Burn & Soul - Bidadari

I am Me....

Hey everyone...it's been awhile...I deeply apologise for such a dissapearence...life has been taking me hostage for sometime...my thoughts are non-existent at all. You maybe wondering what I've been up to lately for the past couple of months and no I didn't abandon my blog...abscond would be a better word for it, hopefully I'm here to stay for now on. For those who may not know, I have been away for sometime, work commitments have chopped, screwed and spat-out what ever life I may have called my own...then, hence laziness sets in, though the body may be healthy, but the mind remains too de-moralized to blog...

As for Love in my life...it's still a big void...nothing filled except for caution & spite...an assuring combination followed by darkness and uncertainty...dramatically, it may sound disturbing to some...honestly, ...well being alone makes the mind conjure up weird...be it uncanny thoughts. I 've put love on hold for now, I feel that I kinda don't wanna get mixed up in it...life seems too complexed as it is...and the thought of romance has some how lost it's prized meaning to me...however I'm not resenting it at all...just taking a back seat from all the action I suppose. Please note that this is not an attempt to forget love at all...it's just my way of shelving it for future reference, a comical but technical term used by a close friend. I've been too unlucky for too long...it's best that I take a break and start to appreciate what I already have...a loving family and the company of genuine friends. A tough decision it may seem, but one that is much required from within. I even ' accidentally ' ran into my first love the other day...I was surprised at myself...rather more proud to say the least that I didn't even get any flashbacks this time...no more reminders of past pain...I must have gotten over it...or then again maybe I'm just heartless now...who knows?!?

By the way, I'd like to wish everyone a " Selamat Hari Raya Aidilifitri...mohon maaf lahir & batin.. ". I hope everyone had a meaningful raya as I did this year... At least this year I got to be with my family during Ramadhan and Syawal...something that I'll cherish and always feel blessed and thankful for. Ramadhan has always been a calming time for me, life feels a bit more balanced...during the day I would be engrossed with work, keeping myself busy and all...by night I'd look forward to performing the tarawih prayers...it was very soothing to the mind & soul...I felt safe from harm and difficulties. Insyallah, I shall meet Ramadhan again next year...Amin. However, Syawal seemed more quieter this year...most of the time was spent with close family...I didn't even get to visit any friends this year...dunno why...like I said it just seemed quieter this year...

Terima Kasih Cinta

Afghan - Terima Kasih Cinta

Smile....you're home...

I'm home...home sweet home...no place I'd rather be...than here. I've been waiting so long to say that...it sounds kinda over-rated by now??! It's good to be back...an unexplainable feeling...as if to exhale all the built up stress over the past few weeks...the work has been draining my soul. Rest & relaxation is my only remedy...

About my trip...it's been a while since my last trip to NY...nothing much has changed...the city...the people...it's all the same... The only difference this time is that...MsAngel was there...like I said before, I 'm not gonna get myself hurt by her anymore...I resisted temptation...but still fell victim to lust & desire. Things happened between us, like a careless mistake...history repeats itself. This time round she caught me off guard... with talks of commitments, family and subtle hints of settling down... Confused...my mind is clouded by so many questions...my judgement unreasoned towards the sincerity of her gestures. Was it something that she had planned..or was it ignited by the moment..??!! I don't know...things happen for a reason, but there are so many mysteries in this world...it's hard to say what reasons would determine our destiny...right? Anyway, I kinda ignored her 'issues' for awhile...not because of being insensitive towards her feelings...but because I have no answers for her...My heart is in a place it doesn't want to be... I'm not convinced that she is the happiness I am longing for...nor am I prepared to give-in to her demands. Now the guilt haunts me...if whether I made the right choice...*sigh*. On the other hand, the plus side of my trip was that I managed to have a reunion with a few of my Indonesian college buddies living in L.A. , it was good to talk about old times and how our lives have changed over the years since then... I guess overall, we felt blessed at how our lives have turned out in the end...though they were a little surprised at why I haven't settled down with a family yet... I kindly replied that perhaps it's just not my time yet and I'll just have to be patient about it...

