Lost without you...

Lost.... how can one feel 'lost' ?? Is it an emotion?... a feeling?... a sadness?? Different people interpret 'lost' in different ways. As for me, I would interpret 'Lost' as a feeling of emptiness, as if time has stood still. Bewildered or confused...it's the same thing. I feel I'm losing a battle I have not fought... it's not a joy to live with. I blame Ms Angel for all this...for making me feel this way, but I'm not the vengeful type... I may live in spite...but not hate... never.

Something happened today, I saw her heading out to lunch with some guy... it hurt for me to see that, she passed me as if I was invisible, not even a slight response, as if I'm a total stranger, it's bad enough she's been avoiding me the whole week....no text reply, no more messages, no calls returned... Maybe there's no 'me' in her life anymore. Should I assume the worse or has the storm just begun?? Yes, 'Lost' is how I'm feeling today, nothing else on my mind except jealousy and pain. I'm trying not to let it turn to hate, I'm trying to not let my emotions get the best of me... I want to move forward... it's just that she makes me feel like I'm back to square one. I don't want to be like this... am I weak or just naive?? ....Leave me be... leave me alone....

Ignorance unaccepted....

Another cold wet miserable day.... looking out my window I wonder why Ms Angel doesn't answer my calls nor reply my text messages anymore?? There are difficult questions between us, no answers ...just questions. I try not to think about it really, but the mind works in mysterious ways and negative thoughts always find their way to hurt my feelings. I'm feeling shallow.... used and forgotten. Is this pain worth it ?? The sacrifices I've made for her... the things I've put up with... I have no one to blame but myself... I have my regrets. I suffer alone.

Today is Christmas eve... I wonder what she's up to? I don't celebrate it, but I do wish her well. We have not made any plans for the coming new year, though I wish we did. Unfortunately for me, everything is rocky between us at the moment, just the thought of asking seems so awkward...it just feels so out of place... u know bad timing as they say.... not my luck at all this year. With regards to new year resolutions, I still thinking of some... I've accomplished about 70% of my list for 2007 and I hope next year, I get to complete whatever I've planned for myself.

It just started raining heavily again.... weather seems to put a damper on my day.... guessing I'll be staying in again.... wondering..wondering..

Acceptance of Truth....

It's been a long and tiring week..... I'm exhausted.....really.... I'm in no mood to blog...but hey, the show must go on....not that I have any readers...just that it has to go on...

I received a wedding invitation this week, quite surprised to see one this late in the year... upon opening it, saw it was from my past love (what I've done). However, the wedding was sometime in November? I'm confused?? Why send an expired invitation at all.... It occurred to me that she was giving me the 'heads up' because who knows we may run into each other and be able to avoid an awkward situation. Or it maybe a way of telling me that she's off the market...who knows? Anyways, I'm happy for her...really I am... I'm glad to know some guy out there is looking after her...giving her the affection she deserves. I just can't help to feel a bit sad that I didn't get to that stage with her. Anyways, we parted so suddenly and if this is her way of making amends to getting my blessing than I'm give it to her freely. I did some checking on the lucky groom, well all I can say that 'love has no boundaries, even age' why?? Well i think he's about 10years older than her...older than me I might add..anyways whats important is that they're happy, that's what counts!

As for me and Ms Angel...well we're still at it...a never ending tug-of-war, I just don't understand where she can be affectionate one day...and heartless the next... weird..way weird... but it keeps me on my toes. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day... I hope.

Trying times...

I've tried and tried again... but nothing seems to work. Ms Angel has me hooked up on her, wherever I go,I have a 'phobia' of bumping in to her. she knows I'm a creature of habit and can easily guess my hangouts or my retreat as I so fondly call it. I'm afraid she'll show up suddenly...and that makes me scared...scared to face her. Can't get why I'm feeling like this. All I know is that I shouldn't be like this, put myself in this dilemma. However human nature is a force to be reckon with and never goes down without a fight. I think she's kinda put me in my place, since I'm not a fighter...nor am I the vengeful type... *sigh* This sucks.... She has me on hook line and sinker and she knows it....

Introducing ... Ms Angel

Where do I start? I don't know? How do I? ??? These are the questions constantly cropping in my mind daily... I feel lost...I feel abandoned...and on the side...slightly used??! It all because of 'her'...wait a minute, from now on I'll just address 'her' as 'Ms Angel'. It's about time I gave her a nickname, since she's the only reason why I started this blog in the first place... Anyway, I'm still on holiday and trying to live the carefree moments I have all to myself.... but yeah, Ms Angel just had to text me..asking me If I miss her?? What the...??! I'm kinda caught off-guard about it.... *sigh* There goes my afternoon of tranquility and people-watching at Dome....

I do not know how to reply her, I just can't find the words....but I do miss her...however, giving her the pleasure of letting her know the way I feel is a no-no. I used to be obsessed about her...I guess 'being in love' will do that to anyone...but not me anymore, I just don't want to seem desperate. You know, play the ' hard to get' tactics...hahaha....in theory maybe it'll work...who knows? Well I finally decided not to text her back...I'll just keep her wondering.....Let's see how she feels when the tables are turned....against her.

Pause in time....

Greetings...it's been a while...remember me? Life has been on hold for me quite a while,guess work issues have kept me tied down to my desk...though I do wonder each time , when will i ever get to update my blog...when o' when??! Anyway I'm finally on holiday now, yes i have 3 weeks off from work and I intend to enjoy it to the fullest...indeed!! So what's been happening lately....hmmm..updates on the highlights of my life...err...'She' is no longer apart of my life..however she's still stuck in my mind like a salesman who gets his foot jammed in your front door...always there,never wanting to go till he makes a sale!..driving me nuts! I reckon she feels the same way too..but she just can't commit...and I'm just too fed up.

