I'm in KL now... finally got to meet my 'blind-date'...the daughter of a family friend's acquaintance. I'll address her as ' Tengku S '...I gave her a call this morning, it seems she's been expecting my call and sounded excited to meet me...plus she has such a cute voice, very soft spoken and sincere...kinda aroused my interest too. I was more nervous rather than excited really...it didn't feel like butterflies were in my tummy, it was more like elephants stomping inside!? I was confused at why I was feeling this way...I don't know...maybe my mind has too many expectations and assumptions...it's human nature when you're about to expect the unexpected, right...I think...?? Anyway, noontime came...Tengku S said she would meet me at the hotel lobby, since I don't know how she looks like...I asked her at how would I recognise her?? She said...she knows how I look like and will surprise me??! How? I guess mum must have showed her a photo of me...something like that...that made me even more nervous! Well...she did come walking up to me and surprised me...caught off-guard...my nervousness gently faded and she was not what I had expected...she was of average height and build...really fair complexion...shoulder length hair...light blue eyes and a smile to leave anyone speechless?? Her mom is of eurasian-dutch descendant, hence her attributes...it took me a few minutes to come to my senses...yes, she was attractive...I think I was spellbound for a few seconds there...
Introductions aside...we decided to walk over to the Mall and look for a place to have lunch. On the way...we talked about the arrangement our mums had made for us...just to get a laugh over the awkwardness...it made the whole afternoon for us more comfortable after that. Over lunch, we got learn about each other...like what we did...what we like...the usual getting to know you routine basically...Tengku S is a doctor by profession, a paediatrician...because she loves children. She is in her mid twenties, great personality and loves to live for the moment...hence she can be pretty unpredictable actually. After lunch, we walked around the shops for awhile because I needed to get some shopping done...from what I can see, she's a good judge of character and opinionated too...she speaks her mind with confidence and has good taste of choice. In one of the shops, I let her choose a shirt for me...something casual, just to see if she could match my tastes. She was spot-on with her choice...it's like she read my mind...I was fascinated by the way we shared the same wavelength. Hours went by...it was time for us to part ways since she had to leave before getting caught in the infamous KL traffic-jam. Before leaving, she asked if we could meet up in the evening...there was a special place she wanted to take me to...somewhere she knows I've never been to...an experience I'll never forget she says..??! Being adventurous...I agreed, she said she'll text me the details of where to meet her. Seeing her walk away...I couldn't help but think...what if I didn't keep my promise to mum to meet her...it would have been such a loss for me...another regret to live with...
After being well rested for the evening, Tengku S texted me the details of the evening...directions to a club she wanted to meet me at and also to give her a call when I get there. Leaving the hotel with a head full of thoughts wondering where the night would lead to between us...but then again, I was still missing MsDragon... dilemma strikes at the wrong time...it kinda spoils my mood for the evening...I try not to let the guilt get to me...I wanna move on in life...could this be one of the struggles I'll be facing?? The taxi finally arrived at my destination...sure enough I was surprised by where I was...It was a club for sure, just not the one I imagined it to be. What did I get myself into...it was a salsa club...seriously I felt like jumping back into the taxi, in no way am I going be dragged to the dance floor by her. Too late...the taxi left already and there were none in sight...thought to myself to just go with the flow and give her a call. My call was answered instantly...it appears that she was waiting for me all along. She came out to meet me...I was speechless again...she was dressed as a Latin dancer...black halter neck dress with a thigh cut slit, her hair done up and all...it's another side of her I'm impressed with...she fits the part so well. She introduced me to her group of friends...her dance partners she says...a nice friendly bunch. I pleaded with her not to make me dance...since I'm the type with two left feet...clumsy that is. She smiled and said that she won't make me do what I wouldn't want to, but before the night is over...she wanted to have the last dance with me??!! So there I was, sitting in a booth facing the dance floor...She's a great dancer...so agile...she danced with so much passion in her steps. In between dances she would cosy up to me to ask me how I was doing...I think she could tell I was more nervous about the dancing bit and assured me not to worry about it...that everything will turn out fine.
The time finally came...she walked up to me...took my hand and pulled me to the dance floor. Unknown to me...it appears that the last dance of the club is always the slow dance to end the night...that I could do...she held me tight and we just enjoyed each others company from that moment on. It truly was and still is a night to remember after all...
... and I've already made the arrangements for her flights & hotel, since I'll be here again next month too...so many loose issues remain unresolved at work...even after spending a week here...it isn't enough to settle the dramas at work. I guess it'll be a once-a-month trip to Singapore for me from now on, till January 2009 I hope... By the way, in case anyone wonders... I still haven't replied any of MsAngels texts... :) I guess she's still wondering about the other day... 
The pain of waiting is like looking for forever... Waiting...waiting for her to give me that sweet embrace...to have her gently in my arms...I'm patiently waiting for that day. Through day and night...my thoughts are of her, am I dreaming of a better tomorrow or another hopeless reality?? I wish I could just hold her close, I wish I could just hold the warmth of her hand...but there is a space between us...the distance is giving me nothing but pain. Patience takes time...time is frozen when she is away from me...her love drifts away further...how do I overcome this loneliness??
