Weekends....

I didn't hide myself from the world this weekend, it's just too quiet for me... it burdens my thoughts with loneliness... not good for the soul... I went for drives most of the time... more often opting to ride my bike... feels good to blast down the highway at 200km/h... for a moment I felt free of all my intrusions, got to do some catching up with friends from around town... I 'm surprised of the many changes I've seen in the capital, but then again, I don't get out much...so the nightlife was 'happening' more than my usual norm weekend. My close friends were surprise to see me out and about on a Saturday night, yes...a rare occasion for them... I'm usually home stuck to the sofa. I wish I could spend more time with them... but never had the mood to since being hung up over Ms Angel, I can't but help feel guilty that I've left them out of my life for so long... One does need friends when it comes to overcoming obstacles in life...I just hope they don't think I've abandoned them, only to look for them in times of distress... I guess I'm grateful to have a bunch of them on my side, They know how private I am about my life and respect my decisions, even though I never say much to them about it....

Monday feels a little better... waking up to it is my only obstacle... I still hate Mondays! I got to the office a bit later than usual... took my time to enjoy my drive, trying hard not to wonder what Ms Angel did for the weekend. Passing her today, she dared not look at me... I think she realizes how much she's hurt me... I still have not answered her texts nor her calls... I'm slowly trying to accept the fact that we are no more and that she will no longer be around me... I'm trying to figure out how can we part on memorable terms rather than painful ones... I'm starting to feel lonely again... time to go for a walk to clear my head....

Truth...

My days seem never ending... my nights more restless...day in, day out...I go through the same cycle of life...I'm fed up of this. I wonder why I feel so strange inside, like nothing matters anymore. Why do I keep thinking of her...morning, night and day? I try to put these feelings aside, but every time I do, I can see her more clearly in my mind... her eyes... her smile... I can't seem to forget her. Truth be told, I want her so much...I need her more than ever...I miss her... but she's not mine to hold anymore...the truths hurts me, there's no escaping it. My fate is sealed, I am just a puppet in her show of lies. Friends say I'm in love with a lost cause, if only they knew the truth about me, if only... I suffer in silence now... all by myself, without a care in the world... no one else will have to feel my pain. Everyone makes mistakes...even Angels...

Alone...

I barely looked at her today... I didn't want to... it's too painful for me. I could see the sadness in her eyes, like she was in tears...I think she knows I'm keeping my distance...I think she knows I'm letting her go. I drowned myself in my work, not giving my mind the chance to think of her at all. It seems to be working for now, but leaves an ugly mark on my heart...the cold-hearted bitterness that is. Every time she came my way, I just looked at her with an empty stare, pretending as if she wasn't there. It pains me to be like that...but is there any other way to forget someone??!

I feel so alone today, this is what it feels like to suffer from a broken heart...love seemed worthless to her, I gave her my heart, only to find pain in the end and there's nothing I can do about it, except to just move on with my life. With all these emotions I'm going through, I have to hide my true feelings from her...my weakness will be my downfall. I have to keep them locked up inside me, hoping that one day someone will come to save me from all this... Will love find it's way to me again??

When I fall in love....

" The song that soothes my soul...."

Goodbyes...

It's been a quiet weekend for me, stayed indoors, mostly in a daze...looking at my aquarium... needed time on my own, away from the world. Lastly week, Ms Angel dropped the bomb on me...she told me she was moving away to take up a job somewhere in the states. I was shocked...speechless...more over I was in disbelief...I don't accept change easily...never have, my heart felt as if it stopped beating for a while...my mind was numb, I didn't have much to say about it...not that I could do anything to change her mind, it's the choice she's made and I'm sure she has thought it through with little regret of leaving me behind. I feel abandoned by her choice... I know now that I have lost and can't fight anymore. She will be forever gone from my life now... I hope she'll be happy in her new life, while I'm still trying to heal from mine.

Time alone has made me reminisce of the first time we had met and the moments we shared in joy and pain. It put a little smile on me, but then I only felt truly happy when she was mine... Despite the many heartaches I've been through, everything else didn't matter as long as she was around me. But now, all that will change...I have to let go, I have to let go of her from my life...I keep thinking of how am I going to, when I need her so much...I think about my life without her and sorrow wraps itself around my heart. I feel as if the biggest mistake in my life was meeting her, so I have to let go of her... It's better to be in a moment of pain...rather than a lifetime of hurt. It's not that I don't care about her at all...it's because I care for her too much I'm like this. I don't care what she thinks of me after all this, my lips will be sealed...no longer will I speak of her and how I feel about her. No more thoughts of her...no more memories of us...absolutely no more! No matter how hard it'll be... I will erase what feelings I have of her . It may sound cruel and heartless, but I have to turn my back on her... It's the only way to say goodbye until these feelings disappear...

