Useless....

What's the use...the more I turn myself away from her...the more I think of her...the more I want her... useless thoughts on my mind...no answers, just more questions. MsDragon finally showed up at my hotel room tonight...I was at a loss for words from the start, we both were...at first it was the small talk...little things were said, but there were more gestures in her touch. MsDragon is not the type to hide her feelings...she's more of the expressive type...so her actions spoke louder than words...I for one should know...sometimes she's much too affectionate for me...more than I can handle. I could tell that she wasn't completely over me...she didn't hesitate at all, not wasting a precious moment, she had her arms around me as if she found a long lost toy... how could I turn her away now...it felt so right to be in her arms, to have her whisper her words in my ear...I know I'm going to regret tonight...I know I'll be flying home with a broken heart, and a head full of messed up thoughts...

One thing has led to another...no words were said, but now I'm filled with guilt and regret. I'm weak, I surrendered myself to her, I couldn't say 'no' ...I didn't put up a fight... Life has been a struggle to forget her...it has been more painful to let her go...now I'll have to go through it again...why do I let her get away with it...?? I keep asking myself that over and over again...is she my weakness and my surrender?? I don't know...life is so full of unanswered questions...

I'm trying to put together the broken pieces of my confused thoughts for now...hopefully one day I'll be able make sense of it all...I'm writing this on the pretense of doing some unfinished work while she sleeps in the bedroom. I don't know what will happen tomorrow...I don't know what will happen next between us...but what I do know is that, what happened tonight felt good, I found happiness again...even if it was just for a while...