My parents are back too...they decided to spend the Raya season away from here, leaving yours truly to hold down the fort,yes it was chaotic maintaining the responsibilities of home and work..never again.

I've been persuaded by a mate to join up on 'Facebook'....finally...it's cool,somewhat addictive but in a way...kinda shows a different side to someone whom you thought was the exact opposite. Kinda realise after doing a search, that yeah, I do have some 'friends' in this lonely planet.. I'm wondering how I'm gonna spend my holiday now, planning to do some travelling...but on the other hand...staying at home doing nothing sounds just fine...I dunno..lets see...as you may know, everything and anything still depends on one's mood.

Heard on the Astro channel that there's gonna be a mega-concert in KL at the end of the month..sounds cool, maybe I should go..it's been a while since i travelled alone on holiday...gosh I sound like such a loser...*sigh* Elliot Yamin will be performing 'wait for you' there...nice...

Promises....

I'm back again...and yes, still no time to post anything to my blog...Again it feels great to be home and see the family. It feels great to see 'her' too. Time apart can be good for some people, especially those stuck in limbo on whether their actually going out or not...you know what I mean, major flirting without the major commitment sorta thing.

Well, about my trip, the hotel I was staying in was supposed to have internet access, and it did. Unfortunately, it wasn't free and to access, it costs an arm & a leg. I'm grateful that the office had wi-fi, at least I was able to chat with 'her' via my phone. Being apart has helped us both learn more about each other, since what we have is so low key, we don't even talk in the office,like complete strangers. This was a mutual thing so as to not raise any eyebrows. There came a point during our separation where she would continuously text me, saying she missed me... it made me smile and I appreciate the attention.

Ramadhan is closing in, and one has to practise patience...something I regret to say that I don't have, but will try to achieve. 'She' by the way is non-muslim but still respects my religion and understands my way of life, for that makes me want to be with her more.....

Mind the Gap....

Have been caught up with my work here lately, I'm just too busy to miss home....It's 2am here and I'm wondering what 'she' is up too? I did send her a text message, just to keep in touch and all. Ok...Ok, it was just another lame reason for me to tell her that I did miss 'her'. Anyways, the weather has been cold & wet since I got here, I have not seen the sun, nor have I felt any heat from it. Winter showers suck big time! This should give anyone reading this an idea to my whereabouts..if interested.

For the past few days, I've had her constantly on my mind, deep thought maybe. I held myself back from texting her...probably just curious on who will text who first. Guess I lost because I could wait any longer, sent her a text message around midnight here... back home she would have just started work... let's see if she replies instantly. Message sent 2:18AM

Message received 2:26AM " Would it make you smile, If I said that I do miss you? "

Yes, she did put a smile on me, I didn't expect that sort of a reply. It's the "I do... " that's the icing on the cake. I dare not reply...Let's just wait and see, what lies for me tomorrow. I maybe tired, hungry and cold, but just knowing that I'm in her thoughts is enough to keep me warm.

Life goes on...

Another Saturday afternoon spent chilling at one of my favourite watering hole...and yes, I'm alone..no entourage here. This whole saga between me and 'her' is really an endless story to which an ending does not seem any close. Hmm..does that sound right??! I 'm rambling again. Anyways, we were supposed to meet up...however she had to stray away to a few commitments, leaving your truly by himself. *Sigh* what else is new.

I've been scrolling through my older posts.... It did somehow put a light smile to my face, reading back on how much pain I was in a while back. Thinking if whether I would get through it all etc... I wonder where has it all gone? Am I stronger now or am I just being ignorant? All I know is that I still miss her...I hope she does feel the same way too.

I was surfing on LL's blogspot, I do enjoy a good read from her but lately she hasn't put up any posts?? LL where are you ?? Another blog favourite of mine is 'cintaislove' , maybe some guys don't have to suffer alone...

I'll be away again tomorrow on work commitments for about a week, but this time I'll be able to update my blogs more regularly since the hotel I'll be staying at has free wi-fi, way cool. Currently, it's raining heavily here, its the type of weather where one would stay indoors and cuddle up with a loved one. if only.... if only...

It's all good...

Had dinner with 'her' the other day, it's all good. We worked out the mysteries between us... it seems that she too can't tell what I'm feeling. She was afraid that she had hurt my feelings and didn't know how to deal with it. The sad thing is, she's not sure of her feelings for me, I guess the 'zing' has died down between us...her words, not mine. I told her how much I missed her and how miserable I've been. Talked about a few things too, but no long term commitments discussed. I mentioned to her about how I started blogging to vent my feelings, you know, like keep track of what has happened to me and was paranoid that she had found out about it. She eagerly asked me what the site address is, but I stood my ground on keeping this blog a secret. Anonymity is a powerful tool, if used properly that is.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time, make my life like it was before..my happy times. Yes, I wish I could...For now, I'm content on getting my life with 'her' back on track, but I'm still not expecting much, nope..I'm trying not to deal in more disappointments. it's just too painful.

Home Sweet Home....

Finally, I'm back home... It's been a while since I posted my last blog. I've been away on work commitments, for about 2 weeks. Seriously, it's the first time I've been to country where the internet service is only available in government offices and 5-star hotels. Not even wi-fi at any leading cafes... each time I asked if they had wi-fi, the barista kept asking what kind of drink it was??... Hence the lack of blogging... I really suffered from internet withdrawal syndrome there..??!