Sleepless...

I've had one too many sleepless nights lately, it's getting to be quite tiresome. I feel that an empty void is growing in my life... The joys of living alone used to have it's perks, but nowadays it's usually the never ending loneliness that I'm struggling with. My bed feels so empty, it just doesn't feel right anymore... She's on my mind each time I close my eyes...then I start to miss her again... I hate that... I'm fed up with it. I don't want to give in to her... I can't show her my weakness. When I think of her, I have to keep telling myself that it's not gonna work between us, that nothing will ever be the same at all...ever... I have to force myself to accept reality. I'm restless with thoughts of her almost every night... Does her absence make my heart grow fonder?? It seems I will never know...

Every time I see her, I just want to tell her of how much I miss her in my life... how much I want her back...but that's not going to happen, expressing these thoughts to Ms Angel may only fill me with regrets rather than happiness. I think to myself, how am I going to really get over her? Misery has marked it's path for me... I'm walking in circles with no end... why does life tend to treat me this way?

Mondays....

Mondays....no one likes Mondays... never have, never will. Back at work today...same story, different day... same life. Walking to my desk, I couldn't help but notice a wide grin on Ms Angel, mmm... something fishy going on here... Anyway, fast forward to 11am, went to see Ms Angel in the privacy of her office, I thanked her for her excellent cleaning skills... it was very much appreciated on my part. I asked her if she did get to spend the night... a wide smile and a gentle nod was all I got in reply?? She just said that she hid a surprise for me somewhere... and to call her if I happen to find it?? Makes me wonder what she's been up too?? Anyway... I'll find out sooner or later. I was relieved that she found it easy to give me back the spare key to my flat... then again I'm paranoid at the same time if whether she made a spare key for herself without me knowing... I'm terrified to think that one day I'll wake up in the middle of the night to find her cozying up beside me... She's the type of person who's capable of that... freaky I know. It's messing up my subconscious mind... badly. With all said and done, I headed back to my office, still in a dilemma over the 'key' but relieved that nothing much happened.

I'm not one to leave the office for lunch breaks, instead I choose to stay in and 'time out' in the comfort of my surroundings... it's just too hot and tiresome to drive somewhere and rush for lunch. I'd usually just have a piece of fruit or something light, my workload kinda subsides my appetite... so there. Lunchtime is the only opportunity I have to update my blog...other than that it'll just be a quick 30 minute nap to refresh myself for the afternoon ahead. I didn't get to do either today, nope... Ms Dragon had to crash herself uninvited and unannounced... We got to chatting about my Shanghai trip and some work related issues... nothing much happening there at first, but I know she is the flirty type... always dropping hints and gestures... and she's not afraid to show it either... she confessed to me that she missed seeing me at work and was thinking of me each time she walked past my empty office... what the?? I'm surprised that she felt that way, then again... I'm speechless too. I just smiled at her and jokingly told her that I'm here now... and that she can stop missing me already. I 'm not ready for another office romance, nor another relationship, but then again I don't want to hurt her feelings and turn her away. I don't know... I can't trust my own judgement nowadays.

Lunchtime was almost over, saved by the clock. It was time to get back to work... Before leaving, Ms Dragon left me an offer for dinner and a movie this weekend... I had mixed feelings on accepting her invitation, but told her kindly that I'll think about it. I didn't mean to 'play hard to get' with her... I just really needed time to make up my mind. I'm feeling lost and uneasy about it now... What am I getting myself into....

Tired misery...

Feels good to be home, but fatigue just ruins the moment... I'm really tired and miserable, I can sleep for a week??!... It's been a long day of travelling and I'm looking forward to snoozing on the sofa... I do hope to stay indoors the whole weekend and hibernate to recover from the hectic schedules of my trip.

Ms Angel has done a good job of looking after my flat, though I do wonder if she did spend the night at all... Everything seems to be just the way I left it, but more over... everything seems to be tidy, so I guess there was some cleaning done somewhere... I feel guilty now for having her do this for me... I should call her to say thanks, but I'm in a nasty mood tonight... and misery does not love company... I don't want to start something with her... I don't want her to take it as an open invitation to stay the night... I may regret it. On second thoughts, I'll just wait till I get back to work next week... but instead, I'll text her tomorrow to let her know I'm back already. I'm starting to feel numb now... my thoughts are lagging... time to sleep...

Good Morning Shanghai...

