting to attend... he thanked me for being an ear to his dilemma...and left.

Now that I know the absolute truth, for what she did to me was intentional and mean...only MsAngel knew of my condition...I thought she would understand me by now...another mistake. I can't believe she didn't look at me beyond my imperfections...the damage is done...no remedies can heal this heart anymore. Maybe this is how it feels to be betrayed by an angel...

Got time...??

I find myself losing time more frequent than ever...I don't know why it happens, I lose track of time so easily...how uncertain can one be ?! With the busy week behind me...I hope I'll have more time to write, it's been one hurdle after another...why write anything when your whole mind is a mess?! why bother..?? I'm learning to be alone for now, slowly embracing the fact that I have no more emotional attachments to anyone at all...it's not easy to change oneself...but then, change is always good for the broken heart. I'm rambling again...

Updates...what has happened since my last post...MsAngel has admitted to having someone else...hence why I've been ignoring her the whole time since my return to work. Thank goodness today is her last day...no more hiding from her...no more excuses. I maybe hurt by her...but I do feel slightly relieved that she is going away...maybe I'm feeling better, now that it's all over. No more feelings of an incomplete love affair. What's in my thoughts for now is still MsDragon...to me, I guess she was the ' one that got away ' ...but then again she is committed to her one other. She has been frequently e-mailing me since leaving...almost daily in-fact, like wondering what I'm up too...if I'm alright or not...and just telling me what she's been up to or about to do...like a daily blog, but personally addressed to me. Her stories are light-hearted, and often puts a smile on my face...but in the end I'm still saddened that her heart is not mine. I have not replied any of her e-mails...don't think I will...and she knows that of me...yet she still sends me one without fail everyday. What is she trying to prove to me...a show of commitment? I don't know...but whatever it is...I hope she doesn't stop...because somewhere deep within, there's still a small part of me that really doesn't want to let her go... and that's what scares me. Why?? Because I can never trust myself to make the right choices... so don't blame me, I'm only human...

Sit back...have a listen...and enjoy....

Apologies everyone... it's been a very hectic week...too many family commitments have taken up most of my precious blogging time. Life alone is bearable for now...since I'm back to the office already, and I've got so much work to catch up on, that there just isn't any time to think of my past affairs...let's just say I'll try to keep myself busy to forget my past for now...emphasis on 'try' ok??! There's so much I want to write about...so many feelings I have to vent...I hope I can put them to words...

Stay tuned... my next post shall be interesting to some...if it matters... the attached video is a song by Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat ''Lucky'' ... a song I've been a fan of, since MsDragon was the one who dedicated it to me... it just has that 'feel good vibe' going on...regardless if you're happy or not in life...it makes you forget your problems for awhile... trust me...so sit back...have a listen...and enjoy....