Anyway, I got back last Thursday and am only supposed to start work fresh on Monday. But knowing me, I just had to stop by at the office on the pretense of looking for some stuff I needed. It was a good feeling to be in the office environment, it felt welcoming...little did I remember that 'she' would be there...As soon as I reached my table I could see her face light up as if she had seen a ghost. Maybe it was an unexpected reaction, but nonetheless it was a surprise. For an instant I thought to myself that it's just me, she doesn't feel anything for me anymore...or does she??

I received an sms shortly after that...It was from 'her' it read " It's good to see that your finally back.... you look great.... I missed you!! ...." I was not expecting that from 'her' . I was not expecting anything at all, I gave up on 'her'...I'm over her...I guess I was wrong. All those memories i left behind, soon came flooding back....my shoulders never felt so heavy with distress. Some of my colleagues had come over for a chat, you know, asking the usual stuff about my trip. I could feel her eyes fixed on me from behind.. I hated that...it's like someones got a gun pointed to your back and you're powerless to do anything.

I left in a hurry after that, so much mixed emotions inside me...should I be happy...should I be angry...I just don't know what to feel. I had to get outta there. while walking towards my car, I could hear someone calling out to me from behind, I turned, it was 'her'. she asked why I was in such a rush to leave, I just mumbled something out in panic while trying to get my car door open. next thing I knew she got inside with me, my worst fears had come to haunt me. What am I supposed to do now?? She started by asking me stuff about my trip...general stuff...then she dropped the bomb by saying "you didn't reply my message...so you don't miss me issit??" I told her, I did miss her and that I've never stopped feeling that way about her. I guess that made her day, she held my hand after that. I never would have guessed it would turn out this way, I suppose absence does make the heart grow fonder. I'm just confused about the feelings I have for her or hers towards mine. she suggested that we meet up for dinner later to do some catching up on lost time between us. I agreed, hoping that it'll answer so many mysteries between us.

I'm feeling happier now while writing this post, nothing can wipe this grin I have. I just hope it'll last this time. I'm just too tired to be hurt now... and too hurt to be expecting much tonite. let's see how things go...maybe it'll be a happy ending after all... who knows....

Letter to her...

Dearest '.....'

I really don't know where to start... it's not easy for me, but I hope you understand the things I have to say. I wish I can tell you that I'm feeling better each day, but we both know that's not true. I hate how much I care about you and I do admit that I really miss you, even though I know these feelings are usually in vain. There's just so much that has happened between us that time cannot erase, forgetting about it hurts so much because you had my heart. I really can't explain why I need you and why I just can't let you go, but it feels like everyday I've died. Do you still think about me at all? You never tell me how you feel, when you look at me, I have to look away because I don't want you to see all this pain inside me. The situation doesn't seem fair to us both and I keep asking myself, how do I move on..??

Letting you go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Some may say being in a relationship is so hard, but to me the hardest thing really, is being alone....

Joe Black

Away....

Being away from the people you love and miss, makes you do silly things... I for one, am part of the unlucky few. Not stupid, just silly-not-what you-would-do-everyday kinda stuff. I miss home and I'm looking forward to getting back soon.... hence the lack of recent posts. I miss sleeping in my own bed too....heeheehee...
Being away from my normal environment has also helped to think about my life, since I have no distractions here except for work that is. I suppose this trip away was a much needed break from my routine back home. Yes, 'alone time' is always good for the soul.... gosh..I'm rambling again...anyway no tantrums lately... but I promise a good post when I get back...if it matters to anyone reading..that is..

Love & Hate.....

I have that feeling deep inside that she hates me...and there's nothing more I can do to change that feeling of me. It's that kinda feeling when every time I look at her, all I can see in 'her' eyes is hate, even her words are spoken in spite. She treats me like yesterdays trash, she enjoys seeing the grief I go through daily. I'm too tired to play her mind games anymore. I've lost the battle and the war is over. I'm done trying to get 'her' back into my life. None of my previous relationships have made me suffer so much than this for so long. My life is now filled with pain. This pain is the only thing keeping me sane, it reminds me to keep in touch with my reality, away from the madness. I want to hate 'her'....

I have no regrets with the decision I made, letting go of someone is not the easiest thing, but forgetting someone is crushing. I'll find a way to forget... it's the best I can do for now, after all I'm only human....

Wondering....

Every morning I get to thinking on how my day would turn out like? I wonder if I'll get through it? I wonder what dissapointments I'll face today? I wonder if my situation with 'her' will be better today than it was yesterday? I wonder if she will start talking to me today? I wonder if I'm in her thoughts today?

So many questions and yet, rarely any answers.....

Losing it...

I couldn't stand it anymore, I just had to break the silence between us... I'm fed up with of all this... I can't take it anymore. I finally got the courage to walk up to 'her' and asked bluntly " Do you hate me? " . I must have caught her off-guard, she looked stunned rather than surprised really. Almost immediately the response was a solid " No! " followed by a cold snap of " why??! " I panicked and just walked away....it was stupid of me. I was not expecting that, I should have planned out my approach better. I panicked, I was not prepared. Mid morning, I got an e-mail from 'her' asking why I had asked such a question? I replied, telling 'her' how I've felt all this time and how much I miss her so much.

That was 4 hours ago...and still no reply. I'm losing hope here... I'm at a crossroads with no sense of direction...do I go left or right or do I just stay there till I get directions... I feel so lost... I feel hopeless.

Friends....

Definition of a FRIEND

A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.

I've come to realise that I have no friends now, not literally I mean... it's just that I have no friends to hang out with anymore. Most of them are too busy with their marriages or their relationships. How ironic it is that I'm single and have no friends to enjoy the single life with. This always happens to me, friends have come and gone, maybe there's something wrong with me??

