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Same story, different day... Not much happening today, haven't 'bumped' into Ms Angel... I'm still hiding out in my office, came extra early today that's why.... I don't think she'll dare to come in when I'm around. On the other hand, Ms Dragon has been visiting me more often... I think she's curious of why I haven't been deliberately bumping into her at the water cooler lately... she now teases me by calling me 'turtle' because I'm in my shell (office) the whole day and being too paranoid to leave??! *sigh*

Had some time out today, a colleague asked me to sign up for Facebook, heard of it but never tried it out, guess I'm just too busy in this life. Anyway, I've added a button below if anyone interested wants to add me, I'll be waiting.... Maybe it's time to meet new people... don't you think so?

Decisions...

It's the first time I've stayed in my office for the whole day, for fear of running into her. As tempting as it was, I didn't take Ms Angel's offer... I just couldn't trust myself around her... I'd hate to think what would have happened if I did show up at her place?? I don't need a new chapter in my life... I don't want to make an ugly mistake, if you know what I mean??! Anyway, I hope Ms Angel enjoyed the movie last night... After she left, I put her key on her desk with a note attached which said " I'm flattered that you gave me a key to your place with an open invitation... but I have to give it back... it's just not right, it's not what I want... ". I'll just leave it at that... I 'm sure she'll hate me for doing that to her. I hope she'll understand the message that I'm trying to get through to her. I want her to know that I'm not easily bought... nor convinced for that matter. I want to be alone... I just want to live my life without any thoughts of her for now... It's not going to be easy.

Dilemma...

Another day of misery in my life, I think I've had about enough already... everyone has their limits... I've gone past mine. Ms Angel was back at work today, I noticed her car in the parking lot on my way up to my office. She was at work earlier than usual... strange... very strange. Walking to my office I could see the lights in her office, her doors shut... but I could still feel her. I was feeling uneasy at this point... I didn't know what to expect and I don't want to know at all. Maybe she already hates for leaving her... maybe... my mind is starting to play out every worse scenario I can imagine. I assured myself that I have the safety of my little office to run too... just in case she tries anything ( I'm hoping she doesn't... ).

I made it safely to my office without encountering any drama from her, though I think she knows I'm in, since her office is a few doors away from mine. Anyway, I was greeted by a surprise on my table... It was from her... A single red rose... with a plain white card attached. I was speechless... most of all I was really scared... of what... I don't even know. I opened the card, the first line only read "Please be mine again... meet me tonight " attached to it was a cinema ticket of a certain movie that just started showing, something I've been eagerly waiting for... I'm surprised she even remembered??! But that's not what really caught my eye... the last line on the card read " if you don't show up, I'll understand... attached is a key to my apartment... come anytime, I promise I'll make it up to you... "

After reading that... I dare not step outside my office... I don't know how I'll face her today... What a dilemma I'm in... should I stay or should I go... *sigh* ... I wanna be alone now...

Regrets...

The world is full of lies, is there any honesty at all... I'm still looking for my happiness, what more in life can one look forward too?? I am but a fool living with false hopes and a victim of sweet promises in what used to be a hopeless relationship. Is this what I deserve for all the things I have done for her... Is this my reward for all the love I have given her?? It's better to leave me alone after this... the love inside me is gone because of her, I'm scared I may not trust anyone else with my feelings anymore...

I used to get lost in my thoughts by thinking of how life would be if she were really mine... now, my heart just freezes each time I remember the words she's whispered to me, I end up being consumed by regret each time I hear her name. She was cruel to lead me on with empty promises... I blame myself for falling for someone like her, I ignored all the rules... now I'm paying the price in misery. It was my fault for not realising the bitter truth of what was happening between us... I was just too deaf with eagerness to love her...

Clueless...

It's been a long hard day at work, I'm looking forward to the long weekend.... I think I'll just stay in and catch up on some much needed 'lazy therapy' . Ms Angel is still away, so the situation is still the same... life is quiet for now. She did MSN me, asking me how I was? I didn't mean to be cruel, but I couldn't bring myself to answer her... I hesitated... I wanted her to know how hurt I am still and that nothing she says will make me feel better. I dread the day she comes back to work, I don't know if I have the strength to face her... It's the confrontation bit that I can't handle. I wonder if she feels the same way too??

Looking back, I realise that love from me was a one-sided feeling, I gave her my all, but she gave me nothing but empty promises and false hopes... I will never forgive her for that.

" Happy Independence Day " everyone .... enjoy the long weekend....

Feelings...

It's not even the end of the day, and I'm already depressed as it is.... I hate this. when I'm depressed... I look miserable. when I look miserable, the whole office notices and unnecessery questions are asked.... If asked, I usually have no answers and end up walking away in silence. I don't know why, I guess I have a lot on my mind and I temporarily avoid my issues by diving myself in my work. It's only afterwards, on my drive home... my 'issues of life & love' would slowly, but surely sink back in.

