Kunto Aji - Terlalu Lama Sendiri

Life in 2016 Pt.2

Another night of sitting here alone..the silence is bearable for now, a thousand thoughts racing through my mind, wondering...of how to make some sense of the moment?! Literally I've been staring blankly at the window all day, stayed indoors because the world didn't look friendly today. Perhaps I'll try to step outside tomorrow, maybe tomorrow would be more inviting than today..

Why have I started writing again, you may wonder? I do admit that my absence has been for quite sometime, my regrets have always been present but this has always and only been my way of expressing my pain, my hurt and disappointments.. In reality I'm a calm person, whatever pain,hurt & disappointments I may have gets locked up inside..only comforted by my patience. But sometimes patience has its limits and all these feelings just weigh a heavy burden on the soul..Writing is the only way I know to let go before insanity finds its way. You see, after leaving my past, my thoughts on life were simple, look after myself & my family, never loose my faith in the Allah SWT, and improve my quality of life. However, it didn't seem simple as that, 'Life' always has a way of screwing up the picture in your head of how  its supposed to be.. Well I mean, after about a year of leading my so-called single life of new  beginnings and new adventures, I wasn't looking to commit or get into any relationships of sorts..I was content with life, made new friends, tried new things and picked up new skills.. I was happy for once, carefree and loving it.. Sometimes the loneliness would set it, but it was something that i could tolerate, I had my family pull me through those moments instead, and would spend as much time with them to distract those feelings aside. Little did I know that around the corner , life was waiting for me with another surprise.. 

It was 2 years ago that I met her, while on my routine morning run..We would cross each others path on our routes and exchange glances at first..then smiles, when it got more frequent. I admired her efforts and how she just flawlessly got herself to get up so early and run the distance. Often we would 'run in' to each other at the parking lot after each exhaustive run and just sit beside our cars to catch our breaths. We never got to talking..just little friendly gestures to keep each other motivated. As I was in and out of state, for work, I looked forward to each time I was home and used every opportunity I had to fit in a run, hoping to see her again. This happened for a couple of months..and with each 'run in', as we passed each other , it seemed that intentions were mutual. Progressing from a smile to a wave, then the faint 'hello' of tired lips.. Each time I was away, all I could think of..was her, my curiosity about this mystery girl got the best of me. How was it that I was starting to miss meeting this stranger? I thought hard and kept reminding myself that it was just one-sided, that it was just me and my loneliness talking there. Eventually, when I returned home, on my usual route, hoping to have a 'run in' with her, I kept telling myself that I would have the courage to at least talk to her once, you know make the first step and all. Luckily our paths crossed that day, in the way that both of us finished our runs about the same time. I guess she wasn't that tired that day because when she saw me, her face lit up and there was that smile again..as if she saw an old friend. The feeling was mutual on my end and without thinking, walked up to her and asked her " how was your run today?" and only responded by her abrupt " where have you been ?". We ended up with awkward smiles and giggles at that point. With all sweats and smiles, we sat on the tarmac, talking to each other as if we'd known each other for sometime..It felt good to finally meet her in person that day, a memory that I shall always remember...

One Last Cry - Brian McKnight cover by Afgan

Life in 2016 Pt.1

Time is free, but its priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it, you can never get it back. Its been sometime again, I mean since my last post back in August 2013. And I find it rather uncanny that I'm writing this in 'August' 2016 as well..3 years on . ~WTH?! Anyway, I'm sure whoever reads this or wonders the 'where-what-why & how' of what has happened in the last 3 years of my absence from this blog, well life happened and of course work happened..alot! 

Where have I been keeping myself all this time? Well I've been around, Most of Asia and the UK mainly. Work commitments have kept me occupied hoping across the continents, however I have managed to settle down to a 'home' in the Abode of Peace in between my travels. My own home, built after the last episode in my previous life. Its not a big luxury mansion, but its comfortable, a place I can call my own..my sanctuary, my prison, my escape, my retreat from the outside world.