I'm not used to going out alone, I always have my best buddy tag along with me whereever I go, even overseas trips, you know like an 'aide de camp' . Someone to confide in and assist me or just give me a second opinion on stuff, more usually it's just someone to share a good time with. Ha..ha...some people have even presumed me to be gay?! Hahaha. That was the past, my best buddy is married now with 2 kids and in the middle of constructing his first home. So between work, family and home construction, time with me has been quite non-existent. I guess everyone has to grow-up and move on right?? Don't get me wrong, I'm not being selfish here. I'm happy for him to have accomplished so much in his life, but the truth remains that, he's left a friend behind and that's one worst thing a buddy can do.

While I'm sitting here alone at a cafe, writing up this tantrum, I'm surrounded by women having their Saturday afternoon gossip session. There's a group of women at the next table comparing their breast sizes and deliberating whether to go for breast augmentation or not. I feel so outnumbered and insecure, wish my partner-in-crime was here so we could share a really good laugh about it.

Nowadays, I'm usually by myself, I have to move on and not depend on anyone else anymore. I can do what I want to do,I can be what I want to be. Life is never perfect, I can't always have everything my way....

Man is not the creature of circumstances, circumstances are the creatures of men. We are free agents, and man is more powerful than matter.

Life Philosophy of Benjamin Disraeli

Confessions in pain...

Today's not such a good day after all. Bad day at work.. it's raining like no tomorrow.. and when I got home, I slipped on my steps, fell and banged my head. A bad & painful ending to another horrible day. Just got back from the hospital, now I've got a 2 inch long scar on my head which required about 8 stitches... I'm in pain and I'm lonely... I miss 'her'

" This is not my day...really..it isn't....."

Walking away...

What can I blog about today... it's been playing on my mind the whole morning... I'm trying hard not to write about 'her'.. emphasis on 'trying' ok?! So please give a guy a break...

Well, lets see.. so far the morning has went well... no problems there. In regards to 'her'. 'She' still thinks I don't exist... 'She' still doesn't give me a second glance... 'She' still doesn't want to hear a word I say and I know 'She' doesn't even care .... so what else is new??

The weekend is coming up, promised my little angel of a niece I'd take her to the movies. I can't wait to see her. She's my little angel and her moms, little devil... kids... don't we all wish could be them once again. *sigh* I've always wanted to have children in my life, but due to a previous life I know I may not have that chance anymore. Anyway, one can remain an optimist and hope...right?

What reminds me....

I've been indulging myself with stuff I don't normally do, lately like reading a novel, looking at the skies in deep thought or chillin to the tunes on my ipod while eating loads of ice cream. I usually stick to my daily afterwork schedule of going to gym/cycling/ running etc.. to keep myself busy. Perhaps I'm trying to breaking away from the norm, I think? For example, like watching more tv than I usually do. I'm not a sci-fi fan, but I've been addicted to the latest season of Battlestar Galactica, due to one reason. The character Boomer aka Sharon and in reality Grace Park, really reminds me of 'her'... well she has an uncanny resemblance to her, about 80% in my eyes...maybe?! Anyway she's hot... it sounds pathetic that I can relate 'her' to Grace, but I have nothing else to hold on to. It keeps me content and amused for now. As much as I try not to miss 'her' , she's still on my mind at times. Must be part of the withdrawal syndrome cycle one faces after a severe break-up.

" I'm trying to be a survivor ... while waiting to be rescued... that's all..."

Forget me to forget you....

I was away for the weekend, finally got the chance to sneak away for some much needed R&R without taking leave. I got to thinking about 'her' and trying to accept the fact the all is no more. I guess that brief happiness I encountered was short-lived and today the situation remained the same. I don't want to try and I don't want to suffer anymore. I just want to carry on with my life but maybe I'm just expecting too much. I don't know what I want anymore. Life is really messed up now. Recently found out that I am actively blocked on her MSN, this hasn't made it easier too. She must really hate me to do that. I don't know how to fix this or if it is meant to be fixed, but in time I hope I can get over this. I need to forget this part of my life....

If only maybe....

One action has a million meanings... In my case, it was just another morning, on my way to the water cooler, I was passing by 'her' place. I expected the usual 'I hate you' look, but instead I got a smile and a silent 'hi' ?! I was totally unprepared and confused some what... but I was more shocked than happy. It felt like being on top of the world for a minute. Hold on? What's going on here? Why all of the sudden? No matter, at least it's a start. All this time, just the silence between us is so tormenting. I have so much to say to her, so much to tell her but each time I want to, I end up getting so tight-lipped that it's frustrating. I miss her, and if she asked, I would surrender my heart to her without hesitation. I would give it my all this time, if only given the chance. If only...that is...

Tomorrow is another day, I hope it'll be a pleasant one as today. I don't want to make any empty promises to myself anymore but If things are stating to work out, maybe there is a silver lining in my dark cloud after all... maybe....

My pain....

She looked so 'hot' today, I couldn't keep my eyes off her...man oh man...give me strength. All I got today was a cold stare in return for my smile. Maybe I'm nothing to her now, maybe trying to win her back is not the answer... I don't know, this is coming from a confused mind.... She doesn't reply my e-mails, nor respond to any communication I have with her. Am I being forgotten or ignored? Why is she deliberately doing this to me? All these questions and no one to answer them, I feel lost and abandoned. There is no way to force someone to love you, you can only earn it. However in my case, 'she' refuses to even let me know what is actually wrong, there are no signs at all. I'm in the dark and I'm scared. I don't want to feel like this anymore... it hurts so much inside. I may not look it, but it's there everyday. There's only so much I can cope... I don't know how much longer I can take this...

