Nothing...

Every step I took today felt heavier and heavier while walking to my office. I wasn't looking forward to seeing Ms Angel at work today. I can see her across the office, sitting there as if life were normal as usual. I can see she doesn't seem phased by what has happened, maybe she doesn't even care really...?? But underneath that tough cold exterior I hope she is suffering the sorrow I am feeling. She hasn't said a word to me yet... She just sits there in silent nature, cool, calm and collected. I have not spoken to her, nor have I looked at her... I want to be strong to turn away. I want to be strong to forget her... I hope I can get thru today....

Healing wounds....

My love for her held no boundaries... My love for her was faithful and true... My love for her held no lies or deceit. I loved her with the sincerity of my heart, without conviction of our differences in race and religion. I've never questioned her love for me, my mistake for being too trusting, instead only knowing that I felt more and more secure with each passing smile and look she gave me everyday. Only now I realise that what ever I have felt from her was only a show of amusement in her eyes. All her promises, all the lies... I've heard them all... I must be the biggest fool to have loved someone like her. What I feel now, what I hear now... is nothing but pain and darkness inside me... I blame her for making me suffer like this. I'm afraid I may not be able to give the next person in my life, the love, trust and smiles as I did with her.

I thank her for finally being able to break me... break my spirit.... break my heart and filling it with sorrow. I'm glad she's enjoying it. I'm choosing my own path now, I'm choosing to let her go, I'm choosing to forget her... I'm praying I'll have the strength to.

"Happiness is never forever. Loving her was easy, losing her was hard.
Loving her is still easy, but knowing she is no longer mine,is the hardest of all."

Neglect....

I couldn't really sleep last night, the darkness was not a friend of mine. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see her with him... whoever he is... Whats happening to me... Waking up this morning, I felt empty, like I wasn't there at all. Almost didn't feel like going to work, but thats just not me. I'm not gonna let her do this to me, I won't let it happen to me. I still wait for her to call or reply my text messages, though I don't realise why I still am... it's already a lost cause... I should assume the worse...

I'm sitting here, thinking about the things she said to me... her words seem worthless in my thoughts now. I hate her for doing this to me, but I still adore her for the person I thought she was. Perhaps I may not be in the right state of mind to say this and maybe I'm just saying this out of anger and spite, but mistakes happen for a reason and she was my mistake... it was my bad to fall for her in the first place. Is this heart of mine too much for her...???

Troubled....

A lot can happen in a week, no, no,... let me rephrase that... A lot can change in a week... I had to go away for a week on work related commitments. I'm still recovering (barely) from the chaotic schedule I had, coming back to the hotel half-past dead everyday can turn anyone off from blogging. Yes, sleeping in a cold bed was the only part of my trip that I truly enjoyed. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of coming home, back to my routine, my life, my family and ofcourse Ms Angel....

Like I said earlier, A lot can change in a week. We barely kept in touch, maybe we were just too busy for each other or maybe we just needed a break from each other...?? I don't know... Today, was my first day back at the office, however after the morning madness, only did I realise that Ms Angel was already on holiday for the upcoming CNY. I was quite suprised really,no mention of an early break in our conversations before, so I thought nothing of it at first. I did send Ms Angel a text message saying that I missed seeing her in the office, but till now it's midnight already and I still don't have a reply from her ??! What's going on here?? I called her handphone around noon, hoping for a short chat... but still no joy... my call was ignored. I think I was more annoyed than curious, but I didn't allow my gremlins to get the best of me. I rang her again, this time my call was answered, but hang on... it was answred by a guy?! Caught off guard, I managed to squeak my voice into asking where Ms Angel was? All I got was an instant cold cold reply from him saying that she was not able to talk to me... what the ...?? How could she ?? I did get to leave a message to the unknown human for her to return my call... before he suddenly hung-up on me, sadly nothing replied, so far. It's past midnight now, I'm tired of waiting. I don't get it... what happened?? Right now, a million questions going through my head, I have no answers, except that it can only be intepreted to the pain and betrayal I'm feeling right now. Why me ?? Why now ?? I hate this... I wonder why my happiness is always short-lived?? I'm tired... I'm going to lie in the darkness of my room and stare blindly. I'm sure the silence will put my mind at ease and deafen my thoughts. I need to close my eyes... it's time to suffer alone...