It is often said that "Life" is always what you make of it... I guess that much is true, we choose our own paths in life, no one else determines our destiny but ourselves. Despite the cheerful festivities of Aidilfitri, I find myself still enveloped in sadness and confusion. Sadness because It's another year alone by myself, while close friends are out celebrating with their intimate others... Confusion because whatever relationship I have with Tengku S doesn't seem to go past the infatuation we have for each other... maybe I'm just in resentment??! 
How do you expect the unexpected...? It’s come to a point, Where I don’t know what to expect anymore. No idea who to run to, A month ago I was a mess...because all day I’d think of her. Now I sit back with relief...a feeling which comforts me. I've made my decision to be alone for now...I don't need any distractions...I want to carry on with my life...meet new people and maybe try new things...but I guess my choices are short-lived for now...
What's the use...the more I turn myself away from her...the more I think of her...the more I want her... useless thoughts on my mind...no answers, just more questions. MsDragon finally showed up at my hotel room tonight...I was at a loss for words from the start, we both were...at first it was the small talk...little things were said, but there were more gestures in her touch. MsDragon is not the type to hide her feelings...she's more of the expressive type...so her actions spoke louder than words...I for one should know...sometimes she's much too affectionate for me...more than I can handle. I could tell that she wasn't completely over me...she didn't hesitate at all, not wasting a precious moment, she had her arms around me as if she found a long lost toy... how could I turn her away now...it felt so right to be in her arms, to have her whisper her words in my ear...I know I'm going to regret tonight...I know I'll be flying home with a broken heart, and a head full of messed up thoughts...
It's cold here...very miserably cold...the snow is thick and slippery...I'm thankful I brought my winter gear along. Actually, I got an e-mail from MsDragon before I left...1 of her daily updates to me...asking me to bring my winter clothes along since it snowed heavily this week...being not surprised about it...she knew of my arrival here...I guess she still does have connections (aka spies) in the office still...I should be more careful from now on, not too leak any future travel info outside of my own department...safer that way for me. It's been a busy schedule since I got here...meetings...visits...consultations and dinners... the usual...all work and NO play travel. i hope i'll get some free time to myself soon...just for an afternoon 'chilltime' in the city would do...not much to ask for...I'm not the shopping type of traveller...more laid back instead.
I can't make right any of my past mistakes...I can only learn from them...even if I've never regretted them either and I can't change the person I am...it's not my fault if i wasn't born PERFECT. My day started out fine...besides the stress of my heavy workload...I felt a slight sense of freedom from not having to lock myself inside my office...no more worries of Ms Angel steam-rolling in to an awkward confrontation. 
The end has come... I feel so betrayed...only misery fills my mind. I don't know how much more I can take this... Got to talk to Ms Angel, she wanted to say her final goodbyes...after some time, she broke the news to me...apparently she's been going out with another colleague of mine...it's been going on for the last year or so...shocked, I kept silent most of the time, with nothing more than a short "bye"...I hung up and switched off my phone. Maybe she could hear the pain in my voice...last I heard her say was "pleease..." then I ended the call. Sitting alone here...I'm so helpless and I can't help think how betrayed I feel. ' Lost ' is but an understatement... I thought I knew her...I thought she belonged to me...I thought she would never lie to me. She made me believe I had her...I gave her my time, my heart, yet she broke it into pieces. Lied, cheated, tricked and fooled thoughts are going through my mind with no end. This hurt will turn into hate...and her words will no longer mean anything to me. Why is it that the ones you love always end up hurting you instead??!
My life is just a lie... Do they know how it is, like when you tell people you're okay...but actually you really want to die inside ??! Many words have been spoken...most of them lies... The expression on my face, the one that all can see...it shows little of what I feel and what I'm going through...
I still miss her...I'm still thinking of her...I'm still hurting because of her...Ms Dragon will be my end. Even the Ms Angel did hurt me this way, with her I was just more miserable. Is this how it feels to be with some one you can't have...or is this just a phase I have to brave myself through... Dare I use the L word ?? Am I in love with her... it's a big step, a huge commitment I suppose...
Another day...I find myself alone... Another day without hearing her voice, seeing her face... Miss Dragon is still on my mind...I can't help it, I miss her. I wonder if she's thinking of me too?? Maybe I should just let it be... maybe I should let her go from my life and walk away... I should forget about her and move on in life, without her...It's always easier said than done or forgotten in my case. I don't know...I just don't expect all the lies and pain to go away anytime soon. But it's time I pull myself together...we're both in different worlds. They say time will heal all wounds...well that's wrong! The more I wait for her...the more I realise time hurts as much as it heals...I'm silently broken inside...I hope she knows that...
What I'd rather be doing now?... I'd rather ride my bike and be a fool... than stay indoors another minute, locked up in here bored and all... I'd rather be out in the heat of the sun than spend another minute on the sofa flipping channels on TV. *sigh* A whole lot of other things I'd rather be doing than being in this condition of mine... It's about time everyone knew... I'm unwell... and I had to go away to get myself fixed, now it's recovery time... 4 weeks of recovery that is... so having minimal movement associated with pain and boredom can really be frustrating for a guy. No one knows the pain I had to go through...but it just had to be done and I blame no one but myself. Nuff said. Hence the missing posts two weeks back. 