Ignore me...

Another day, another tantrum... Things at the office are kinda slow today, not much action going on. My weekend was fairly dead too... I hope this week goes by fast... I 'm stressed out till my toes hurt?!, I can't wait till the next long weekend during HM's Birthday. I really need a holiday. I'm restless, my mind is zoned out today after seeing 'her' at the office today. I'm fed up of feeling the heavy hand of being ignored, it sucks, I hate it. I've tried and tried again to win her back without giving out any hint of desperation, but still no joy, I'm still being ignored. Some people would say that if it's not meant to be, why not accept fate? That just doesn't register to me, I'm just hung-up on her, hung-up really bad that it hurts. As hard as I try to elude the thoughts of 'her' , in some sort of twisted way I'm reminded of her if not in reality than in my dreams. Is it maybe that we work together? I don't know. I am not interested in analysing the issue, just more on solving it. If all else fails I have wondered on the thought of resigning, quite drastic I know, But I can't think of any other way of saving my sanity. We're there everyday, facing each other but the ignorance between us feels like we're on separate continents. How you say, " ...so close but yet so far..."

What I've done....

Another boring Saturday, nothing much planned. Been glued to the tube whole morning, watching channel 78 on Astro. The cars are cool...Which also reminds me, I have to get my ride washed. I looked out my window, grey clouds?! Ok scrap that thought then. Hmm..what else can I occupy myself with...let's see, the cat's fed, sent laundry to mum's place...mmm..yeah update my blog to share with the world about my dull existence. haha

Anyway, really thought long & hard (hey..hey...for the yellow-minded readers, I don't mean,what you think I mean ;) ) about 'her'. I thought of what she would be up to , where would she be, would I be on her mind... that sorta thing. I miss her and I'm just too proud to say it. Yes, I do regret saying that I want to forget her. Nobody is perfect. Everyone makes their mistakes. Maybe I'm just a memory to her, waiting to be forgotten. This is a part of love I'm not so fond of, missing someone and not being missed...

Before her, I've had my fair share of relationships, some good and others not worth mentioning or forgotten. I do not regard myself as a player, not charming enough to be one anyway. My first love found my best buddy to be such a great lover, little did she know, she found out the ugly way that he was a great lover to every girl he knew... After her, I was in and out of relationships. I met this girl, she was cool, great mind, great body and looks that would drive a guy nuts with joy. She was a very down-to-earth-girl-next-door type, you know, the one mum would approve of. Just one obstacle, she'd just been dumped by her fiance because he was bumping uglies with his buddy's girlfriend (sounds familiar??). Now a girl on the rebound, very bitter, defensive and unapproachable is not an easy tackle. But then again, nowadays no girl is an easy tackle right?... I guess they have their standards too. We became close friends, but she was away most of the time on work commitments and that she occasionally stayed with her dad in KL. She works as a part-time model, remember the chick in the Vochelle ad?? Her parents divorced when she was younger so she was used to living a divided life. It was great to meet someone like her, we had so much in common, we would even be able to finish each others sentences. I thought she's the one, no doubt about it. Things were going great for a couple of months, friendship turned to love and we were inseparable. Even when she was a away for a month long shoot, distance and time was not relevant to us. We 'skyped' at each and every opportunity we had. Then it happened, just after Raya, she got some disturbing e-mails, stuff about me ... ugly stuff about me. She received threatening e-mails too, saying to leave me alone. I suppose someone out there went through a whole lot of trouble to find out her e-mail address... I kept our relationship on such a low-key, even my close buddies were in the dark. Till today, I'm still wondering how and who made it happened. She couldn't take it anymore, she left me, left the country and I haven't seen her since. My messages were never replied, my calls were never answered. I was heartbroken again, I was lost. I sent her a final message, which I hope she read...

" I can't force you for anything... I respect your decision to leave me and as hurtful as it is, I will leave you alone as I'd rather that we part with good memories than sad ones . I'm really sorry for all the pain I've caused you to suffer and hope one day you will find love in your heart to forgive me. Lastly, I want to thank you for the good moments we shared and for all the smiles & laughs you've given me. I will miss our little chats the most. Take care of yourself and I hope you will find someone out there to take care of your heart and appreciate you as I did."

I think of her sometimes, and I hope she does think of me too. Even though we are no more, I do wish her each year on her birthday and I hope one day she will realise how much I really cared for her....

Whatever...

It's July already, way past the half-year mark on the calender... With such a chaotic lifestyle, I guess time goes by really fast. As the saying goes time & tide wait for no one. I'm feeling really stressed from my work schedules, my project commitments and my personal commitments/ activities. Also issues of 'her' have also been a major contributing factor. So I'm trying to get some time off work, just to get some R&R, some 'me' time to recollect on what have I accomplished for the first half of 2007, Like if I've achieved my resolutions and what not. Actually, It's just stuff that needs some attention in my life, that sorta thing. However going on leave is easier said than done for me. It's just so conditional, because in my line of work, one cannot go on leave unless there is a replacement. The bad news is my replacement just resigned last month... ohcrap! *sigh* The good news is, there's always a back-up replacement. Hahah...it's great to have a back up, who has another back up? The boss say's it's " capacity planning " in the workplace, I call it "in case of emergencies". I'm set!..I'm gonna book my flight...woohoooo!!

Just my dumb luck, my replacement's back-up is on maternity leave till August. :(
Oh well...

I am Paranoid....