* photo of Shanghai at Dawn by Nuriko Chan

I'm away for the week... work commitments again. Shanghai has changed a lot since my last trip here a few years back. Haven't had much time to go around, my schedule has been a bit tight lately... meetings,tours and dinners, but I should have some free time soon, before I leave... good opportunity for exploring the sights... I hope.

First day here, and I received a text from Ms Angel... " miss me yet?? " . We are on talking terms, but we're still not together. I could only reply candidly with a "perhaps, maybe or try again tomorrow ;) " . I 'll let her make sense of it... I hope she gets it?? Anyway, I had no choice but to leave my flat keys to her (parents are away too) because I needed someone to feed my pet fish. Ms Angel was more than eager to offer her services and jumped at the chance to get back on my good graces... who else better would be familiar with stuff at my place, besides I still trust her in some sorta way to take care of my flat. She did mention to me that she'll spend the night there sometime in the week on the pretense of helping to do some tidying up etc..etc.. I know her too well... it's just another reason to sleep in my bed and wear my t-shirt... hahaha.. if only she knew that I favoured my sofa more than my bed??! I see no harm at all, since I'm not there anyway. I only reminded her that the rules still apply, that she not bring anyone else there, even her bff... she knows how much I like my privacy... I know she'll respect it. Thinking back to what I have just written makes me miss home now... the weather is cold here and my hotel room is OK... just too quiet I suppose. I'm really grateful that the internet access is free... otherwise life would be dull here... if you know what I mean. Hmm... I've got another 4 hours before dinner, perhaps I'll go for a short walk down the street... fresh air is good, helps to clear the mind... even angels need to stretch their wings...

If I could....

The weekend is finally here... Thank god... I need a break from all this madness... I need to slow down, my body needs to catch up with my mind... that's the level of stress I'm going through. Do angels have 9 lives?? If they did, I would have already exhausted mine days ago. if only...

I woke up feeling much better about myself today, maybe it's a weekend thing?? Thought to myself that maybe this phase of getting over Ms Angel was over... I maybe wrong... but hey, no harm in hoping...right? I still miss her... that can't be helped, must be some sort of withdrawal syndrome... letting go is never easy, we're only human. Ms Angel rang me last night... surprised as I was... I was still not in the mood, but then again... she called, so something must be bothering her. I figured, well what the heck... no harm there. We talked...talked and talked... the conversation went on till the early morning... ok,ok..she did most of the talking, while I did most of the listening. i think she noticed a change in me...good or bad, she didn't say. But anyway, she said I was a different person somehow, that I've changed... and it made her want me more. She talked about us... if our relationship made each other right or if we could ever be together again? All questions, but I have no answers for her... I only said, if we were in a perfect world, I would hold her in my arms till my last breath... enough said. We ended the call after that fearing not to say the wrong things... both feeling sleepy and all. I wonder if I could ever be the man she wants me to be? Then again, I've always been my own person living my own terms, so it's easier said than done in my case. Life is never ever simple for anyone... even for an angel....

Doubts...

I saw the look in her eyes today... it didn't look like she missed me at all... it was more like bitterness rather than misery. Did I succeed in making her hate me?? Am I the enemy now?? It makes me wonder, because every time I turn around, I catch a glimpse of her eyeing me... She stares at me without hesitation or fear... What is she up too?? Is she trying to tell me something? I've been avoiding her all this while, she's invisible to me in sight, but not in mind, I still think about her... what she's up to... if she's ok or not... that sorta stuff... I still feel miserable without her... I'm starting to have second thoughts on whether I made the right choice or not... I've been known to make foolish choices in the past and I've suffered dearly for them. I'm consumed by regret and my head is full of doubts. Maybe I didn't think this over enough... what have I done to her...??!! *sigh* I don't know... I'm uncertain now... Should I make right this wrong of mine?? I need to be alone...

Ramblings...

Living life alone is hard, I'm struggling to get by on my own... each new day is a challenge for me. I'm missing her dearly... I miss the attention of her late night texts, the late night calls of just talking about nothing, but most of all, it's the look in her eyes when she misses me... I dream of that the most... but she broke my heart, hurt my feelings and I'm having a hard time accepting all this pain inside me. I dare not give in to her attempts of getting me back... I dare not look at her anymore, for fear of suffering the same fate as I did before. I get weak when I'm around her... I can't help myself, I'm losing control. I'm not ready to forgive her for all the wrong she has done to me... When I walk past her, I can feel her eyes are fixed on my every move... it scares me to think what goes through her mind at that exact moment... desire or revenge? I guess time can only tell since I give her no opportunity to express herself, so my chances of surviving from this affair remains limited for now...