I'm starting to miss Ms Angel again, even when I tell myself that it's over. I keep telling myself her love for me was only temporary, that she's not meant to be mine. So much conflicts within me.... I've made my choice to be alone, a very painful choice.... something that will leave a scar inside, but nonetheless a healthy choice for my soul and I should follow it, no matter how much I think of her. Letting someone go is never easy... Regreting the choice to let go is even harder. Sometimes while just sitting in my office, and the thought of 'her' appears... I just feel like crying it out... just to let go of all those memories of her, thats how weak she makes me. I hope she realises that someday... if it matters.

Anyway, I'm trying to cope with all thats happening around me, and trying to be a little optimistic for the next day... maybe things will work out for me tomorrow... maybe I'll be able to love someone again... looking past all this sadness I'm in... maybe.....

Dazed....

I enjoy my long drive home from work... it gives me time to reflect on stuff that happened during the day, and apart from the madness at the work, I haven't heard of Ms Angel since I walked out of her office that day, I heard she's away for the week, some kinda meeting...somewhere?!. Time apart is good, for the both of us. I just hope she is coping well... I pray she doesn't do anything she'll regret, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

I've been feeling miserable the past few days, probably attributed by Ms Angel, the bad weather and the never-ending workload. Ms Dragon has been making more appearences in my office again... I think she notices how miserable I look, but dares not ask why. She's trying hard to get my attention, she's trying her best to gain my affection... she doesn't know I'm on the rebound. I keep telling myself not to fall for her, though I must say she is HOT! And any guy would need to be blind for not being attracted to girl like her. she's got a smile to make any guy look twice and a body that every guy will thank 'god' for creating!!... haha

I'm not the type to "kiss & tell" so I suppose no one else in my life will ever know what I'm going through now. I've always kept my feelings to myself, so suffering in silence is my guilt. I'm thankful that I'm able to blog my thoughts anonymously... otherwise life would be so unbearable with all these tantrums I'm going through... I'm tired... I need my sleep now...

Choices....

An interesting turn of events today and not just because it's valentine's day. Got to the office today,expecting the same routine but unexpectedly got a shock instead... It's a wake up call to my system and I don't think I'll ever get over it...

The director walked into my office this morning for to sort out some issues and then decided that there should be some collaboration of minds to help solve a problem. Fast forward to 10am and a meeting was called. I was emailed the details and had to prepare some info for the meeting... so being caught up in my work I failed to notice what Ms Angel was up to... not that I cared, but it was always safe to know where she was so we wouldn't run into each other as not to complicate an awkward moment. Well, just my luck... the director paired me up with Ms Angel to handle some issues of the problem faced. How awkward is that?? How do I get myself out of this I thought?? No room for excuses here... orders are orders... and any apprehension is unacceptable. The meeting was soon over and Ms Angel suggested we work in her office since the majority of the files were with her. I just gave her a gentle nod but did not obligate myself to saying anything to her, I didn't want to break the silence. I didn't even want to look at her... I had to stand my ground and stick to my guns... I was starting to feel hopeless again.

After much hesitation and with a head full of conflicting thoughts, I finally got to drag myself to Ms Angel's office. I could see that she was uneasy about it, but I do commend her for trying her best to keep me comfortable around her. I just sat there... silently, reading through the files while only using nods and slight gestures to keep words between us at a minimum... but from the corner of my eye I could see her sitting beside me... staring at me as if she wanted to say something, waiting for that right moment. It was so hard for me not to look at her... I wanted so much to look at her, tell her that I miss her so much... There was so much I wanted to say to her... It just kills me to know that I can't and wouldn't. We were close but yet so far from one another... If only I was a mindreader, I wish. I guess the stress finally got to her... she grabbed my hand from beneath her desk and kinda said something like " why are you like this to me ??" I looked at her with so much emptiness, my lips felt as if they were glued shut... I just told her to get over me, forget me... forget about us. It's over... then I just walked away... I said all that with a heavy heart... I wonder if I did the right thing?? Will I regret it?? I'm confused and lost... I'm starting to hate myself now.

Today is Valentine's Day... since we've known each other, I would send her flowers ever year... except for today. I know I've hurt her feelings with my decision... I didn't mean to be cruel to her... I'm weak... I'm stubborn... I'm hurt...

Waiting...

I sense that she is losing her patience with me... I feel that the sorrow for her has settled in... I can see it in her eyes, the way she stares at me. I know she's trying hard not to show her loss, but I know her too well. She's trying to grab my attention with every move she makes, she wants me to go to her... I can feel it with every pounding heartbeat.

Last night, while on the treadmill, I started to think about the good times we shared... the good moments I mean. I'm doing my best not to wander back into her arms... maybe it's just my way of letting go... but slowly. I wondered to myself if ever she was really mine to begin with?? I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that now... I don't think I can handle the truth anyway, too painful. I've ever promised myself if ever I met the right person that she would be the only one love in my heart and I would promise her that I'd take care of her till the end of my days. It may seem naive and unrealistic to some, but I'm an old fashioned romantic... and it doesn't take so much for a woman to convince me... so there. I'm just thankful I never made those promises yet... maybe it's just not meant to be for now... maybe it's just not my time...