After my last post, I have a creeping suspicion... she's found out about my blog?! Yes, i get paranoid easily... I'm insecure and humbly embarrassed. Don't know why I feel this way today... She's been giving me cocky looks..whats up with that?? I caught her staring at me this morning... she looked so cheeky with that grin... ok..ok...it was more of a smirk, but a cute one none the less.. I miss that playfulness of hers... *sigh* she can be quite the tease....

Could it be true that she has been reading my blogs? But how? I started this blog as an escape from my reality, a place where I can express my tantrums, a place where I can hide my sadness..., a place where I can try to make sense out of my dilemmas. To reassure myself, I have checked my site monitor for the umpteenth time... I'm optimistic but not convinced. I wonder what would happen if she did? It still won't make things right... I want to forget her... I remind myself everyday... It's as if she has this sixth sense and can tell when I'm trying to ignore her. All she has to do is look at me... and I will fall. Maybe that's how Superman felt about telling Lois Lane who he really is??! Hmmm.....

"The first step is always the biggest leap..."

I'm getting tired of this... I want to blog about other stuff, but my mind is so hooked up on 'her'... I'm hell bent on going through this... I want to forget... I want to forget... I want my life back!!...

I am immune....

Given it deep thought over the weekend, I have made the decision to just sit on the sidelines of my life about 'her'. As stated in a previous post, it's all over, we're complete strangers to each other now, we innocently stay out of each others way as if it was a game of chess...Every move I make has to be planned in advance so that we don't get into an awkward place where we have to look or say something to each other. We have to act so alien to each other, it's just so platonic, that even close friends wonder about the long silence and tense looks between us. I mean, not that there was ever a serious relationship between us... infatuation, admiration plus the frequent subtle flirting. Maybe our feelings are mutual... just don't know to what extent, or maybe we're just being cautious??

Correct me if I'm wrong, I find that it's very difficult for females in our local culture to come clean about their feelings, be it happiness or misery. Probably because we don't have such an 'open door' culture to our thoughts?! I guess more women are reserved and choose not to confide with anyone. This really makes it difficult for a guy to figure whats going on... it's like driving blindfolded at night, with no lights and the sunshade on?! The next thing that happens is, they try to ignore you just like sweeping dead leaves to the side of the road, it's there,but nobody bothers to throw it away. I've realised this sometime ago... but mind you, ladies that have been either raised abroad or more open-minded tend to be more in-touch with their feelings... they are more able to express their affections...tantrums and maybe the occasional lovey-dovey attitude when their hormones permit?! hahha...I'm not saying this will be easy for a fella to read his woman, it just gives a hint on where to start,

" as you know, we guys are not always the sharpest tool in the shed. ;)"

Forgive me lads, that's just the way it is...always have been... always will be... maybe. Why do I say this... honestly it's the way I feel about myself, plus my buddies react the same way too.

Back to the issue at hand, what I'm trying to say is that 'she' is a woman who is open-minded, has experienced the world and lives very independently. What I can't seem to understand is, why does she choose not to show her emotions at all? Her thoughts are well guarded and her words properly chosen. She seems to show no sign of weakness, not that she is...but she is still human after all?! As for me, despite my tough exterior shell...I always seem dominant, quiet, calm...maybe a little suave, but underneath it all... I'm exactly the opposite, stab me and I will bleed. It's so hard for me to hide my emotions hence my tantrums. She knows of my weakness... she can sense it in my eyes... I dare not look at her anymore... it makes me weak and uneasy... I hate that. I know I'm easily intimidated by her... it's her advantage and she knows that. There seems to be no sign of her letting her guard down for me...she feels no pain, no regret, nor any pity for me... absolutely no point of entry for my feelings to reach her. Her silence is killing me...I feel hopeless... I feel incongrous... I feel used. Every day, I see the wall between us grows wider, thicker ... it's like a force-field which keeps all her feelings & emotions concealed. I'm not strong enough... I can't break through it... I've tried... but still no joy. Every time she avoids me... it feels like another victory for her, another stab to my heart, another inch to my wound...it still hurts me deeply. All this may sound pathetic... I know, but the truth always hurts.

" All of us may live in a world of comfortable lies, but the truth always reminds us of our imperfect reality...."

It's late now, I haven' t been able to get much sleep lately...so much stuff going on in my mind..so many tantrums I have to face... so many conflicts I have to overcome... so little comforts to hide my sorrow. Maybe I miss her too much... and yet I don't want to think of her anymore... but my mind won't let me. Note to self --->

It's not fair... It's not right... I have to move on... I want to move on... I need to let go... I hate myself...

Another day ....

I Surrender.....

"I give up on her... I can't take it anymore... enough already please... I want her outta my mind... outta my heart... outta my life... i'm going nuts... "

Smile....

Today was maybe one of my good days... although work was chaotic as usual. Even while driving to the office, I dreaded another day of her ignoring me. I usually retreat from these feelings by listening to the tunes on my ipod while giving 200% attention to the work at hand. This 'shut out the whole world' method works for me by the way.

Anyway, then she walked in...like every other morning before, I would get the same cold, cold stare, the still unemotional frown coupled with a fast and tight lipped "gud morning!!" To which my usual reply would just be a gentle nod or a faint smile.

" However, something looked different?! She looked different?! I felt different?! "

I couldn't help it, I couldn't take my eyes of her!!... Maybe it was how she was dressed... maybe?? Whatever it was... She was HOT!! and I think she felt that off me. Jaws dropped and eyes fixed... yes! she brought out the big guns!! I realised she had on, an exact outfit I described to her sometime, maybe awhile back... something that I thought she would look gorgeous in, but also thought that she would never consider wearing. My bad...