Well, I guess that about sums it up in a nutshell...a brief account of what's been happening since I've been away...I'm making the most of my short holiday...spending quality time with my loved ones...before I have to leave again...back to my daily grind...

Naive....

Naive people can do foolish things...I am one of them. Maybe it happens for a reason...maybe it happens to be a spontaneous act where stupidity takes over completely...I don't know...I seem to be the one who falls into the trap...well most of the time. For those who know where I am at the moment...it's been a hectic week for me...bordering on chaotic really. Stuck in the concrete jungle, one wonders how can these people survive the sights each morning..?? All I see is the gloom, the slum and the noise of it all. This place is not for me...I'm feeling more homesick now. The only consolation for me to get my mind off things is the comfort of seeing MsAngel. I've noticed these past few days that she seems a changed person...not like before...maybe,I think?? It's very contradicting I know...I'm only human. I'm indecisive...my judgement is poor. I can tell she's trying her best to get back into my world, but we both know the history between us, and in the end it will just repeat itself...regardless on how hard we try to make it work. She's even talking about commitments and all...that she's ready to settle down...tempting but will it work?? hmm...I feel lost with all these happenings, so for now I'm concentrating on getting work done rather than the conflict of MsAngel. We've been going out each night...I'm well looked after here...she's gone out of her way to take me out for a proper halal meal...instead of my usual ' stay-in instant noodles '. For that, I am still grateful to her...my only regret now was that I made the mistake of letting her stay over the other night...out of that gesture, she took advantage of the situation...and you guessed it...one thing led to another...opps! I did it again as Britney would put it... Anyway that's a story I'll share for another time...

Leaving....

I'm leaving Singapore for work commitments today, I hope the fresh new surroundings of my destination will be able to lift up my spirits. I have been told that I would be away for a week, I know for well that the difference in time there will wreck havoc on my sleeping...so I guess I'll be doing a lot of deep thought on the plane. Left work early today, still have to pack and make sure everything is in order. Despite the excitement, I do still feel awful, but better than yesterday...I'm sorry readers...everyone has a bad day, even angels...

Lewat Semesta

Randy Pangalila - Lewat Semesta

Alone for now....

It's just one of those days...I need to get my life together...I have enough of everyone...I just need myself. Call it what you like...I just want to be alone for now...no excuses, no reasons...There are just too many to list...besides, I wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings...I'm not that kinda guy. I'm in a trashy mood...I feel I have to break something to vent it all out...though a part of me refrains from lashing out, in the back of my mind I'm already pounding away at the wall...bleeding hands and all...

My head is heavy...my mind twisted with confusion...I hate to take sides...I hate to be in the middle of situations not of my being. Am I wrong to turn a blind eye?? My mind sees what my eyes cannot...unfortunately ignorance rules my judgement...I feel helpless...

Leave me be...leave me alone...let me heal...let me be by myself for now...

Wrong....

Everything seems wrong today...everything I do even seems wrong today...what's the matter with me?? Another bad day I'm going through, enough said. Been feeling kinda low lately...my self-esteem is non-existent...can't explain it...I just feel it...it's that time that I don't need the world to look at me...I'd rather hide from everyone. To make matters worse... I'm homesick too! I don't know when I'm going home yet...I wish it were sooner...can't stand another day by myself. Another predicament I'm in...should I take up this new offer or not...my mind boggles at the very thought of living the 'singaporean' life??! Am I up to the challenge? Maybe...but being adventurous is another issue...another dilemma to add to my list of woes. I don't feel right at the moment...maybe I'm coming down with something?? Maybe I haven't been getting enough rest this week...stress...stress...stress...woe is me.

Regret...

Foolish people do stupid things...I am one of them. I don't know what's going on with me right now...I spent the better part of my morning neglecting work and logging on to MSN... chatting with MsAngel??! I guess that must have made her day...never saw so much 'smileys' in one sentence...maybe she was surprised too? Things just led to one another...then the flirting started...now I feel awful for being that way... what have I done?? If only I could have kicked myself in the head...if only... An update on MsAngel...she's still trying to get her previous post back, since she can't seem to cope with the work ethics there, so hopefully soon her transfer back will fall through. Due to the global financial crisis, it seems that there aren't much prospects for corporate lawyers thee anymore. However she still shows that she wants me...for obvious reasons, she's made it apparent that I am still the guy for her and etc..etc..bla..bla.. well you what I mean.