What have I been up to? Now..That's a tough one, where should I start with this..?? After moving on in 2013, Life was good as it could be, living the single life again and having not to worry about anyone else but one self. I committed myself to my work and alhamdullilah, a blessing in disguise, I got promoted to a post I wouldn't have dream of getting..though it did require more responsibility and err..sacrifices?! I was determined to work hard to earn my keep, the added income would suffice my financial commitment at that time when I was building my home. I'm proud to say now that I've built my own home with my hard work and didn't end up having a financial burden. I may not have much saved, but having your own home, your own roof over your head without the worries of it being repossessed by the bank is something that make me sleep soundly at night. I'm sure some people can relate to this right? Ok, between work and construction of home, I discovered my love or rather my distraction..I started exercising to keep in shape, and I mean really in shape by running marathons, cross fit, martial arts, day & night gym sessions, trail runs and clean eating. To sum it up, I did whatever it was to break a sweat. I felt better, more healthy and my sanity was in check. I found an outlet for the pressures of my life, wish I could have found it earlier..it would have helped in the past. And the by-product of that you may wonder? I lost heaps of weight and probably help rewind my age a couple of years. You see, after the divorce settled, I opted to stay out of the social media..meaning no selfies or photos of yours truly posted on Facebook, Instagram etc..I guess because at that time, being a divorcee I was embarrassed at the disappointment I was to other family members, you know, I mean Aunts/Uncles/Cousins etc.. bcos coming from a traditional family, elders always compare themselves with the younger generation on how marriage is an institution and not something that you would throw away so easily by getting a divorce. They kept saying it was the easy way out, and it should have been 'fixable' . Out of respect for my elders for being too opinionated , I just choose to stay away from the limelight, didn't go to any family gatherings or weddings and even skipped town for Hari Raya itself too. Work commitments abroad was  often an excuse I used religiously at that time, in fact with a high success rate. Through it all , I'm thankful and blessed to have parents and siblings whom understood and defended my actions. Family always has your back! regardless.. ~Back to what I was saying.. fast forward a year, other family members didn't even recognise me out in the open. I felt invisible almost, Walked past an aunt and uncle at the supermarket and they didn't even look twice or notice me beside them at the cashier?! Safe to say, and it being unintentional, I changed physically to a point where I didn't even look like my previous self. Impressed? Yes I was!! It was an accomplishment indeed. A natural camouflage you might say?! I dunno, I just enjoyed the moment..

Should I continue? Perhaps in my next post, its not easy to sum up one's life in the past 3 years, good and bad things have happened and writing about it brings back the unwanted memories you may say. Anyway, I shall leave you with this for now.. " When you're happy you enjoy the music, When you're sad you understand the lyrics.."

Love does not hurt

" Everyone says Love hurts. But this is not true, Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these feelings confused with Love. But in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. "

It's been a long long time since I posted anything here, truth is there's too many bad memories written.. I was hesitant on even using this blog again...but then again, what good is an unfinished book? Life goes on right, despite all the painful memories... Yes life does goes on. Fast forward till today 2013, times have changed, life has changed and people around me have changed. 

I've moved on since 2011, it was a painful journey and something that I wouldn't want to go through again... Let me repeat that..No one should ever have to go through what I went through!! Anyway, 2012...not a good year at all... My divorce was final, after all the counselling and quiet talks we had. Little much it did too improve us, I guess it was the only civilised thing to do... I have no regrets at all and at least, my consiencence is clear and my doubts laid to rest... I'm still recovering from it though i've moved on...sometimes it's easier said than done, this 'moving on' thing?! 

Picking up the pieces of a broken life hasn't been easy, but it keeps the mind busy and the heart content. I've kept myself commited to work and embraced new found passions. In the midst of building my own house as I've sold off my apartment, too many memories there... New environment required. I made up my mind to leave all the emotional luggage there...start over, new life, new goals and a better appreciation of the single life again. Lonely as it may seem...I have to be patient now. Allah SWT has a plan for everyone, we might not know why, what or when? I guess these questions would be answered in time. Allah SWT has a purpose for the pain, a reason for the struggles and a reward for the faithfulness...

One Last Cry...

You say...

by Elliott Yamin

Nothing...

There is nothing left to say...I've said all I can...I'm tired of crying silently by myself...I don't know whether this heart can take anymore rejection...I don't know if this heart can endure anymore pain. Met up with her today, I didn't like the way she looked at me...no love in her eyes...only hatred only. It kills me every time this happens...my heart feels as if a knife has been plunged deeper and deeper, a wound that would not heal. I fear that it'll be too late for us and that love will turn to spite...

Hope is not on my side, nor is happiness. I don't know what to say when more time is asked for...I wish that day will never come...I want my life back the way it was, in the arms of the woman I love. Life means nothing without the one you love...

Patience...

As I sit here alone at work, wondering how to make things right between us...I wonder when my opportunity will be...it just hurts me when more time is asked. Like I said before...time heals all wounds, I just hope this heart can last the wait.

Trying to be strong is an understatement...I don't know for how longer can I  fake a smile to my family and friends...How I wish this was all over and that we would happy together again...how I wish...how I hope...

For now, I'm holding on to hope. I have nothing else to hang on to...I just have to be patient and pray to ALLAH to make me strong during this troubled time. Alhamdulilah, an ounce of hope has been given to me when she texted  me that she does miss me, but still needs time to think things over. At least I can sincerely smile today...even if it is just a faint one...

My love...I miss you so much XOXO

Missing you ...

It's not easy for me to accept this separation between us...my first night away from her...I'm sleeping alone. Why is this happenning to me...why?? Don't leave me this way...don't let me be all alone like this...don't keep me hanging on to an empty piece of hope...