Drifting away....

Actually, I don't know what I should write about today... status quo still the same... Ms Angel still seems not bothered, but maybe I did ruffle some feathers... she seems a bit disturbed today, maybe a little upset...I don't know... I want to change... I still want to forget her. She did text me last night because I wouldn't return her calls... I'm not bothered... I don't care anymore... I just told her to leave me alone... I hope she respects my decision.

Nothing...

Every step I took today felt heavier and heavier while walking to my office. I wasn't looking forward to seeing Ms Angel at work today. I can see her across the office, sitting there as if life were normal as usual. I can see she doesn't seem phased by what has happened, maybe she doesn't even care really...?? But underneath that tough cold exterior I hope she is suffering the sorrow I am feeling. She hasn't said a word to me yet... She just sits there in silent nature, cool, calm and collected. I have not spoken to her, nor have I looked at her... I want to be strong to turn away. I want to be strong to forget her... I hope I can get thru today....

Healing wounds....

My love for her held no boundaries... My love for her was faithful and true... My love for her held no lies or deceit. I loved her with the sincerity of my heart, without conviction of our differences in race and religion. I've never questioned her love for me, my mistake for being too trusting, instead only knowing that I felt more and more secure with each passing smile and look she gave me everyday. Only now I realise that what ever I have felt from her was only a show of amusement in her eyes. All her promises, all the lies... I've heard them all... I must be the biggest fool to have loved someone like her. What I feel now, what I hear now... is nothing but pain and darkness inside me... I blame her for making me suffer like this. I'm afraid I may not be able to give the next person in my life, the love, trust and smiles as I did with her.

I thank her for finally being able to break me... break my spirit.... break my heart and filling it with sorrow. I'm glad she's enjoying it. I'm choosing my own path now, I'm choosing to let her go, I'm choosing to forget her... I'm praying I'll have the strength to.

"Happiness is never forever. Loving her was easy, losing her was hard.
Loving her is still easy, but knowing she is no longer mine,is the hardest of all."

Neglect....

I couldn't really sleep last night, the darkness was not a friend of mine. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see her with him... whoever he is... Whats happening to me... Waking up this morning, I felt empty, like I wasn't there at all. Almost didn't feel like going to work, but thats just not me. I'm not gonna let her do this to me, I won't let it happen to me. I still wait for her to call or reply my text messages, though I don't realise why I still am... it's already a lost cause... I should assume the worse...

I'm sitting here, thinking about the things she said to me... her words seem worthless in my thoughts now. I hate her for doing this to me, but I still adore her for the person I thought she was. Perhaps I may not be in the right state of mind to say this and maybe I'm just saying this out of anger and spite, but mistakes happen for a reason and she was my mistake... it was my bad to fall for her in the first place. Is this heart of mine too much for her...???

Troubled....

A lot can happen in a week, no, no,... let me rephrase that... A lot can change in a week... I had to go away for a week on work related commitments. I'm still recovering (barely) from the chaotic schedule I had, coming back to the hotel half-past dead everyday can turn anyone off from blogging. Yes, sleeping in a cold bed was the only part of my trip that I truly enjoyed. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of coming home, back to my routine, my life, my family and ofcourse Ms Angel....

Like I said earlier, A lot can change in a week. We barely kept in touch, maybe we were just too busy for each other or maybe we just needed a break from each other...?? I don't know... Today, was my first day back at the office, however after the morning madness, only did I realise that Ms Angel was already on holiday for the upcoming CNY. I was quite suprised really,no mention of an early break in our conversations before, so I thought nothing of it at first. I did send Ms Angel a text message saying that I missed seeing her in the office, but till now it's midnight already and I still don't have a reply from her ??! What's going on here?? I called her handphone around noon, hoping for a short chat... but still no joy... my call was ignored. I think I was more annoyed than curious, but I didn't allow my gremlins to get the best of me. I rang her again, this time my call was answered, but hang on... it was answred by a guy?! Caught off guard, I managed to squeak my voice into asking where Ms Angel was? All I got was an instant cold cold reply from him saying that she was not able to talk to me... what the ...?? How could she ?? I did get to leave a message to the unknown human for her to return my call... before he suddenly hung-up on me, sadly nothing replied, so far. It's past midnight now, I'm tired of waiting. I don't get it... what happened?? Right now, a million questions going through my head, I have no answers, except that it can only be intepreted to the pain and betrayal I'm feeling right now. Why me ?? Why now ?? I hate this... I wonder why my happiness is always short-lived?? I'm tired... I'm going to lie in the darkness of my room and stare blindly. I'm sure the silence will put my mind at ease and deafen my thoughts. I need to close my eyes... it's time to suffer alone...