Distractions ....

Super busy day at the office, finally got some break-time to blog. Not a bad start to the morning, Ms Angel being her usual straight faced self walks around as if nothing had happened during the weekend. I commend her on her act, she's getting good at. On the other hand, i sit from my office day-dreaming of her, well I'm trying not to...

Anyways, Ms Dragon seems to be coming in and out of my office, just making small talk I suppose, grabbing my attention to insignificant matters. I have a feeling that she's trying to drop signs at me, trying to ask out I'm just worried Ms Angel will lose it one day and a confrontation will occur.... I just hope it doesn't lead to that... I don't think I'm worth it. Well, time flies by, I have to go ....

Feelin sick ....

Oh my head.... I swear I've got the headache of the century!! Lucky for me Ms Angel let me have the day off and I'm grateful for that. Nothing much happening over the weekend, I did enjoy my time with Ms Angel at the movies, the flick wasn't bad either. It was each others company that matter most. Little words were exchanged between us, It was how we expressed our gestures that showed how much we missed each other, like the way she held my arm so tightly, I'll cherish that feeling the most. She looked at me with so much warmth and sincerity, something I hadn't seen from her for quite sometime, and the sweet scent of her close to me just brought me to another a place... happiness. We ended the night with a slow drive around town, just cruising about and savouring every moment together.... pure bliss.

It was a good night out for both of us, I hope it'll be one of a few more...I'm hoping that is....Could this be the rainbow after the storm ??

So sorry ...

It's been a quiet week, haven't had any time to update my blog... actually, was not in right mood to write up a blog all week. I've been feeling too depressed, I think I've hit an all time low... I'm sitting here at my usual retreat in Gadong, nice quiet cosy place, not too busy here and the sights are relaxing. I'm feeling a little bit better now, I guess an ice tea and the calmness here, while watching the world go by really helps....

Whats been going on.... well, Ms Angel dropped by my place last weekend, caught me off-guard really. She said we needed to talk, I wasn't to thrilled about it but how could I say no?? The woman whom I missed so much was standing at my door,asking if she could come in. She literally spent the night (actually we got to talking till dawn, so yeah, she spent the night with me and no, we didn't sleep with each other!). We talked and talked, with some tears from her,... a lot was said between us, a lot that should have been said a long time ago. It seems she's confused as I am, though she doesn't show it, she's feeling messed up about it too. She's more stronger than me. She often wonders of how I feel about our 'situation' , apparently her assumptions were wrong. We did agree on one thing, that we're both very hard-headed not to resolve our issues with each other. I said what I had to say and she had words for me too. We've been holding out on each other and that's what kills us. I agree no one is a mind reader, we were both to arrogant to address our problems together, silence can be misinterpreted so badly. Both of us still miss each other, miss spending time together but it's just that the timing is never right. We've agreed not to see each other in open places, since she is a colleague and my senior in fact. So it's not really a good thing to be seen together in public. Life can be so compromising sometimes. Anyway, I'm used to it, we're already strangers, everyone only sees us as workmates in the office, our life is just a show and the world is our audience. We're gonna meet up tonite, probably catch a movie or something, I'm hoping it goes well...

I don't know what brought Ms Angel to my door that night, but I'm thankful that she was there. Maybe my life will go back to normal, maybe it'll change?? Who knows? I do suspect that she feels threatened to lose me to somebody else, I just have that feeling. Maybe it's that new girl in the office?? She's quite cute, petite and always looks like she's smiling even though she's not. She's got a figure even Ms Angel is envious about!! She's been eyeing me all this time, you know the long eye contact coupled with a sweet smile and friends seem to say that maybe she has a thing for me... I don't know?? Yes, maybe that's it... I'll call her Ms Dragon for now.... Angel versus Dragon... now that's something to talk about...

How do I ....

I can't sleep... I see her in my thoughts... it's haunting me... I must really really miss her tonight. I can't see myself with anyone else, I think about her every single day and it hurts me more every time I hear someone else saying her name... why is that??? Is it jealousy?? She deliberately walked past me today as if I wasn't even there, not even the slightest glance, she's never done that before... My eyes adore her every move, but why can't she look at me anymore? Am I invisible to her now? :(

She's makes me feel so distant from her. It's unbearable, literally painful... I can't go through life without her near me...I miss her so much that it hurts. I need her more than ever now... I know I say it more often now, but I still miss her...

Still standing ....

Life used to be so simple.... I never thought it would end up such a complex thing. I used to have worry-free days, nothing to think about, nothing to plan, no promises, no worries, just go with the flow sorta thing.... very laid back I suppose, can you say carefree?. I miss those days, they're long gone now, only happy memories remain. Yes, life was more simple before I met Ms Angel, now I know where most of my grief is derived from.... though I wonder why I cope with it?? Am I that stubborn to accept the truth?? Am I the fool of the month?? Ahh...Paranoia...thats what it is ... I hate it!!

Nothing much to say about Ms Angel... status quo still in effect... we're both ignorant to the bitter end... unfortunately yours truly suffers more. I wonder, do men feel more pain in a relationship than their women? Maybe...I don't know, I guess they're better at hiding their feelings to maintain their 'machoness' . I should know, I'm one of them... only thing that sucks is when all the distractions are away and when we're all alone... it just smacks us in the back of the head, making us regret all that we've done.... I'm suffering.... My loneliness has set in.... I'm starting to make no sense of it all.... I'm gonna stop here....

Going nowhere....

I'm not a mindreader, I can't read her thoughts... I must have done something wrong somewhere till I can't even figure out how to make things right anymore. Maybe she only meant to treat me as a friend, though I see her as so much more. I've tried my best to understand what could be the reason why she doesn't want me, maybe I'm expecting too much. She's confused perhaps, maybe wondering if I'm the right guy for her... I can wait... I've got time... I have to be less optimistic... I think too much of her.