The reality of her rejection is killing me everytime it plays in my mind...over and over again...I'm dying inside, beyond emotional repair. why does it have to end like this...?? The peace that I had, ended the day she told me she wasn't happy with me...where has the love between us gone...?? We were so good together...

My days used to be filled with colours...now it's filled with darkness and lost hope. Being away from her is not easy for me...thoughts of her are constantly in this heart...joy has turned to sadness...life only has meaning to me when she's part of it. Thinking of all that we've been through...doesn't it mean anything to her...?? Never in my dreams did I foresee this coming...our life together faded into a memory...True love was a gift we took for granted. I cannot live without her by my side...she will forever be my love...I miss her badly...

I don't know....

My eyes hurt...my heart is in pain...my mind is numb...I don't know how long this heart can stand the pain of her ignorance. Trying to talk things out between us only leads to more tears and frustration. I don't know what else I can do to make her happy...I don't know what else can be said to make things right. I am lost...I feel worthless and useless as a husband. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership...I feel so alone.

Time heals all wounds...that is what is asked for...until when? I do not know... With each passing moment, not a second goes by that I do not think of her. It is with a heavy heart that I have choosen to move out from our place and move back to my family. It seems she is far more happier on her own... I don't know how for how long... I don't know how long I can live without her in my life. But if this is the only way to save a marriage...I have to live with it for now.

As I sit here...thinking of all that is going on...thinking of what I could have done to prevent all this. I am living in regret for all my wrongs. All the sorry's in the world cannot begin to forgive my wrongs...but I want to work things out between us...I want to move on with us...

Hope...

It's been a while...a long long while...times have changed and I've moved on in my life...I told myself once happiness is mine, there would not be a need to post my pain...no more tantrums to rant...no more pain to taste...but I was wrong.

Circumstances have changed in my life for the better, I found that special certain someone in my life that makes me smile to no end. I've commited and devoted my life to her...I've made a promise to ALLAH to look after her and protect her from all harm. Yes...I have finally found my soulmate...my best friend, my better other half...my wife.

Happiness should last forever...but once the honeymoon is over...reality takes over, it is not a friend of mine. Flash forward...I'm saddened by the fact that she does not care about me anymore...I've missed her hugs and the way her hand holds mine...I miss that look of love every morning I awake. I am invisible to her now...I am sorrowed everytime she turns away from me...I am in pain when she ignores my touch. My words are silent in her mind...I do not exist around her. Should a devoted and loyal husband deserve to feel this way?! Please understand...I have done no harm or no cause for the hatred and emptiness in her eyes. My questions to her have a silent reply...my heart cries in pain...my eyes...painful, trying to hold back the tears. I tell myself to be strong, hoping the next day will be a better day for 'us'. My prayers ask for nothing of but our happiness, but with each passing day the distance between us widens till no end. I don't know how long can I live this way...my heart can no longer tolerate the agony of pain. Hope is not by my side...

Jujur...

Why?

My 1st post for 2010...

I'm still awake...still lying here aimlessly wondering of what's going on in my life , staring up at the darkness above with an annoying knacker of wind outside my window. Life here is absolutely grey and cold. I don't see myself moving back here...I don't see myself going back either. I'm homesick & frustrated at the same time...I wanna go home to my loved ones...home, where I really belong. Sadly, that's not one of the options for me now. Being here is more of a curse rather than a blessing...

Eyes...eyes...why won't you sleep?! It seems my body has lost control...my tantrums have taken over again...

Burn & Soul - Bidadari

I am Me....

Hey everyone...it's been awhile...I deeply apologise for such a dissapearence...life has been taking me hostage for sometime...my thoughts are non-existent at all. You maybe wondering what I've been up to lately for the past couple of months and no I didn't abandon my blog...abscond would be a better word for it, hopefully I'm here to stay for now on. For those who may not know, I have been away for sometime, work commitments have chopped, screwed and spat-out what ever life I may have called my own...then, hence laziness sets in, though the body may be healthy, but the mind remains too de-moralized to blog...

As for Love in my life...it's still a big void...nothing filled except for caution & spite...an assuring combination followed by darkness and uncertainty...dramatically, it may sound disturbing to some...honestly, ...well being alone makes the mind conjure up weird...be it uncanny thoughts. I 've put love on hold for now, I feel that I kinda don't wanna get mixed up in it...life seems too complexed as it is...and the thought of romance has some how lost it's prized meaning to me...however I'm not resenting it at all...just taking a back seat from all the action I suppose. Please note that this is not an attempt to forget love at all...it's just my way of shelving it for future reference, a comical but technical term used by a close friend. I've been too unlucky for too long...it's best that I take a break and start to appreciate what I already have...a loving family and the company of genuine friends. A tough decision it may seem, but one that is much required from within. I even ' accidentally ' ran into my first love the other day...I was surprised at myself...rather more proud to say the least that I didn't even get any flashbacks this time...no more reminders of past pain...I must have gotten over it...or then again maybe I'm just heartless now...who knows?!?