I am in deep regret now...my mind is blank...I don't think i can concentrate on work now. Regret can be such a distraction...it's consuming most of my thoughts. Funny thing about 'Regret' is, it's better to regret something you haven't done...rather than regret something you have done..?! Get it? My mistake follows me like my shadow...it has no worth, I can't change the past... She used to make my world worth while...now all I see is hurt. My mind is thinking of everything we've done...yet, understand nothing between us...my memories are lost...

Misunderstood....

I found myself wandering around Orchard Road last night...not much on my mind, just feeling homesick I guess. Yes, I'm still away...don't know till when...not much longer I hope...Anyway, due to my ultra busy schedule...updating my blog has been much of an option for me...thoughts pouring in and out my head go unheard...unexpressed...unsolved, maybe I'm losing it..?? I hope not...I still have a long way to go in this life...

I've noticed that people seem to react differently in an annoying way during first impressions...maybe it's because of how I look..or maybe my physical appearance is misleading?? How I dress or present myself physically doesn't affect the way I am...like the saying goes " Never judge a book by it's cover..." , but then being Asians...I don't blame them for acting in their defence...It's just so annoying at times, when you see the reaction on their faces " what...your malay??! " etc..etc.. I guess I'm taking it as a racial remark...perhaps the Chinese community here has something against the Malays here??!! I don't know...I don't want to know actually...I'm just sick and tired of being in the center of their cross-fire....

India Arie ft Akon - I'm not my hair...

" How I look does not represent the way I am.... "

Unfaithful

Rihanna ft Royalty - Unfaithful

" I love this version.... "

I wish...

I realised all the love between us was wrong, I just thought I knew it all...I was wrong then. You were not the love I was looking for...but the love I wanted all this while. Time cannot change the way I feel about you...it only make me miss you more, though my hate will always be there. Sometimes I wish that we never went our separate ways...sometimes I wish I could change the past between us...it should have never been that way...I was yours and you were mine. My feelings for you have remained the same since the day you left me...you were the love I choose to hate...I have regretted the hate for you inside me...it gives me no peace in this life...nor any pleasure in love. i used to dream of you to comfort the loneliness...it just doesn't work anymore...dreams never come through anyway...'hope' is all I have left. I miss you now regardless of where you are...should I wait for you to come back to me??

Rehab...

Rihanna - Rehab

Life can be hard & unreasonable sometimes...ok..ok..most times in my case then. Though I may not notice it...there is usually some form of silver lining somewhere??! Anyway, I'm still miserable...I was away for the weekend, promised mum that I would accompany here on a trip. All was good...sometimes we need to be away from our daily surroundings...more of an escape from our own reality...a change of scenery some might say. But the best thing for me was to get to spend time with a loved one...I had my mom all to myself...how secured I felt...like I was seven again...ahh...the memories that reminisce... It gave me an opportunity to connect with her...it seems it's been a while since we had that 'mother-son talk'...I didn't know that mum was so concerned...even though I'm all grown up now...I guess that being an only son has it's privileges eh?? I'll always cherish the good times we had and will look forward to the times we will be sharing...all my problems seem to disappear when I'm with her... Life can be almost perfect...don't you think??

You....

Ten Sharp - You

Another old song....my feelings...my words...dedicated to my love...whoever...where ever you are....

Set Adrift on Memory Bliss....

PM Dawn - Set Adrift on Memory Bliss.... an oldie...but goodie...

Silence please....