She's taken so much love from me... loving her was only in vain. I've fallen for her... and I only want to be with her... life would not be the same without her. She is my obsession in silence... she's the one I adore. This is crazy talking... I don't know what else to do to make it work... I don't wanna confuse things, but I just can't keep lying to myself... I have to accept that it's really over between us.... the past is gone, so I know I have to move on but I will never say goodbye to her....

Come undone.....

I look at her..she seems so happy today, her smile and her laughter... I miss that. But I know it's not for me, I know I will never get that from her again, I will not get those feelings from her again. Maybe she has carried on with her life... maybe she's given up on me... maybe I'm right all along??!

I wonder why she doesn't look my way anymore, I wonder why I don't get to see her smile at me or even the little wink she used to give me... where has it all gone? Maybe to someone else? I don't know, I don't want to know either... There's no use talking to anyone else about it... It wouldn't get her back into my life anyway. Friends are saying my mystery woman is a loss cause, I'm beginning to agree with them... I just hate accepting the truth, it's the " I told you so " that I detest most.

Two weeks have gone by without a word from her, though we see each other everyday... long cold stares and silence is the only language spoken between us. That's what makes it so hard to carry on... She's perfected the art of ignoring me, she's good at it, it hurts me more. I'm losing by letting it get to me... I know I'm weakened by her... I don't know whats my next move, I don't even know if there will be one at all. Dare I imagine what will happen to me next? or should I just play the waiting game and hope everything goes back to normal? Optimism, does provide me some comfort, but it hardly lasts long. My conscience loves to play tricks on me, I'm paranoid more than ever now, I don't want to forget her.... I don't want that at all.

To Ms Angel......

Everytime I look at you, I get this wonderful warm feeling inside, like I can do anything!!, could this be love that I'm feeling for you??... Just looking at you from a distance, brings peace to my soul, it gives me patience to face my problems. I'm sorry If I have to stare... I just can't stop missing you, wish I was with you right now...

You give me hope every time you smile at me, it gives me the strength to go through another day without you in my life. At times I do feel my life is just like glass, If I'm not patient, everything will shatter. I have to be strong to face the pain you put me through...

You're in my prayers everyday, I hope your always safe from harm. I miss you more than you will ever know.... just remember that....

'' Ya Allah, I'm grateful for all your guidance and strength through all the dark and bad times in my life...Amin..."

Go on... just shoot already

What a day... I hardly realised what time it was... Time flies so fast when the world moves faster than you. super busy day at work today... Ms Angel giving me 'the look' for not replying her text. I'm used to her stares... I'm not scared, just derailed that's all. Let's see how much more she can belt out till she gets bored of it.
Walking to my office, I couldn't help but notice her outfit today... she looks so hot.!!.. more than usual I might add. She's wearing a tight white stretchy top with long pinstripe pants.... I like it! and she knows it!! Is this her tactic or is it just a way of reminding me of what I'm missing?? Women always try to find a weakness towards the opposite sex and most of the time their spot on. She is my kryptonite and I'm her Superman... both worthless with each others powers?? Hey! what the..??? Anyway, I still can't figure out what she wants from me or where it's heading to. I'm feeling a bit better about myself today, keeping busy with the workload. And yes, it is nice to know that I do have a small crowd going through my blog... now everyone knows even angels have tantrums.......

"Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts....."

Precious worthless thoughts....

Another quiet night...sitting alone figuring out what went wrong...again... what went wrong with 'us' ?? Ms Angel just texted me... asking what I'm up to?? Yeah... avoid me all week and text me out of pity?? Anyways, it's been a busy week at the office..the start of the new year has most of my staff on leave, it must be due to settling their kids at school. Good luck to them... I still remember my first day at kindergarten...crying so hard and not letting go of my mum... *sigh*

I've been thinking hard about where this 'thing' of mine with Ms Angel is going... kinda realised... it's not going anywhere... it never did, did it?? It's always been about me...about me thinking of her, missing her and all that. I'm naive or just plain silly to think that I would get any of it in return from her. I've ever asked her about these sorta things....all I got was " I don't have an answer.... ". I do wonder if i do mean something to her...or if she does think of me. I don't know, maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part. I'm thinking these thought to make me feel better I guess, it's wrong, I know that now. I just don't know what else to do... I'm lost..really I'm hopeless more like it.... I'm starting to ramble... time to bid adieu....

Happy New Year 2008...

My first post for 2008.... Happy New Year to all....

'' Everyone sends wishes for happiness, prosperity & health... but my wish for your 2008 is to materialise that one thing you have always wanted but never got. So let this year be the year, but don't sit around and wait for it to happen. Do what you need to do and this new year it will surely be yours! Happy 2008! "

This was my text to Ms Angel before the network jam at midnight... I hope she gets it... I really do. We did manage to exchange a few words before the end of the day at the office. She came round to my place hoping for a short chat, unfortunately I was caught up in something. I did get to ask her if she had plans for the new year's eve... all she said was " yup" and walked away. It kinda kills me when she does that... it gets me so wound up... irritating really! I was gonna ask her out for dinner and maybe go see the fireworks display by the beach not far from the Empire Hotel, but I guess it a bit too boring for her. Anyways, yours truly is sittin' at home alone... while she's out partying the night away. We both are living in two different worlds... one slow and the other fast paced. but why are we still attracted to each other, why?

My minds gone blank now... must be the thought of wondering what she's up to... or who is she with?? Questions...questions, yet answers still remain unanswered. I'm rambling again... I miss her so much, and the thought of spending new years eve with her would have been a great start to the year. However, that's just not the case, it's not my luck... it's not my day at all....