All these thoughts of regret came flowing back at me... It made me remember how much I miss her. A better part of me was holding me back, constantly saying " ignore her...ignore her... it's not worth the grief... ". The foolish part of me decided to send her an e-mail, complimenting her on how gorgeous she looked, together with some small talk to get the ball rolling between us again. I must have wrote something like...

" I think you know how I feel about what you're wearing... me likes.. You look absolutely gorgeous today!"

Usually, after a few minutes, I would be blessed with an eager reply from her, yes e-mail for me at the office is more of a chat program for me... an abuse of resources.. I know... but who cares anyway. Minutes passed, then hours... after lunch... no reply from her. I was kinda disappointed, thinking to myself of how much she must really hate me... I made a fool of myself again..let my guard down... I'm ashamed... Somebody shoot me please?!

At least all was not in vain. I noticed that after the e-mail, I could see some smiles on her, I could hear some laughter from her...I could feel she was happy, a few things that I missed about her too. I must have made her day with my remark and strangely It somehow made my day too... even if my e-mail was not replied.... but still, It did make my day... :)

I....

I've noticed that each time I step into the same room with her, her face goes all moody like... I sense so much hate in her eyes when she see's me. I shiver with every chilling glance by her. These must be the repocussions I had dreaded all this time.

" Things used to be fine between us, but never now..... "

I know my mistake in the past has led her to so much pain, distrust and hatred towards me. I know it's not easy to be me. For all the pain & anger she has suffered, I knew about it, I've regretted it. I didn't do anything about, I'm stubborn,foolish and stupid.

I know things will never be same between us again..never..ever... I miss our times together...cute gestures...the feelings.... the teasing....and most of all her smile each time she looks at me. Thats all gone now, just a memory waiting to be forgotten in time.

I wish I could turn back the hands of time, make right of what was wrong, change her frown to a smile... I wish I could, I wish I would.....

Say What...

Today is another humdrum of a Saturday... i didn't have anything planned really... usual,slept really late like 4am ish... wake up by noon.. chill out in front of the tube, that sorta thing. 9am my phone rings..Got a call from a buddy telling me one of our officemate's mum just passed away...(shocked!). I gathered myself, crawled to the shower...all these thoughts started pouring into my mind...I mean..losing someone is bad enough...but losing your own mum....utterly devastating! I have known for some time that my friends mum was diagnosed with cancer and that she was undergoing treatment locally & abroad. I suppose some things are not meant to be??!

Even on the way to his place for the funeral, I couldn't stop thinking about it...so much loss suffered by so many at a time.

I'm living away from my parents now and enjoying the single life, I've come to realise how much I miss them..especially my mom. She's my mother,my best friend and at times can also be my worst enemy. Sometimes due to my uber busy work schedule, I tend not to spend much time with them. From now on, I'll make time to spend with them, be it if only for a few minutes a day. Point is, our parents have worked so hard and sacrificed so much for us while we were growing up. They have raised us to their best intentions, sheltered us from all harm, fed us till obesity and of course fend to our ever increasing needs & wants, and I'm really, really, really, really grateful to them for that!! so sacrificing a fraction of our time is only but minimal gratitude we can repay or remember them with. So, if anyone is actually reading this, please don't take your parents for granted...they won't be around forever you now...

'' To my mummy, Thank you for everything... I love you forever..... ''

Today is the Day....

Today's the day I laughed & cried.... Today's the day I run & hide.....Today's the day i lived & died.....

I'm not sure what to think now, I finally faced truth in the eye and thought hard of giving up on this relationship. It's just not worth the amount of grief I have suffered all this time. Well like the saying goes " If you have to love somebody, love them deeply & passionately, when getting hurt by them only means that you have lived life completely...... apakaan??"

I have consistently reminded myself of the after-effects of this relationship, something I was very ignorant about...till recently....*sigh* anguish?? No matter, I've always been a survivor of disastrous relationships. Compared to my past...this is feels like a stroll in the park. I mean, I did catch my past love, sleeping with my best buddy on valentines day!? Yes, I always seem to be the other half who walks away with the wounds & scars, although in no way am I a coward. I'd rather just live to love another day...as they say...

All this time, I felt that I was loving myself because, lets face it.. ' How can You love a shadow?
I've been blind, I am the fool.... I regret...I hate.....I learned the hard way...again...unfortunately...

All my life...

Thinking back to my past, one can never be sure on how one's life can turn out... I mean during my younger days I used to tell myself..." yeah...someway...somehow, I'll make my first million when I'm 21....". Yes, an impossible goal, but at least I had a goal?!

That goal seemed dissolve when I passed age 22...oh well.... All i wanted now was to be successful in life, get hitched to my school sweetheart and travel the world... Again, another dissapointment for me.. *sigh* I was jobless, my sweetheart left me for my best buddy and yeah..jobless..no money no travels...

Aged 24 then, I promised myself that I'll do better.... i finally got a good job, met a nice girl and yeah..got some travelling done too. I was content, for now...but there was always room for more. More is always good , by my standards?! kiasu..i know...

Time fly's but cannot fade, the memories once made......I'm living my life by wire each day, I don't know what will happen to me tomorrow, but whatever it is i'll get through it...maybe?!

Why?

A mixture of thoughts & emotions consistently flow through my mind today...feeling really messed up about it. We haven't said a word to each other for a couple of days now.....far too long than usual and it's getting intensely awkward?! I guessed maybe we were too busy with our work schedules...maybe. So far it's been cold and empty stares exchanged chaotically.....hmm...does that sound right?