Listen to that...nothing...just the sound of raindrops outside...I can't believe how anyone can sleep through this thunderstorm...My body is tired, but my mind is wide awake...thoughts...tantrums and 'whatevers' plague my mind. Tossing and turning did not help...I'm fully awake again...I can hear the wind and raindrops crashing at my window...I feel helpless at the mercy of the weather...how I wish I wasn't alone at this point in time. It's been on my mind...was I wrong not to let MsAngel come home with me...what if I was..?? What if she did..?? A whole lot of 'what ifs ' inside this confused head of mine... A better part of me assured myself that it was good judgement that made me say it...then again the gullible side of me is regretting the decision...the conflicts within me, it's a burdening insanity...??! Layman's terms..." it's driving me nuts! ". I look at my phone...5 missed calls and a dozen texts...it's from her!!... She's playing me...teasing me...hoping to get lucky, I suppose...and she's not afraid to say it. She's hinting how excited she gets when she's alone with me...etc... I feel hopeless...I don't want to regret my actions...been there...done that...don't wanna go through it again...I want to ignore her...but the dirty messages she sends me doesn't help at all...I'm weak...I hate myself now...

Dreams come true...Nightmares haunt you...

It's raining outside...the sound deafens my peace...I'm messed up...really messed up again. Trying to carry on with my life is just another understatement...how do I move on, is another...??! I guess it started last weekend, feeling hungry on a Saturday night...I detoured to McDonalds on my way home...hoping that a BigMac & shake would suffice my appetite...instead I got more than I bargained for...while queueing I got a tapped on my shoulder...followed by a " Excuse I'm in a rush...do you mind?? " Surprised at such a remark...I turned around...eyes wide open, I kinda was taken aback at my sight...it was MsAngel!!?? Shocked as I was...trying to maintain a stunned composure...the only words that blurted out of me was " Your back..?? " MsAngel was getting herself some munchies as well...hence the surprise encounter or was it intended on her part??! I could sense that something had changed about her...she was grinning ear to ear...A takeaway was out of the question...I think I was given a guilt-trip about it and found myself sitting at the table with her...she wanted to do some catching up. She's back for CNY...a short stay for a week, then it's back to the States. Going forward...she' upset with me still for not replying any of her e-mails...and more upset for not replying her texts...I only answered with reason that's she's already spoken for, and that it would just hurt me more trying to get over her. Being pleased with herself for having the courage to ask me bluntly must have boosted her confidence...she had the cheek to ask me if she could come to my place..?? Eyes rolled wide, I had a faint smile...and said something like..." Wouldn't he mind??...." she replied..." it's over between us!! I found it out the hard way...he was screwing some bi#@h..!! ". My conscience got the best of me...I politely declined her advances, saying that I was staying at my parents house for temporarily, while my flat was painted...told her I repainted my kitchen...so the smell is still overwhelming...which is true up to a point, I got my kitchen painted last year...so a little doesn't hurt anyone. We went our separate ways later that night...left there with mixed feelings...and flashbacks of a painful past started to play in my mind again.

A few days have passed, apart from getting a text invite to her open house for CNY...I haven't heard much from her...not that I'm hoping for anything to happen...really I am....

Coming Home....

It's good to be home...It's good to be back...It's good to be surrounded by familiar faces... I feel as if I've just been released from prison...a moment to exhale as they say. I'm in my flat now...writing this blog on 'the' sofa...I forgot how comfortable it was just to lounge on...soothing me...I feel secure...for now. Everything is just as I left it...I'm grateful to the maid and the neighbours for looking after my place...without them I'd be greeted by dust & cob-webs...something I can do without...housework!

Looking out the window...I see an empty road...it's peacefu...I'm smiling, it's nothing like the bustle of Orchard Road...A good change of pace...I need the quiteness...I need the loneliness...I need the silence...my soul is in need of some zen, I have to work on that soon. I have a few days off work till next week...maybe it's time to hit the gym to de-stress ?? We'll see...

Well, it's 2009 now...can't believe that another year has gone by...the lost loves...the heartaches..and yes...the tantrums! So many bad memories...I'm trying hard to forget most of them...out with the old, in with the new...as people say...??!! As for my new year's resolutions...I haven't given it too much thought yet, except that I will "try" ( wink wink ) to update my blog more regularly as before...no promises...but I'll definitely give it a try...