By the way, I'd like to wish everyone a " Selamat Hari Raya Aidilifitri...mohon maaf lahir & batin.. ". I hope everyone had a meaningful raya as I did this year... At least this year I got to be with my family during Ramadhan and Syawal...something that I'll cherish and always feel blessed and thankful for. Ramadhan has always been a calming time for me, life feels a bit more balanced...during the day I would be engrossed with work, keeping myself busy and all...by night I'd look forward to performing the tarawih prayers...it was very soothing to the mind & soul...I felt safe from harm and difficulties. Insyallah, I shall meet Ramadhan again next year...Amin. However, Syawal seemed more quieter this year...most of the time was spent with close family...I didn't even get to visit any friends this year...dunno why...like I said it just seemed quieter this year...

Terima Kasih Cinta

Afghan - Terima Kasih Cinta

Smile....you're home...

I'm home...home sweet home...no place I'd rather be...than here. I've been waiting so long to say that...it sounds kinda over-rated by now??! It's good to be back...an unexplainable feeling...as if to exhale all the built up stress over the past few weeks...the work has been draining my soul. Rest & relaxation is my only remedy...

About my trip...it's been a while since my last trip to NY...nothing much has changed...the city...the people...it's all the same... The only difference this time is that...MsAngel was there...like I said before, I 'm not gonna get myself hurt by her anymore...I resisted temptation...but still fell victim to lust & desire. Things happened between us, like a careless mistake...history repeats itself. This time round she caught me off guard... with talks of commitments, family and subtle hints of settling down... Confused...my mind is clouded by so many questions...my judgement unreasoned towards the sincerity of her gestures. Was it something that she had planned..or was it ignited by the moment..??!! I don't know...things happen for a reason, but there are so many mysteries in this world...it's hard to say what reasons would determine our destiny...right? Anyway, I kinda ignored her 'issues' for awhile...not because of being insensitive towards her feelings...but because I have no answers for her...My heart is in a place it doesn't want to be... I'm not convinced that she is the happiness I am longing for...nor am I prepared to give-in to her demands. Now the guilt haunts me...if whether I made the right choice...*sigh*. On the other hand, the plus side of my trip was that I managed to have a reunion with a few of my Indonesian college buddies living in L.A. , it was good to talk about old times and how our lives have changed over the years since then... I guess overall, we felt blessed at how our lives have turned out in the end...though they were a little surprised at why I haven't settled down with a family yet... I kindly replied that perhaps it's just not my time yet and I'll just have to be patient about it...

Well, I guess that about sums it up in a nutshell...a brief account of what's been happening since I've been away...I'm making the most of my short holiday...spending quality time with my loved ones...before I have to leave again...back to my daily grind...

Naive....

Naive people can do foolish things...I am one of them. Maybe it happens for a reason...maybe it happens to be a spontaneous act where stupidity takes over completely...I don't know...I seem to be the one who falls into the trap...well most of the time. For those who know where I am at the moment...it's been a hectic week for me...bordering on chaotic really. Stuck in the concrete jungle, one wonders how can these people survive the sights each morning..?? All I see is the gloom, the slum and the noise of it all. This place is not for me...I'm feeling more homesick now. The only consolation for me to get my mind off things is the comfort of seeing MsAngel. I've noticed these past few days that she seems a changed person...not like before...maybe,I think?? It's very contradicting I know...I'm only human. I'm indecisive...my judgement is poor. I can tell she's trying her best to get back into my world, but we both know the history between us, and in the end it will just repeat itself...regardless on how hard we try to make it work. She's even talking about commitments and all...that she's ready to settle down...tempting but will it work?? hmm...I feel lost with all these happenings, so for now I'm concentrating on getting work done rather than the conflict of MsAngel. We've been going out each night...I'm well looked after here...she's gone out of her way to take me out for a proper halal meal...instead of my usual ' stay-in instant noodles '. For that, I am still grateful to her...my only regret now was that I made the mistake of letting her stay over the other night...out of that gesture, she took advantage of the situation...and you guessed it...one thing led to another...opps! I did it again as Britney would put it... Anyway that's a story I'll share for another time...

Leaving....

I'm leaving Singapore for work commitments today, I hope the fresh new surroundings of my destination will be able to lift up my spirits. I have been told that I would be away for a week, I know for well that the difference in time there will wreck havoc on my sleeping...so I guess I'll be doing a lot of deep thought on the plane. Left work early today, still have to pack and make sure everything is in order. Despite the excitement, I do still feel awful, but better than yesterday...I'm sorry readers...everyone has a bad day, even angels...