" I look at her..she looks at me...Whats going on? "
It's just a seemingly mindless routine I've been going through lately. It used to be so amusing, more uncanny though when two people are insync with one another while anticipating each others thoughts... but lately those feelings are non-existent.

These are my tantrums for today, yesterday and the days before....my thoughts have been messed up, mixed up...blended and served.....truly the question remains unanswered...why?

Lost Souls...

She was a nice girl,friendly,polite and often quiet around the office...maybe just your average 'girl next door' type of person. Unfortunately today was not such a good day for her....

I was about my morning ritual of unpacking stuff onto my desk, when suddenly I heard a violent scream...followed by some inconsistent table bangging...then ended with crying like no other...Yes, that nice girl I was talking about was err...'possesed' or how malays say it..'kerasukan' issit? Anyway, it was saddenning to see such a sight, and I felt so helpless, because yeah? apparently yours truly or anybody else is not well equipped to handle this sort of thing...you know? "Even heroes know when to be scared??!"

Fortunately, some quick thinking collegues sprang to action, read some verses from the quran to settle her down...it calmed her down, but not the soul within her.... After some time eventually, the lost soul inside decided it was enough 'fun' for today... by then someone had called her dad to come, he came to comfort her and bring her home to recover from the trauma....

It's sad to see this type of thing happening here in Brunei, but obviously this type of things can happen anywhere, right?! It just made me realise how vulnerable anyone is to this kinda weird situation...

Mentors, leaders...and trainers

The other day in the office...minding my own business, one of my subordinates came up to me and asked if i could help him handle a 'case' of his...since everyone was out to lunch, yours truly was only happy to obliged, yup...time to put those leadership skills in gear lah (i didn't know what i was getting myself into...had i've known...i would have turned road-runner*beep* *beep* and fled the scene....??!). Anyway...it was one of those situations that was to supposed to be "win-win"...not the case though....turned out to be ugly & depressing for both sides...

Its not easy to deal with unreasonable people whom with their uncanny 'wit' choose not to negotiate openly....they just seem to twist your words with every opportunity they get...like answer your questions with their own questions to which hve no answers??! Nasty isn't it.... well moving along, as a senior, I had to sacrifice my pride for a few minutes and not turn the negotiation into a boxing match. being 'humble' is the key word here...haha..yes, aren' we all?? ok..ok.. enough sidetracking...to show my young associate that i could keep my cool and be professional in such a heated situation...I became humble in the eyes of the fiend...hmmm...it worked?? The tiger is now a kitten...purr...purrr....? hahaha!! this kinda gained me bit of respect from the other newbies in the office, at the same time boosting my or so humble ego ;) . Brownie points anyone??

This just goes to show that we should lead our subordinates-new recruits-collegues etc...we should not actually influence them to be like us ( does this happen often in the B govt? I'm afraid so...) inturn we should actually groom them to become tomorrows leaders...bla...bla..bla...hey what if the person you helped train one day became the CEO of a multi-level corporation.... you could look back from your rocking chair and say...." yeah...he was one of mine.....I trained 'em..." *sigh*


my ramblings for today....mindboggling..aint it??!

Wet roads....

Gosh...it's really raining cats & dogs today! I work outside BSB and usually take the Muara-Tutong highway to work. On my return from Friday prayers the rain was so heavy...it was almost zero visibility all the way?!! Even driving home in the evening another unexpected heavy downpour happened!!

Well the weather is always beyond our control....but the road conditions are just plain dangerous!! I mean, all this issue of road safety, reckless driving etc....but has anyone stopped to think about the really bad state of our roads...especially our country's main highway that links it's 3 districts.... Bad road conditions are also a contributing factor to accidents....When it rains heavily no matter how much you slow down your speed ( I drove at about 4o km/h...still felt dodgy in the heavy rain!), with the all the massive puddles on the road/highway...one cannot help of being terrified by the thought of their car suddenly spinning out of control,ramming a barrier after hitting a big & deep wet patch. There have been numerous accidents on our roads due to poor weather conditions which is also coupled with driver error...but come'on, not everyone is well equipped with the knowledge of evasive driving??! Most of these accidents were contributed to poor road quality i.e. '' air bertakong'' . I suppose the relevant authorities should look into enforcing weight control on the heavy vehicles commuting on Brunei roads. Their monstrous weight + full cargoes wear out the tarmac gradually over time...sinking a few inches each year. I've seen some really heavily laden trucks on my daily commute (maybe they just want to cut transports costs..so stuff everything in 1 trip.... why so kiasu leh?!) Another alternative would increase the tax on these heavy transports... so the money can be used to better maintain our highways & roads. Those are just some open suggestions... still is up to the authorities.

A lot of factors contributing to accidents have popped up in my mind lately following the present road safety campaign (Also I was driving dead slow in the rain...was keeping myself amused at the same time - self argument?! hahah!) . The public should also be advised on proper car maintenance like 'not to drive with balding tyres & faulty brakes'! But then, most of us can be ignorant at times ( we're only human and purposely choose not to wear our seatbelts...eventually we suffer by paying a high price for it with our lives!!), so that again is another obstacle the authorities should consider (changing peoples mindset...goodluck with that yeah?!) Heavier priced compounds (saman) has not dettered anyone from repenting their misdemenours either....

Anyway...these are my ramblings for today...it's been a long day at work & I'm looking forward to a peaceful weekend of deep thought (sleeping....hahah). To all the daily commuters driving on the Muara-Tutong-KB highway...buckle up please, drive safe & drive smart ... a life is just to much to lose in a meaningless accident... so don't let yourself be another statistic.