Distractions ....

Super busy day at the office, finally got some break-time to blog. Not a bad start to the morning, Ms Angel being her usual straight faced self walks around as if nothing had happened during the weekend. I commend her on her act, she's getting good at. On the other hand, i sit from my office day-dreaming of her, well I'm trying not to...

Anyways, Ms Dragon seems to be coming in and out of my office, just making small talk I suppose, grabbing my attention to insignificant matters. I have a feeling that she's trying to drop signs at me, trying to ask out I'm just worried Ms Angel will lose it one day and a confrontation will occur.... I just hope it doesn't lead to that... I don't think I'm worth it. Well, time flies by, I have to go ....

Feelin sick ....

Oh my head.... I swear I've got the headache of the century!! Lucky for me Ms Angel let me have the day off and I'm grateful for that. Nothing much happening over the weekend, I did enjoy my time with Ms Angel at the movies, the flick wasn't bad either. It was each others company that matter most. Little words were exchanged between us, It was how we expressed our gestures that showed how much we missed each other, like the way she held my arm so tightly, I'll cherish that feeling the most. She looked at me with so much warmth and sincerity, something I hadn't seen from her for quite sometime, and the sweet scent of her close to me just brought me to another a place... happiness. We ended the night with a slow drive around town, just cruising about and savouring every moment together.... pure bliss.

It was a good night out for both of us, I hope it'll be one of a few more...I'm hoping that is....Could this be the rainbow after the storm ??

So sorry ...

It's been a quiet week, haven't had any time to update my blog... actually, was not in right mood to write up a blog all week. I've been feeling too depressed, I think I've hit an all time low... I'm sitting here at my usual retreat in Gadong, nice quiet cosy place, not too busy here and the sights are relaxing. I'm feeling a little bit better now, I guess an ice tea and the calmness here, while watching the world go by really helps....

Whats been going on.... well, Ms Angel dropped by my place last weekend, caught me off-guard really. She said we needed to talk, I wasn't to thrilled about it but how could I say no?? The woman whom I missed so much was standing at my door,asking if she could come in. She literally spent the night (actually we got to talking till dawn, so yeah, she spent the night with me and no, we didn't sleep with each other!). We talked and talked, with some tears from her,... a lot was said between us, a lot that should have been said a long time ago. It seems she's confused as I am, though she doesn't show it, she's feeling messed up about it too. She's more stronger than me. She often wonders of how I feel about our 'situation' , apparently her assumptions were wrong. We did agree on one thing, that we're both very hard-headed not to resolve our issues with each other. I said what I had to say and she had words for me too. We've been holding out on each other and that's what kills us. I agree no one is a mind reader, we were both to arrogant to address our problems together, silence can be misinterpreted so badly. Both of us still miss each other, miss spending time together but it's just that the timing is never right. We've agreed not to see each other in open places, since she is a colleague and my senior in fact. So it's not really a good thing to be seen together in public. Life can be so compromising sometimes. Anyway, I'm used to it, we're already strangers, everyone only sees us as workmates in the office, our life is just a show and the world is our audience. We're gonna meet up tonite, probably catch a movie or something, I'm hoping it goes well...

I don't know what brought Ms Angel to my door that night, but I'm thankful that she was there. Maybe my life will go back to normal, maybe it'll change?? Who knows? I do suspect that she feels threatened to lose me to somebody else, I just have that feeling. Maybe it's that new girl in the office?? She's quite cute, petite and always looks like she's smiling even though she's not. She's got a figure even Ms Angel is envious about!! She's been eyeing me all this time, you know the long eye contact coupled with a sweet smile and friends seem to say that maybe she has a thing for me... I don't know?? Yes, maybe that's it... I'll call her Ms Dragon for now.... Angel versus Dragon... now that's something to talk about...